Nick Moran: Eddy
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Quotes
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[first lines]
Bacon : Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie : Did you say ten pound?
Bacon : Are you deaf?
Eddie : That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Bacon : Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie : Bacon, cozzers!
Bacon : Shit.
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"Hatchet" Harry : You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
Eddie : Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
"Hatchet" Harry : Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
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Eddie : Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Soap : Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Tom : Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon : I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
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Nick the Greek : Dunno Tom. Seems expensive.
Tom : Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about 200? What school of finance did you study? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the fucking century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Nick the Greek : All right all right, keep your Alans on!
[Peels off notes from his wad]
Nick the Greek : Here's a ton.
Eddie : You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What d'you do when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
Nick the Greek : 100 pounds is still 100 pounds.
Tom : Not when the price is 200 pounds it's not! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, c'mon. Lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.
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Tom : Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse.
Soap : I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
Tom : You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
Soap : Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Eddie : Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
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Eddie : I don't know. What I do know is there's no more Harry. Which means there's no more debt. And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem. And there's no problem with the neighbors... because they're all dead. And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong... we're in the clear.
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Eddie : Twenty grand, open.
"Hatchet" Harry : Thirty thousand. Back to you, already-Eddie.
Eddie : Fifty grand.
"Hatchet" Harry : Eighty grand.
Eddie : One hundred grand.
Player : Whoa, whoa, whoa, look fellas, I know...
"Hatchet" Harry : I know you're not in. Which means, no-one cares what you know.
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Eddie : Soap, don't be such a mincer.
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Eddie : [Entering Harry's office with corpses lying around] Oh no. Not again.
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Tom : [after having just robbed Dog and his crew] Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?
Soap : When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Eddie : Bacon, see what we've got.
Bacon : Let's have a butcher's, eh?
[as he inspects their loot]
Bacon : We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
Tom : What?
[Bacon holds up an unconscious man]
Tom : Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!
Bacon : I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
Eddie : I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Bacon : Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
Eddie : I don't know! Use your imagination!
[Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain]
Tom : Don't touch him up! Knock him out!
Bacon : I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out.
Eddie : I fucking hate traffic wardens.
[after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless]
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Eddie : As you know this puts us in an awkward position... I don't have enough to continue.
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Eddie : Can we lock up and get drunk now?
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Eddie : The Traffic Warden identified the neighbours' bodies. Which sort of puts us in the clear. The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.
Bacon : And Tom took care of them.
Soap : You did take care of the shotguns?
Tom : I wanted to talk to you about that?
Bacon : Well, talk.
Tom : Well, actually no. I've got them sitting in the car. I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek, but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him.
Bacon : You dippy bastard.
Eddie : So... the only thing connecting us with the case, is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
Tom : They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away. And they're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, are they?
Soap : Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for £700?
Eddie : Tom, you're a dick. Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.
Bacon : And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Soap : Now.
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Eddie : That's quite a raise. That's 150 on my 100.
"Hatchet" Harry : Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say?
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"Hatchet" Harry : Yeah? That you, boy?
Eddie : It's Ed, if that's you mean.
"Hatchet" Harry : Pay day, ain't it?
Eddie : Yeah... I wanted to talk to you about that.
"Hatchet" Harry : I'll bet you do. I got half a million nicker sitting here, which means some poor sod doesn't. You've upset a few people, boy. But that really isn't my concern, is it? What does concern me, is the guns you had. I want to talk to you about that. So get your arse over here now. And I do mean now.
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Eddie : Ladies, back to more important issues if you don't mind. We have only got two real guns. Apparently that's what they are. So we find a good place to hide next door, we wait till it sounds like the right time, then we jack-in-the-box, look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape, nick their van, swap the gear into the new van and bring it all back here. As long as we're all out of our hiding places quickly, it's the last thing they're gonna expect. Oh and if Tom of anyone else for that matter feels like giving them a bit of a kicking, I'm sure it won't do any harm.
