Almost Heroes (1998)

Matthew Perry: Leslie Edwards

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jackson : Sir, Higgins has a story.

  Edwards : Well, Higgins the floor is yours.

  Higgins : This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!

  Edwards : You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.

  Hunt : Tell him the ending, that's the best part.

  Higgins : Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.

  Edwards : Clever twist there on the ending.

• Pratt : Permission to check on the condition of my woman, sir? I wanna check on her bandages and see if she can keep some food down.

  Edwards : You are aware, of course, that this woman of yours is... made of... straw?

  Pratt : Oh, yes, sir. Figure that's why she burned so easy.

• Bidwell : [returns to camp after a bear has bit off his leg]  Sir, I've been to hell and back.

  Edwards : Yes, I can see that...

  Bidwell : I suspect that you'll want to lead a hunting party to slay that terrible beast.

  Edwards : Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind briefly. But now I have a better idea.

  Bidwell : Yes, sir?

  Edwards : I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.

  Bidwell : But what about the bear?

  Edwards : Rest assured, Bidwell, in 20 years or so, the ravages of old age will deal with the bear far more cruelly than we ever could have.

  Bidwell : Revenge is sweet, sir.

• Edwards : Mr. President, we have to give bears the right to vote... or bears will rise up and then BEARS will be in congress and we will be the ones performing in the circus, wearing little hats.

• Hunt : What I remembered the most were the animals.

  Edwards : [smiles]  Ah, the animals...

  Hunt : Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...

  Higgins : [Horrified]  THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!

  [everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal] 

  Higgins : We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!

  Hunt : Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

  [everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn] 

  Hunt : It's only a squirrel.

  Pratt : He's got something in his hand!

  Guy Fontenot : Something in his hand!

  [they continue firing at the squirrel] 

• Pratt : Sir, there's an old sayin'. "White water in the morning."

  Edwards : Yes?

  Pratt : That's it.

• Edwards : My hands will grow rough; my teeth may yellow. I might even experience a general soreness in the joints. Yes, this mission will be a treacherous one, make no mistake. We will face danger from savages and from bears. These bears are wild, mind you. Not trained carnival bears... with...

  [falters] 

  Edwards : ... little hats.

  Nicholas Burr : Sounds exhilarating, sir. Few men would have the courage for such an endeavor.

  Edwards : I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr.

  [points to his temple] 

  Edwards : My mind will protect me. I'm a man of science, a man of learning; a man who knows how to buy the finest books. Fear will be our breakfast, and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon. Eh, Mr. Hunt?

  [Hunt is seen eating and drinking messily, then looks towards Edwards obtusely. Edwards is annoyed and embarrassed] 

  Edwards : ... Mr. Hunt?

  Hunt : [with a mouth chock-full of food]  I'd be more worried about the Indians than the bears.

  [still chewing] 

  Hunt : It's common knowledge that...

  [swallows] 

  Hunt : that when the savages capture a white man, they will split open his head, pick out his brains, and eat them with a crudely fashioned fork.

  [shrugs as Burr and Edwards react in shock] 

  Hunt : So...

  Edwards : [appalled]  Have you witnessed such atrocities, Mr. Hunt?

  Hunt : [avoiding eye contact]  I've... uh... I've s-seen the forks...

• Guy Fontenot : He look in our tent! He look at my woman! He saw 'er breast.

  Edwards : Her breast? You saw her breast?

• Pratt : [Picks up Bidwell's ear from the dirt]  Look at me. I'm going to make an experiment.

  [Starts talking into the ear] 

  Pratt : Hello, Bidwell? Can you hear me?

  Bidwell : I can hear you, Pratt.

  Pratt : It works.

  Edwards : Well, of course, it works. He's standing right... Let's get some sleep.

• Bidwell : Sir, sir. I've been to hell and back!

  Edwards : Yes, I can see that!

  Bidwell : I suspect that now you'll want to lead a hunting party, to slay that terrible beast!

  Edwards : Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind. Briefly. But now I have a better idea.

  Bidwell : Yes sir?

  Edwards : I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you have ever seen!

  Bidwell : Oh, but what about the bear?

  Edwards : Rest assured, Bigwell, in twenty years or so, the ravishes of old age will deal with the bear, far more cruelly than we ever could have.

  Bidwell : Revenge is sweet sir!

• Pratt : [Talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand]  Bidwell? Bidwell! I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell sir! He's failed to communicate with the me, by way of his ear...

  Edwards : It doesn't work that way, it doesn't work anyway! But even if it did, he couldn't talk through it!

  Pratt : [Again, talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand]  Sh... Bidwell?