- Zack Stone: Mr. Gaunt, how do you advise someone when he has to make a difficult decision? They have two choices and they don't like either of them.
- Gaunt, the undertaker: I tell them a third choice is always possible.
- Zack Stone: Really!
- Gaunt, the undertaker: Yes, and that's when I bring out the mahogany casket. It's pricier than a pine or a walnut, but it's worth it.
- Sweeney: You're straight-forward, Marshal. I like a man after my own heart. Well, actually, not always. Once there was a man after my own heart, and I had to strangle him with his own intestines.
- Zack Stone: Now don't get me wrong. I have great respect for women like you and Miss Kitty who manage to maintain their dignity and their loneliness in a hellhole like Oblivion. I want you to know that I am here for you... as your Marshal, as your friend, or anything else you damn well need me to be.
- Mattie Chase: Zack, I haven't had sex in three years.
- Crowley: What's the night worth to you anyway, Lash, huh? You and me naked, horizontal and sweaty, huh?
- [slurps]