The Opposite of Sex (1998)
Lisa Kudrow: Lucia DeLury
Photos
Quotes
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Lucia : I don't know. I just don't - I don't get sex.
Bill Truitt : You should get out more.
Lucia : I mean, "I don't understand sex." I don't get it. Get it? It seems like a lot of trouble for not much. Am I the only one that thinks this?
Bill Truitt : I don't think you're the tip of an iceberg, frankly.
Lucia : I would rather have a backrub, you know. It lasts longer and there's no fluids. You know, what's so great about that? It's like, "Hi! I'd like to blow my nose on your face." I mean, you wouldn't like that, would you?
Bill Truitt : And after they do it, they never phone you.
Lucia : Yeah, or a shampoo. You know, just a really great shampoo. That would make sense. If you were chasing this asshole all around the country because he gave really great shampoos...
Bill Truitt : It's not just sex, Lucia. I CARE for Matt, alright?
Lucia : It IS sex, Bill. You just won't admit it. Cuz you wanna be above that. You wanna think that nothing that happened happened because you like sex.
Bill Truitt : I'm really beat.
Lucia : You know, sex kills, Bill. You just - you won't accept that. But why do you think there's no more real Hawaiians, huh? And why would they bother coming up with the phrase "died in childbirth" if it only happened one time? It's fucking dangerous, sex!
Bill Truitt : Tom didn't die because of sex.
Lucia : Didn't he? I mean, PC crap aside, didn't sex kill Tom? Huh? I mean, if he just couldn't get enough shampoos or backrubs, wouldn't he still be here today?
Bill Truitt : You might as well say I killed him.
Lucia : You didn't give it to him.
Bill Truitt : No, but some OTHER faggot did! Isn't that what you think?
Lucia : No. What I think is: Fine. Chase this bimbo from Indiana to Chippewa Falls, for all I care. Go ahead. Throw away your reputation, your job, and your students, and whatever because you want Matt. That's - it your RIGHT! Just don't say that it's about love, okay? You're an English teacher. Call things by their right name.
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Lucia : You're probably a blessing in disguise. Fucking good disguise.
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Sheriff Carl Tippett : What's the point of sleeping with you if it doesn't get your attention? If I always come second to Bill?
Lucia : Excuse me?
Sheriff Carl Tippett : Say the point of sex isn't recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it's concentration. Say it's supposed to focus your attention on the person you're sleeping with, like biological highlighter.
[significant pause]
Sheriff Carl Tippett : Otherwise, there's just too many people in the world.
Lucia : So while I'm sleeping with you, I'm not supposed to care about anybody else?
Sheriff Carl Tippett : Look for me first in any crowded room. And I'll do likewise.
[poignant pause]
Sheriff Carl Tippett : Otherwise, a person ends up sleeping with somebody else.
[Looks at her intensely and then sits back and waits]
Lucia : It's just a habit, thinking about Bill. Because of Tom.
Sheriff Carl Tippett : I know.
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Lucia : I don't know how you do it. You're always so nice and so calm. Tom was like that too. It's depressing.
Bill Truitt : You're nice.
Lucia : That's how I always felt around you too, like the Baroness in The Sound of Music. While everybody's just singing and climbing an Alp. And I just wanna STUFF THAT GUITAR UP THAT NUN'S ASS! And... ugh!
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Lucia : Oh, good, it's my delivery from 1-800-PITY.
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Lucia : This is how we do things on the Planet Maturia. We have much to teach you.
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Dedee Truitt : Bill's kind of cute. I mean, even though he's old.
Lucia : He's 35!
Dedee Truitt : Yeah but he's still kind of cute. Too bad he's a fairy, right?
Lucia : [huffily] That is not how I would put it.
Dedee Truitt : Well, then too bad he's however *you'd* put it.
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Matt Mateo : I'm bisexual.
Lucia : Puh-lease! I went to a bar mitzvah once. That doesn't make me Jewish.
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Bill Truitt : He made his bed, he can lie in it.
Lucia : If there's room.
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Lucia : Why did he grow that beard? And his posture! He looks like Early Man.
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Lucia : Matt, this is not your baby, OK? It's some other idiot's baby, probably with an eighth grade education and a trunk full of Waco pamphlets.
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Lucia : Vagina, vagina, vagina. Does that word do anything for you?
Bill Truitt : I don't think it does much for anyone, gay or straight.
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Lucia : Bill, I don't think he's as stupid we think.
Bill Truitt : As you think, Lucia.
[She gets mad and walks to the door]
Lucia : Fine! Goddammit! God... Fuck! Shit! I hope Tom Cruise is as straight as they come... I never thought he wasn't!
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Lucia : See, you think you're being nice, but it's really just self-destructive.
Bill Truitt : When is it too hot to analyze me? 110, 115 degrees?
Lucia : You've got a death wish. So selfish.
[pause]
Lucia : I have one too, but I direct it toward others.
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Lucia : This is about trimesters.
Matt Mateo : Yeah, I know. I want her to go back to school too.
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Dedee Truitt : Too bad he's a fairy, right?
Lucia DeLury : That's not how I would put it.
Dedee Truitt : Well, then too bad he's however you'd put it.
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Lucia DeLury : [about Dedee] She's the human tabloid.
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Lucia DeLury : [to the crowd of reporters who have gathered on Bill's front lawn] You are all assholes! Jennifer? Jennifer Oakes, is that you?
Jennifer Oakes : Hi, Miss DeLury. Any comment on the charges against William Truitt?
Lucia DeLury : And I wrote you a letter of recommendation.
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Lucia DeLury : [waking up after falling asleep on Bill's shoulder] Oh my God, did I drool?
Bill Truitt : [looking at his shirt] No, it'll dry. Don't worry about it.
Lucia DeLury : Usually I have to be up a few more hours before I'm humiliated.
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Lucia DeLury : I want my brother's ashes back, you heartless little bitch!
Dedee Truitt : Oh yeah, that's me, Lucia, heartless. What body part are you missing?
