Bordello of Blood (1996)

Dennis Miller: Rafe Guttman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rafe Guttman : You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality.

• [talking to a she-vampire] 

  Rafe Guttman : I'd rather Crazy Glue my dick to the bullet train than fuck you.

• Rafe Guttman : I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Tales From The Crypt!

• Zeke : Step outside!

  Rafe Guttman : Sorry, Zeke - I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob.

• [On the phone with his ex-wife] 

  Rafe Guttman : I gotta go. Fuck you.

  [hangs up] 

• Katherine : A whorehouse?

  Rafe : A house inhabited by whores.

• [Rafe is trying to gain access to the whorehouse, which is disguised as a funeral home] 

  Rafe Guttman : I'm here for the, um, Cunningham wake.

  McCutheon : I'm afraid the wake is closed tonight. Come back tomorrow.

  Rafe Guttman : I, uh, really must pay my respects right now.

  McCutheon : Then I suggest you come back TOMORROW.

  Rafe Guttman : Maybe you don't understand me. I'm feeling excruciatingly SAD.

  McCutheon : I'm so sorry.

  Rafe Guttman : And if I don't grieve right now - maybe even grieve two or three times - I'm going to go out of my mind, okay?

  McCutheon : Then I suggest you go mourn somewhere in private - with a box of tissues!

• Rafe Guttman : I'm not going to tell you those aren't the Breasts of the Century, but I'm just not digging the owner, so why don't you put those away; you're just not my type.

• [seeing a televangelist's glitzy chapel] 

  Rafe Guttman : Nice place, Katherine. Kind of like Superman's dad's place on Krypton.

• [Katherine attempts to swing on a chain from one platform to another] 

  Rafe : That is the craziest fuckin' thing I've...

  [Rafe attempts to leave, but sees the Vampire Caleb following close, and returns to Katherine] 

  Rafe : That is the second craziest fuckin' thing I've...

• Rafe : [after Tamara stands in front of window letting in sunlight]  Tammy! Tell me again why vampires hate sunlight?

• Rafe Guttman : Ah, the girls! Let them eat a guy named "Cake."

• Tamara : Guess where you just landed, lover?

  Rafe Guttman : Larry Flynt's id?

• Rafe Guttman : Sorry Katherine, but that wasn't your brother anymore.

  Caleb : Wrong! I'll always be your brother, sis.

  Rafe Guttman : Katherine, run from your brother.

• Rafe : [after finding and confronting Rev. Current in the bordello]  Come on, Rev, I'm feeling a little jumpy - friend or foe?

• Rafe : [to Police Deputy Noonan]  You know, Noonan, you don't wear irony too well. Why don't you leave that to the big boys, okay?

• [Zeke's shot knocks a beer onto a girl] 

  Rafe Guttman : Six pack in the side cleavage!

• Noonan : [after Rafe wakes up in the hospital]  It's about fucking time!

  Rafe : I've gone to hell and it's worse than I thought? Noonan, where am I?

• [a vampire bursts into flames after being squirted with Holy water] 

  Rafe Guttman : Cha-Ching!