- James Krippendorf: [to his teenage daughter] Excuse me! Who is the adult in this room?... Don't answer that! I am the adult in this room.
- Veronica Micelli: [storming out of the house] You can kiss my Neolithic butt!
- James Krippendorf: [to his father-in-law] Proud woman. I try to respect her feelings.
- [goat in the hall bleats]
- James Krippendorf: Oh, Miss Micelli, you forgot your goat!
- Shelly Krippendorf: You are pathetic.
- James Krippendorf: What?
- Shelly Krippendorf: You said we weren't doing any more of these.
- James Krippendorf: Oh, give me a break, I'm dying with dignity out here.
- Shelly Krippendorf: Why don't you try living with some?
- Shelly Krippendorf: Let's see... we've had the backyard circumcision, we've danced with the pigs to assure my fertility - that one really changed my life. What's the next step? Cannibalism? Hey, Mrs. O'Brien, you doing anything tonight? We're having a barbecue, wear some hot sauce!
- Shelly Krippendorf: I just chased poultry through my backyard, looking like Tammy Faye Bakker. You owe me!
- Veronica Micelli: [drunk] How do I stack up?
- James Krippendorf: Well, as the Shelmickedmu would say, "Jagga banga!" which roughly translates as, "More pigs than you can imagine."
- [all of the TV store sets are tuned to the "Shelmickedmu" sex video]
- TV Store Customer #1: Wild jungle woman! That's what I like...
- TV Store Customer #2: [laughing] I'd do her.
- [Veronica slaps his face]
- TV Store Customer #2: What'd you do that for? I wasn't talking about you.
- James Krippendorf: Excuse me, ah, what exactly is the older brother doing?
- Mickey Krippendorf: He is completing the ritual dance in which he asks the gods to protect the young boy from the many brides who will want him and his pig wealth.
- Veronica Micelli: Down-da-hatcha! Eat-ah-puke-ah!
- [holds out a large bug for James Krippendorf, dressed as the Shelmikedmu Chief, to swallow]
- Veronica Micelli: [he chews on the bug, grimaces and swallows]
- Simon Alonso: What are they called?
- James Krippendorf: Huh?
- President Porter: Do they have a name, Professor Krippendorf?
- James Krippendorf: Of course they have a name. Uh, uh - The, uh, the "Shelmikedmu."-The Shel - Shelmikedmu.
- Lori: What?
- James Krippendorf: [Clears Throat] The Shelmikedmu.
- [Edmund opens the door to find Professor Micelli and a strange man]
- Veronica Micelli: Oh, Pumpkin, do you remember me from yesterday? I'm Veronica Micelli and I've brought this nice reporter.
- [Edmund slams the door in their faces]
- [Professor Krippendorff, with a movie camera, walks in on Mickey and Edmund, who are shirtless and painting their bodies]
- Mickey Krippendorf: Hey! The Shelmickedmu do not allow their pictures taken without the ritual paint.
- James Krippendorf: Nicely put.
- Mickey Krippendorf: It is our way.
- James Krippendorf: Yo!
- James Krippendorf: [filming the phoney "circumcision"] Edmund, you're looking up to the gods with trepidation... "Trepidation."... "Trepidation."... You're afraid you're brother is actually going to cut your wee-wee off.
- [Edmund gasps]
- Veronica Micelli: The Shelmickedmu deal with the same problems we deal with every day: loneliness... despair... extreme sexual tension!
- Ruth Allen: [to her pet monkey] I'd forgotten... the stench... the chaos... the decay... oh, Po-po, we're home!
- James Krippendorf: Another brandy, Professor Micelli?
- Veronica Micelli: [drunk] I'd don't think I should.
- [She tilts the bottle to fill her glass]
- Veronica Micelli: No, just a little bit more.
- James Krippendorf: [as the Utabaji] You-ah bitch.
- Veronica Micelli: He says it's a very large and frightening country, filled with many things he thought existed only in myth.
- Larry Swift: And he said all of that in three syllables?
- Veronica Micelli: It's a very concise language, Larry.
- [Mickey chases his hamster with a rake]
- James Krippendorf: Mickey, put the rake down and get on the bus! You can finish killing your pet when you get home!
- James Krippendorf: [in costume] The Shelmikedmu utabaji embraces his death with courage and dignity.
- [belches]