Ron Jeremy: Wolf

Quotes 

• Gretel : Oh, Mr. Wolf. Do we have to make love here in a bed of pine needles and chipmunk shit? Can't we just run off to some distant kingdom and live happily ever after?

  Wolf : That is my sentiments exactly, my fair maiden.

  Gretel : It is? It *is* true.

  Wolf : Nah, not really. I'll just tell you what you wanna hear until I have an orgasm. Then I'll tell ya to get lost.

• Mrs. Hood : [as she spots Hal walking into the pub]  Oh, my god. I think I have a boner and I don't even have a cock!

  Wolf : Oh, I'm willing to bet that this guy is a knave, with a capital silent 'K'.

• Wolf : My, my, my, what a lovely little cottage you have here.

  Granny : Oh, thank you, thank you. Why don't you go sit down and have some nice hot tea, just brewed.

  Wolf : Why, thank you. Perhaps you've heard of me, I'm a friend of your granddaughter, Red Riding Hood.

  Granny : Oh, Red, that dear sweet little girl. Ya know, she's always bringing me wildflowers and cakes and candies and pies and things, but between you and me, I was hoping that she'd spend a little bit more time finding herself a nice handsome strong husband. Someone not unlike yourself. A brawny guy.

  Wolf : Well, perhaps you could put in a good word for me.

  Granny : Perhaps I could.

  [hands him a mug] 

  Granny : By the way, what was your name?

  Wolf : Oh...

  [Granny pours the tea past his mug into Wolf's lap] 

  Wolf : Jesus fucking Christ!

  Granny : Oh, you don't have to shout, Mr. Fuckingchrist, there's nothing wrong with my hearing. It's my eyesight that's off just a little.

• [last lines] 

  Mother Goose : And that's the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Wasn't the woodsman, Hal, big and strong and handsome? But that's what fairy tales are all about, so you can dream. And you know what they say,

  [singing] 

  Mother Goose : "Fairy tales can come true. They can happen to you. La, la, la, la..."

  Wolf , Hal : [singing]  Da, da, da...

  Wolf : [singing]  When you are among the very young at heart.

  Wolf : [imitating Wolfman Jack]  Another hit song brought to you by Wolfman.

  [Hal, Wolf, and Mother Goose continue singing]