Dogma (1999)

Jason Mewes: Jay

Photos 

7 more photos

Quotes 

• Jay : Yo man, tell me something about me.

  Rufus : You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

  Jay : Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

  Rufus : When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

  [a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay] 

  Jay : Dude, not all the time.

• Jay : You're breaking up with us? Who do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breaking guys hearts like us. I fell in love with you!

  [Silent Bob pokes his arm] 

  Jay : I mean we fell in love with you! Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know!

  [Rufus falls out of the sky] 

  Jay : [shouting skyward]  Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know!

  [nothing happens] 

  Jay : Oh, well. It was worth a try.

• Bethany : I don't mean to sound ungrateful... but what are you doing hanging around?

  Jay : We're here to pick up chicks.

  Bethany : Excuse me?

  Jay : We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

• Jay : I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

• [about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict] 

  Jay : What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?

  Azrael : No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!

  Serendipity : So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons.

  [mockingly] 

  Serendipity : Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!

  Azrael : Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.

  Serendipity : No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.

• [the Stygian Triplets close in on Bethany] 

  Jay : Snootch to the motherfuckin' nootch!

  [Jay and Silent Bob kick the Triplets' asses] 

• Bethany : You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?

  Jay : You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own fucking business.

• Rufus : You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.

  Jay : I can't wait to die.

• Jay : The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God.

• Jay : [Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob are sitting in a diner; the guys are staring at Bethany expectantly]  So what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.

  Bethany : You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry, may I ask what brought you here?

  Jay : Some fuck named John Hughes.

  Bethany : "16 Candles" John Hughes?

  Jay : You know that guy too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick, "16 Candles". Not bad, there's tits in it but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing, 'cause he's like, all in love with this John Hughes guy.

  [Silent Bob shakes his head with a "whatever" look on his face] 

  Jay : He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't, 'cause it's a PG movie. And then "Pretty in Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore 'cause every time he gets to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep.

  [Silent Bob blows out his cigarette smoke angrily] 

  Bethany : What exactly brought you to Illinois?

  Jay : See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer in Illinois, where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh.

  [he and Silent Bob bump fists] 

  Jay : But best of all, there was no one dealin', man. And then it hits me: we could live like FAT rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There IS no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.

• Rufus : You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

  Jay : So that would make Bethany... part black?

• Serendipity : Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can see, I lack definition.

  Jay : [off the screen]  Hey! They're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!

• Jay : [to the Stygian triplets]  Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks.

• Jay : Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?

  Metatron : Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

  Jay : What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?

  Metatron : I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.

  Jay : What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...

  [God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints] 

• [Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey] 

  Bethany : I want to go with you.

  Jay : What, steady? You want to be my girlfriend OK, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.

• Jay : [waking from a dream]  I didn't cum on you, Pete, I swear.

• Jay : I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucken pube-less asses!

• Jay : Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.

• Jay : Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak! Let's go, Silent Bob.

  Bethany : No. Wait...

  Jay : I'll scream rape.

• [Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks] 

  Bethany : What gear are you in?

  Jay : "Gear"?

• [Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club] 

  Bethany : What are you doing?

  Jay : Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.

  Bethany : What?

  Rufus : Long story, forget it.

• Jay : All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?

  Bethany : In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.

  Jay : She's a slut. Bunnnng.

• Jay : She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.

  Bethany Sloane : NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT!

• Azrael : Get me a... Holy Bartender.

  Bartender : Never heard of it.

  Azrael : Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

  Serendipity : Don't...

  Azrael : Ahh, anybody? No?

  [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] 

  Azrael : Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...

  [Azrael pulls out an MAC-11, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] 

  Azrael : Get it?

  Serendipity : [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared]  Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?

  Rufus : Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

  Azrael : Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.

  [referring to Bethany] 

  Jay : [face lights up]  Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!

• Jay : Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!

• Rufus : Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.

  Bethany : Well then why did he get written about and you didn't?

  Rufus : Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from.

  Jay : Are you buying any of this shit?

• Jay : So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?

• Jay : I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit chew.

• Jay : I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a great one!

• Jay : You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? You ever see that flick?

  Rufus : Aww man! That sucked!

  Jay : [hiding behind silent Bob]  It's the living dead! Kill it! Kill it!

  Rufus : Con Air? Con Shit!

• Jay : What about sex?

  Bethany : No sex.

• [repeated line] 

  Jay : What the shit is that?

• [Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out] 

  Jay : Like I ever drove before...

• Jay : [after he and Silent Bob join a gang and the Golgothan poop monster is heading towards them]  Smoke that motherfucker like it aint no thang!

• Bethany : I don't know what to say... or think... except...

  Jay : That you offer us sex as a reward.

• Bethany : Stall Bartleby from going into that church.

  Jay : How the hell am I supposed to do that?

  Bethany : Think of something.

  Jay : I already did, but it takes two of us.

• [after meeting God] 

  Jay : You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.

• [last lines] 

  Jay : [after the cast and crew credits]  So... does that mean Bethany's... part black?

• Jay : Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thang.

• Jay : You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.

  Bethany : I'll keep that in mind.

• Jay : No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the ganj.

• Jay : Hey Big Bird? Wanna play the Counting Game? Count the shells Sucker Duck!

  [proceeds to shoot off Bartelby's wings with an MAC-11] 

• Jay : Snoogans.

• Bethany : I didn't ask you out for sex.

  Jay : Well, I'll take head.

• Jay : [to Bethany]  If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?

• Jay : [smoking a joint]  Fuck, man, I think this shit just kicked in.

• Jay : That's what you get, Mother fucker!

• Jay : His piece will be rubbing inside of your armor!

• Jay : Sonny, let me make a deal wit ya.

• Jay : [after some time]  Hahaha, Holy Bartender! I get it! That's a great one.

• Jay : We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.

  Bethany : What did you say?

  Jay : 'Makin' with the love.' It's a nice way of saying boning.