Vampires (1998)

James Woods: Jack Crow

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jack Crow : You ever seen a vampire?

  Father Adam Guiteau : No, I haven't.

  Jack Crow : No... Well first of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffeta. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters.

• Jack Crow : Let me ask you a question. When you were stabbing that vampire in there?

  Father Adam Guiteau : Yeah?

  Jack Crow : Did you get a little wood?

  Father Adam Guiteau : Mahogany.

  Jack Crow : Excuse me?

  Father Adam Guiteau : Ebony.

  Jack Crow : What?

  Father Adam Guiteau : Teak.

  Jack Crow : Are you possessed by demons?

  Father Adam Guiteau : Major Chubby.

  Jack Crow : Language, Padre, language!

• Jack Crow : Let me just ask you one thing - after 600 years, how's that dick workin', pretty good?

• Jack Crow : When did she first bite you?

  Montoya : Two days ago. I still covered your ass!

  Jack Crow : Yes, you did. I say we owe you two days back. Whatya think, padre?

  Father Adam Guiteau : You have two days.

• [a vampire has just snapped a metal cord that was being pulled by Montoya's jeep] 

  Father Adam Guiteau : You didn't tell me they could do that!

  Jack Crow : I didn't *know* they could do that!

• [Just as Cardinal Alba is about to complete the ceremony by burning Jack at the stake, Father Guiteau shoots Alba in the back with a shotgun, killing him in the process. Valek, his followers, and Katrina growl and hiss] 

  Jack Crow : [shocked]  Padre!

  [Valek growls] 

  Father Adam Guiteau : [yells]  Now, what are you gonna do, Valek? You've got nobody to complete your ritual! The sun's starting to rise!

  Valek : You... will finish the ritual.

  Father Adam Guiteau : [holds the shotgun to his head]  Try to make me.

  Jack Crow : Attaboy, Padre. Fuck with him!

  [to Valek] 

  Jack Crow : Hey, Valek, you're shit outta luck, pal. Give it up!

  [Valek grabs a burning torch and attempts to set Jack on fire. Guiteau removes the shotgun from his forehead] 

  Valek : Finish it.

  Father Adam Guiteau : No.

  Valek : [yells]  Finish it!

  Father Adam Guiteau : [screams]  NO!

  [Valek moves the torch closer to Jack's crotch] 

  Jack Crow : [groans]  Come on, Padre. My nuts are on fire here!

• Jack Crow : Valek is the original! The source of the disease! The first vampire created by the Catholic Church...

  Father Adam Guiteau : By accident...

  Jack Crow : SHUT THE FUCK UP!

• Jack Crow : Padre... I'm beginning to like you... so don't make me hurt you, OK? Just tell me what you know... I'll buy you a beer and get you laid. Come on. If you don't tell me, I'm gonna have to start cutting on ya.

  Father Adam Guiteau : No, you won't. You're a righteous man, Mr. Crow. Besides I serve a higher master than you. Any secrets I keep are to protect the church and its followers. Part of...

  Jack Crow : [grabs Father Guiteau and pins him to the wall]  Open your mouth.

  Father Adam Guiteau : What?

  Jack Crow : Open your mouth. Ah, yeah.

  [shoves a towel in Guiteau's mouth] 

  Jack Crow : Gimmie your hand.

  Jack Crow : [Jack cuts Giuteau's hand with his switchblade knife]  Now listen to me, you fuck! My father kept a secret once. He got bit by a vampire. He kept it a secret from me and my mother. By the fifth day he was turning. That night he attacked my mother and then he came after me. I killed my own father, Padre. I got no trouble killin' you. Last chance.

  [Padre gasping] 

  Jack Crow : Now open your motherfuckin' mouth.

  Father Adam Guiteau : No.

  Jack Crow : Open your fucking mouth! Then prepare...

  Father Adam Guiteau : No!

  [screaming] 

  Jack Crow : What? Are you ready? Excuse me? What?

  Father Adam Guiteau : Valek - Valek is for an ancient relic, the Cross of Berseires!

• Jack Crow : End of the line, Valek.

  Valek : You still with us, Crow?

  Jack Crow : I don't burn so good these days, bloodsucker.

  Valek : [raising his hands in a calm manner]  Give me the cross.

  Jack Crow : [sarcastically]  This cross? Let me just ask you one thing. After 600 years hows that dick working? Pretty good?

  [Valek advances menacingly] 

  Jack Crow : Huh? Come on

  Valek : [lunging at Jack]  The Cross!

  [Jumps but Jack stabs him with the end of the cross] 

  Jack Crow : Suck this!

  [Forces Valek against the wall while still stabbing him with the cross] 

  Jack Crow : Die! Die, you fucker! Die!

  Valek : [spreading his arms in a mocking tone]  Jack.

  [Jack hits him with a wooden plank] 

  Jack Crow : Die!

  [Hits him with another wooden plank to no effect] 

  Valek : [hits Jack across the room with the cross]  Jack. You can't kill me.

  [Starts to pull the cross out of his body he painfully yells out loud, Jack knocks a wooden pillar loose causing the roof to fall apart exposing Valek to sunlight causing him to combust and scream in agony] 

  Jack Crow : You ugly, blood-sucking fucker, DIE!

  [Valek combusts and explodes into a fireball] 

  Jack Crow : Shit!

  [sighs] 

  Jack Crow : Jesus.

• Jack Crow : Can I ask ya somethin, Padre? When I was kickin your ass back there... you get a little wood?

  Father Adam Guiteau : What?

• [Cardinal Alba, performing the ceremony, makes a cut at Jack's leg] 

  Jack Crow : [yells]  Motherf...!

• Jack Crow : [Valek is burning up from the sunlight]  You ugly, blood-sucking fucker, DIE!

• Jack Crow : [Notices Montoya is all worn out and exhausted]  You look like shit, Montoya.

  [Montoya is getting into the van] 

  Jack Crow : Where you going?

  Montoya : South.

  Jack Crow : You love her that much.

  Montoya : We make the perfect couple, Jack.

  Father Adam Guiteau : [points shotgun at Montoya]  You're not leaving!

  Jack Crow : Padre, back off.

  Father Adam Guiteau : No.

  [Montoya points his revolver at him] 

  Jack Crow : Don't make me come over there and beat the shit out of you, Padre. Back off!

  Father Adam Guiteau : He's a vampire, Jack!

  Jack Crow : [getting in the middle of both of them]  Rule number one, if your partner is ever been by a vampire, never, ever let him live.

  [Turning his head over to Father Adam] 

  Jack Crow : Padre.

  [They both lower their guns] 

  Montoya : I'm not a slayer anymore, Jack. Besides, the way I figure it, the two of you got plenty to do cleaning the rest of them out.

  Jack Crow : Meanwhile, she hides in the back of the van, out of the sunlight, while you make it for the border try to catch it by nightfall, is that it.

  Montoya : I need a vacation, Jack.

  Jack Crow : When did she first bite you?

  Montoya : Two days ago. I still covered your ass.

  Jack Crow : Yes, you did. So let's say I owe you two days back. What do you say, Padre?

  Father Adam Guiteau : You've got two days

  Jack Crow : Wherever you go, I will find you. I will hunt you down, and I will kill you. The girl too.

  [Montoya starts to cry and they both hug like brothers] 

  Montoya : Vaya con Dios, my friend.

  [He tearfully goes into the van and drives off] 

  Jack Crow : [whispering]  Vaya con Dios , Slayer.

• [Jack Crow, having been beaten up by Valek, awakens to find himself strangled and tied to the front of his truck; Cardinal Alba appears, having turned to the dark side] 

  Cardinal Alba : Hello, Jack.

  [Chuckles] 

  Cardinal Alba : From your expression, I assume you couldn't understand my presence here. I'm sorry to disillusion you, Jack. As one grows old, as death approaches, we begin to question... our fate. And I found mine lacking. "Is there a god? Is there a heaven?" I can no longer answer this for certain. I've witnessed no miracles, had no visions, and the prospect of death terrifies me. I've realized I've only one... alternative, and I made a bargain. With the devil if you wish.

  Jack Crow : You are truly a pile of dog shit, Cardinal.

  Cardinal Alba : Yeah, that's right.

  [chuckles] 

  Cardinal Alba : That's correct, Jack and I can live with that. After I have given what Valek wants, he will fulfill our bargain. And I will be transformed into one of his... new children. It's beautiful, isn't it?

  [Jack spits at the Cardinal's face] 

  Cardinal Alba : Eternal Life... Imortality... can change your heart.

  Jack Crow : Valek...

  [Valek looks at Jack] 

  Jack Crow : ... why don't you prove you can kick my ass? Come on, untie me. Come on. Fuckin' pole smokin' fashion victim. Come on over here.

  Valek : Jack...

  Jack Crow : Come on. Five minutes, then you can bite my ass a little. Would you like that, see me all tied up, huh?

  Valek : What will silence you?

  Jack Crow : Come on. Untie me, you prick!

  Valek : Perhaps this will help.

  [Katrina, now a legion of the undead and one of Valek's newest children, appears and laughs evily after finally feeding on Montoya] 

  Valek : Apparently your friend is one of my children now.

  [Jack scoffs] 

  Valek : You are alone, crusader.

• Jack Crow : [after interogating the padre and getting him to confess]  You're a good man padre... welcome to the team.

  Father Adam Guiteau : [broken]  May God forgive me.

• Cardinal Alba : Ah, Jack. Buongiorno. Come. Please, sit down.

  Jack Crow : Who's this?

  Cardinal Alba : Oh, this is Father Adam Guiteau. Father Adam's in charge of our archives. A bookworm. And he's completely familiar with all your activities, so speak freely. Tell me what happened.

  Jack Crow : We cleaned out the nest near Fort Union.

  Cardinal Alba : Mmm-hmm.

  Jack Crow : That night a master showed up. No master was ever like this, superhuman strength, unkillable, like a machine. We didn't stand a chance. So tell me if I'm wrong Cardinal. But couldn't he be the one we always talked about, the one we knew would come along one day.

  Cardinal Alba : There are some other developments, sad developments. Tom, our Tom, our Tom Callahan is dead. And the whole European team is wiped out.

  Jack Crow : When?

  Father Adam Guiteau : Three days ago.

  [hands Jack a photo showing dead bodies] 

  Father Adam Guiteau : Callahan's team was clearing a nest near Cologne, Germany. Local authorities reported it as a terrorist act. We found this at the site.

  [He shows Jack a small portrait with Valek on it] 

  Cardinal Alba : Is he the one?

  Jack Crow : Yes.

  [Notices writing on the bottom] 

  Jack Crow : What is this?

  Father Adam Guiteau : Celebratum it's medieval Latin for celebrate uh, celebrate this.

  Jack Crow : Celebrate what?

  Cardinal Alba : Well, we don't know.

  Father Adam Guiteau : I've authenticated the portrait. It was painted in 1340. The subject's name is, was Valek, Jan Valek, born in Prague 1311. He was a priest who turned against the church and led the Bohemian peasants in an uprising, actually capturing several small towns. Valek was captured. He was tried for heresy and burned at the stake. But after his death, there were reports that he was seen walking at night. It was said he killed the living to drink their blood. They opened his grave and it was found empty. It's the first known case of vampirism.

  Cardinal Alba : A priest. Valek is not like the other Masters you have hunted before. He's the first and most powerful. Of our slayers, you are the only one who faced Valek and survived.

  Jack Crow : I'm going back out. You mind if I hang on to this?

  Cardinal Alba : Jack, I've been in contact with Rome. The Vatican council requests that you rebuild your team.

  Jack Crow : There isn't time.

  Cardinal Alba : You are to return to Monterey, recruit new team members and to try again when you are at full strength. Father Adam will accompany you and take the place of poor Father Giovanni.

  Jack Crow : [scoffs]  I don't think so.

  Cardinal Alba : Jack. Jack. This is non-negotiable.

  Jack Crow : Valek is the original, the source of the disease, the first vampire created by the Catholic Church.

  Father Adam Guiteau : By accident.

  Jack Crow : Shut the fuck up! This was your fight, Cardinal. Now it is mine.

  Cardinal Alba : Jack? Jack! If you refuse to obey the rules, the operation will be canceled, the funding withdrawn.

  Jack Crow : You have any idea how this Valek knows my name?

  Cardinal Alba : [to Father Adam]  Stay close to him.

• Father Adam Guiteau : The accounts are confused, but they refer to an inverse exorcism. The body is destroyed, but the possessed soul remains. The exorcism transformed Valek into a creature whose body is dead, but who lives on

  Jack Crow : A vampire.

  Father Adam Guiteau : A vampire. The stories you heard about the black cross are true. It was used in Valek's exorcism and then taken back to Rome. It's known as the Berziers cross. The cross was then shipped to the new world. It was moved over the years from one Spanish mission to another. It's exact location was kept secret even from the Vatican. For hundreds of years it was lost. Then recently Cardinal Alba discovered the name of the only living priest who knew the location of the cross. Father Joseph Molina. Cardinal Alba and I came to the United States to find Father Molina to reclaim the Berziers cross. Now that is all I know.

  Jack Crow : You're a good man, padre. Welcome to the team.

  Father Adam Guiteau : God forgive me.

• Cardinal Alba : Hello, Jack. From your expression, I assume you couldn't possibly understand my presence here. I'm sorry to disillusion you, Jack. As one grows old, as death approaches, we begin to question our faith, and I found mine lacking. Is there a God? s there a Heaven? I can no longer answer this for certain. I've witnessed no miracles, had no visions, and the prospect of death terrifies me. I realized I've only one alternative, and I made a bargain with the devil, if you wish.

  Jack Crow : [disgusted]  You are truly... A pile of dog shit, Cardinal.

  Cardinal Alba : [chuckles]  Yeah, that's right. That's correct, Jack. And I can live with that. After I've given Valek what he wants, he will fulfill our bargain, and I will be transformed into one of his... New children. It's beautiful isn't it?

  [Jack spits in his face] 

  Cardinal Alba : Eternal life... Immortality can change your heart.

  Jack Crow : Valek. Why don't you prove you can kick my ass. Come on, untie me. Come on, fucking pole smoking fashion victim. Come on over here.

  Valek : Jack... .

  Jack Crow : Come on five minutes. Then you can bite my ass a little. Would you like that? See me all tied up? Huh?

  Valek : What will silence you?

  Jack Crow : Come on. Untie me, you prick.

  Valek : Perhaps this will help

  [Katrina enters the town fully vamped out] 

  Valek : Apparently your friend is one of my children now. You are alone, crusader.

  Jack Crow : What the fuck do you want from me, Valek?

  Valek : Oh, you hate me so, don't you? But you made me, crusader. You hate what you've made. You fear it, because it is superior to you.

  [grabs and squeezes Jack's face] 

  Valek : for 600 years I fed on your kind at will.

  [Tries to bite Jack but slowly refuses] 

  Valek : No.

  Jack Crow : Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?

  Cardinal Alba : Because you are needed, Jack. The ceremony is a reenactment of the original exorcism. It requires the blood of a crusader and his crucifixion upon a burning cross. The climax of the ceremony must coincide with the first rays of the rising sun. Sorry, Jack.

• Jack Crow : What the fuck do you want from me, Valek?

  Valek : Oh, you hate me so, don't ya? But you made me, Crusader. You hate what you made. You fear it because it is superior to you.

  [grabs Jack's chin] 

  Valek : For six hundred years, I've fed on your kind at will!

  [Attempts to bite Jack but slowly refuses] 

  Valek : [whispers]  No.

  Jack Crow : Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?

  Cardinal Alba : Because you are needed, Jack. The ceremony is a re-enactment of the original exorcism. It requires the blood of a crusader and his crucifixion upon a burning cross. The climax of the ceremony must coincide with the first rays of the rising sun. Sorry, Jack.