As Good as It Gets (1997)

Greg Kinnear: Simon Bishop

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Quotes 

• Melvin Udall : Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

  Simon Bishop : [clears his throat]  Uhm, yes. It's not a... subtle point that you're making.

  Melvin Udall : Okay then.

  [Shuts door in Simon's face] 

• Simon Bishop : Thank you, Melvin. You... overwhelm me.

  [pauses] 

  Simon Bishop : I love you.

  Melvin Udall : I tell you, buddy... I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.

• Carol Connelly : We all have these terrible stories to get over, and you...

  Melvin Udall : It's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

  [pause] 

  Carol Connelly : No. I don't think so.

  Simon Bishop : Not it at all, really.

• Melvin Udall : Can I ask you a personal question?

  Simon Bishop : Sure.

  Melvin Udall : You ever get an erection over a woman?

  Simon Bishop : Melvin...

  Melvin Udall : I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't...

  Simon Bishop : You consider your life easy?

  Melvin Udall : [pause]  All right, I give you that one.

• Simon Bishop : The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.

• Melvin Udall : I can't get back to my old life. She's evicted me from my life!

  Simon Bishop : Did you really like it all that much?

• Simon Bishop : Melvin, do you know where you're lucky? You know who you want.

• Simon Bishop : Rot in hell, Melvin!

  Melvin Udall : No need to stop being a lady. Quit worryin! You'll be back on your knees in no time!

• Carol Connelly : How are you?

  Simon Bishop : Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts.

  Carol Connelly : Why? What are you thinking about now?

  Simon Bishop : How to die, mostly.

  Carol Connelly : To think that in our little mix you're the good roommate.

• Melvin Udall : Oh, you were talking about your dog. I thought you were referring to that colored man inside your apartment.

  Simon Bishop : Uh, what color would that be?

  Melvin Udall : Like uh, like thick MO-lasses.

• Simon Bishop : [Seeing Carol undressed, in only a towel, on the edge of the bathtub]  Hold it.

  [Turns on light, startling Carol] 

  Simon Bishop : I have to draw you.

  Carol Connelly : Huh?

  Simon Bishop : I have to draw you.

  Carol Connelly : No, no no, absolutely not. I'm a lot more shy than people think. I give off the wrong impression.

  Simon Bishop : I have to. I haven't sketched anything in weeks.

  Carol Connelly : Stop staring. Do a vase.

  Simon Bishop : But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck, the back, the line of you. You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.

  Carol Connelly : [Smiles, and laughs slightly]  All right, cut me a break.

  [as Simon draws, she smiles, and lowers her towel, giving him a better view] 

  Carol Connelly : [after a brief cutaway to a different scene, returning to this one; now Carol is laying on a couch, nude, laughing, as Simon draws]  I'm sorry, I don't care how you put this, we're being naughty here, pal.

  Simon Bishop : No, no, this is, this is great.This is so great. I swear to God, my hand won't even keep up. Hold it. Hold it.

  Carol Connelly : But I was just turning.

  Simon Bishop : But then hold that. Hold any of them.

  [the camera shows a pile of sketches that Simon has made of Carol] 

  Carol Connelly : OK, this?

  Simon Bishop : It doesn't matter. My hand's not even bothering me. I can't - I just can't get the angle with this cast.

  [Starts breaking the plaster cast off of his hand/wrist] 

  Carol Connelly : Oh, careful.

  Simon Bishop : [Finished breaking cast off of his hand, and lets out a mock yell of pain, then both he and Carol start laughing] 

• Carol Connelly : [driving to Baltimore]  I'm sure, Simon, they did something really "off" in order for you to feel this way. But when it comes to your parents or your kids, something will always be "off" unless you set it straight. And maybe this thing happened to you so you have a chance to do that.

  Melvin Udall : [from the backseat]  Nonsense! And you want to know why?

  Carol Connelly : Anybody here who's interested in what Melvin has to say, raise their hands.

  [Simon puts his hands into his lap, decisively. To their shared surprise, Melvin sits back and does not speak again] 

  Simon Bishop : Do you want to know what happened with my parents?

  Carol Connelly : Yes... no, wait. I'm gonna pull over and give you my full attention.

  [she does so] 

  Carol Connelly : Now go ahead.

  Simon Bishop : When I was a kid, I always painted, and my mother always encouraged it. She was sort of fabulous about it, actually. And she used to... I was too young to think that there was anything wrong with it, and she was very natural, so she used to... pose nude for me. I always thought - or I assumed - my father knew about it. One day he found us and started screaming. I was trying to defend my mother and make peace in the lamest way. I said "she's not naked, it's art."

  [Carol laughs softly] 

  Simon Bishop : And he started hitting me and... he beat me unconscious. He taught me a lesson he thought I'd never forget. I mean, he knew what I was even before I did. And the morning I left for college, he walked into my room and held out his hand, and it was filled with money. A big, sweaty wad of money. And he said, "I don't want you to ever come back." I grabbed him and hugged him... and he turned around and walked out. I haven't seen him or talked to him since.

  [Carol kisses him on the cheek] 

• Simon Bishop : Verdell. What's wrong? You miss the tough guy?

  [imitating Melvin] 

  Simon Bishop : Well, here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, you little pissant mop? How 'bout another ride down the chute?

• Simon Bishop : Okay... What I do is, I watch. Ever watch somebody who doesn't know you're watching them? An old woman sitting on a bus? Or kids going to school? Somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them. And you know immediately that has nothing to do with anything external because that hasn't changed. They're just sort of realer and more alive. You look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.

• Simon Bishop : What are those cards?

  Jackie : Frank's idea. He thought I should have notes so I did this right: maintained focus, didn't get emotional, and tried not to terrify you.

  [Simon's eyes widen] 

  Jackie : See, he's right. I need the cards.

  [takes a card] 

  Jackie : [reading]  Simon, you're broke.

  [takes another card] 

  Jackie : [reading]  The medical bills are 61 thousand now. And the show didn't go well.

  [takes a third card, which reads "CONVINCE HIM TO ASK HIS PARENTS FOR HELP"] 

  Jackie : I've spoken to your parents. They didn't hang up or anything. But they said they would feel strange calling you.

  Simon Bishop : I can't call them.

  [notices Verdell on the terrace, staring into space] 

  Simon Bishop : Come here, baby. Come here, baby. Verdell? What's wrong? You miss the tough guy?

  [imitating Melvin] 

  Simon Bishop : Well, here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, you little piss-ant mop? How about another ride down the chute?

  [as himself] 

  Simon Bishop : God, I'm sorry, I did not mean that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

  Jackie : Simon...

  Simon Bishop : I didn't mean that, sweetheart. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

  [to Jackie] 

  Simon Bishop : I'll be able to keep my apartment and the studio, won't I?

  [Jackie looks at Simon, then reaches for another card] 

  Simon Bishop : Oh my God...

• Carol Connelly : My God, what happened to you?

  Simon Bishop : I was attacked. I nearly died!

  Melvin Udall : Let's save the small talk for the car.

• Simon Bishop : Lucky for you... you're here for rock-bottom. You absolute horror of a human being.

• Simon Bishop : Is this fun for you? You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help. And I won't. And... I... I don't want to paint any more. So the life that I was trying for, is over. the life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.

• Melvin Udall : I'm dying here.

  Simon Bishop : Because you love her.

  Melvin Udall : No! And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp?

• Simon Bishop : [Simon and Melvin return to Melvin's apartment after their trip to greet Verdell]  Mommy and Daddy are home!

  Simon Bishop : [to Melvin]  Sorry. You're just fun to mess with.

• Simon Bishop : The life I was trying for is gone, but it's high times for you, isn't it Mr Udall? The gay neighbour's terrified. Terrified!

• Simon Bishop : Waiting gives the devil time.

• Melvin Udall : Love that dog.

  Simon Bishop : You don't love anything, Mr Udall.

• Simon Bishop : Why are you doing this to me?

• Melvin Udall : I work at home, do you realise that?

  Simon Bishop : No, I did not know that.

  Melvin Udall : Do you like being interrupted when you're nancying around in your little garden?

  Simon Bishop : No. Actually sometimes I put the stereo on and...

  [face falls] 

• [Simon is hospitalized and is given a hand mirror to see his horribly beaten up face] 

  Simon Bishop : [shocked, almost in tears]  Oh my god! Where did I go?

• Melvin Udall : That's some face they left on ya!

  Simon Bishop : Could you just take it a little easy, Mr Udall?

• Simon Bishop : What's wrong?

  Melvin Udall : I forgot to lock the door.