The Out-of-Towners (1999)

Steve Martin: Henry Clark

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Quotes 

• Henry Clark : Do you know what your problem is?

  Mr. Mersault : No, what's my problem?

  Henry Clark : You live here. You're jaded. What you need is a fresh perspective from an outsider from say Ooo-hio! Because you have forgotten just how amazing this city is. I have had more experiences in this city than many people who have lived here their whole lives. I mean, I met colorful characters. I've taken a breathtaking cab ride through Central Park. I climbed to the top of a luxury hotel. Not in the elevator, actually on the hotel. And then, I fell - in love with my wife all over again at Tavern on the Green, on the actual green itself. And - and then I had *sex* in front of the Mayor! I mean, where else can something like this happen? Only in New York!

  Mr. Mersault : What did you just say?

  Henry Clark : You mean the whole thing or the tag line for your new campaign, "Only In New York"? Which, incidentally, I copyrighted just before I came up here, along with the visual of the Statue of Liberty giving the high five to a family of tourists.

  Bill : Oh, this guy's very good.

  Henry Clark : Can I have a doughnut?

• Henry Clark : Were we nuts?

  Nancy Clark : Well, we just got lost in our essence.

  Henry Clark : There's cops everywhere, we have to lay low for a while. There's something I never thought I'd hear myself say.

• Henry Clark : You want to know what my version of marrow-sucking is?

  Nancy Clark : What?

  Henry Clark : It's being with you. That's how I suck.

• Henry Clark : You're throwing us out?

  Mr. Mersault : Good heavens, no. Security will do that.

• Lost Baggage Clerk : Where are you staying in the Boston area?

  Henry Clark : In the Boston area we are staying in New York.

• Henry Clark : Look, Alan, you're going abroad for the first time. You're gonna be in a foreign country. You might even, you know, go to Amsterdam. And, you know, just - just - European women are different.

  Alan Clark : How do you know?

  Henry Clark : James Bond films, mostly.

• Nancy Clark : I thought you hated New York.

  Henry Clark : I only hated New York when it was hip to hate New York. Now it's not hip to hate it anymore, so I don't hate it. I'm in advertising. I'm weak and I follow the crowd.

• Nancy Clark : Honey, I want to get to the hotel. How do we get there?

  Henry Clark : That's very simple. You see, the streets of New York are laid out on a rigid grid.

  Nancy Clark : Yeah, like somebody else I know.

• Dr. Faber : So your problem is lack of sex. Tell us more.

  Henry Clark : You know something? We're from Ohio and we really don't discuss sex in public. It's sort of our state motto.

• Nancy Clark : Embrace life! I want to live! I want to feel useful! I want to explore and experience! I - I want to suck the *marrow* out of life, Henry! What do you want?

  Henry Clark : Well, I - I definitely want to do some marrow-sucking.

• Nancy Clark : You were fired? I don't believe it! Not only do I hear it for the first time, but I hear it in front of a bunch of perverts? Oh, God! How could you not tell me?

  Henry Clark : Hey, you lied to me about Susan.

  Nancy Clark : It wasn't really a lie. It was an incremental accumulation of half truths.

  Henry Clark : Oh, really. Well, then mine wasn't a lie, either. It was spin.

• Henry Clark : I'm not getting this job. Not without a shave and a clean suit and a good night's sleep. By tomorrow morning, I'm gonna look like Keith Richards.

• Henry Clark : Nancy, I'm gonna have you checked for testicles.

• Henry Clark : I barely recognized you. You were so animalistic. You were so hedonistic. You were so naughty.

  Nancy Clark : Oh, you're so sweet, honey.

• Nancy Clark : Oh, Henry, you know me. When I'm hungry, I'll seduce anyone.

  Henry Clark : Oh, well that's comforting.

• Henry Clark : Who am I, the anonymous sperm donor?

• Henry Clark : You might think we're insignificant out-of-towners from Ohio, but I happen to know what our rights are.

• Henry Clark : My wife and I give you our oath we will not bear witness. Nancy, tell them we will not bear witness.

  Nancy Clark : No, we will not bear witness. We don't know how to bear witness.

• Nancy Clark : They're chasing us!

  Henry Clark : "Public fornication" won't look good on my resume.

  Nancy Clark : Oh, Henry, I got grass - grass - grass in my ass.

• Paul : Gimme a break, okay?

  Henry Clark : Give you a break? Give you a break? Hey! Listen. In the past 24 hours, I have destroyed a car, been thrown out of a hotel, forced to reveal my most intimate secrets to a group of nymphomaniacs and masturbators, watched my wife seduce a man for dinner, threatened with divorce, arrested for public urination, and drugged by Jacko, my new prison pal. I have a house, and a mortgage, and a son in college, and a daughter in the theater. And I'm one of those nice, quiet Midwestern guys that no one expects to snap, but when we do, watch it, baby!