The Story of Us (1999)

Paul Reiser: Dave, Ben's Literary Agent

Quotes 

• Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : You're writing a book about your grandmother?

  Ben : Yeah, she was an extraordinary woman.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Oh, um, I'm sure she was. Did she fuck a president?

  Ben : No.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : No. Did she discover uranium?

  Ben : No.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : A cure for cancer?

  Ben : No.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Nothing like that?

  Ben : No.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Why, why would anybody wanna read a book about her?

  Ben : 'Cause, Dave, she was four-foot-nine, she emigrated from Europe when she was a little girl, she worked in a sweatshop making buttonholes fourteen hours a day, and yet somehow managed to raise five kids and stay married to the same man for fifty-seven years. I'm telling you, Dave, this is gonna be the greatest love story ever told.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Let me explain something to you, not as your agent, this is as a friend. C'mere.

  [Dave leads Ben over to his office window] 

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : C'mere. Alright, you see all these people out here, huh? You see they're getting into buildings, they're, they're driving in cars, they're crossing the street there, they're walking around. Every single one of these people is going to die someday, and they all know it, which is why they tend to regard the time that they have on this planet as precious. Now, there, there are a lot of things that take up a lot of that time, even if they don't enjoy it. They have to go to work, they have to get dressed, they have to wait in lines, they have to clean yards, they gotta get batteries, they have to, they have to visit the eye doctors, they're doing all these things. Now, add that to the time they spend sleeping, and eating, and, and, and, and washing up, and voting, and, and, and, and buying gifts for people they don't even like, and you can see why they're so choosy about how they spend whatever leisure time they do have. And you can understand why, unless she went down on somebody really interesting, why they're not going to waste their valuable time reading a book about your fucking grandmother.

  Ben : So, if I'm reading you right, you don't like the idea.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : It's not that.

• Stan : My ass was on television this morning.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : What are you telling us?

  Stan : I'm telling you my ass was on television.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Oh, that's right. That was that special. "The Kennedy Center Salutes 50 Years of Stan's Ass."

  Stan : I went to the doctor, he took this tube that had a camera on the end of it, stuck it up my ass, and we watched it on a monitor in his office.

  Ben : You had a sigmoidoscopy.

  Stan : Exactly.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : That's a lot different than your ass being on television.

  Stan : How?

  Ben : Well, first of all, a network can't cancel your ass.

  Stan : Point well taken.

  Ben : Plus, I don't know what kind of demographics you hope to be knocking down with that big, hairy crack winkin' at you.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : All right. All right, gentlemen. We're in a public place. Do you think we could elevate the level of conversation?

  Stan : Fine with me.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Good. I jerked off to your secretary last night. I hope you don't mind.

  Stan : Why should I mind?

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : I don't know. I just wanted to make sure it was all right so I could forage ahead with a clear conscience.

  Stan : Pound away.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : You're a good friend.

• Stan : So, what's going on with you and Charlene?

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Had a great night last night.

  Stan : You still claim you're not cheating.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Yeah, I maintain that with every fiber of my being. Online sex is not cheating.

  Stan : How do you figure? It's 3:00 in the morning, your wife and kids are sleeping upstairs, and you're downstairs in your den fucking some bimbo in cyberspace.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Okay. First of all, we're not fucking. We're typing. And second of all - and this is me taking umbrage - Charlene is not some bimbo.

  Ben : You're right. She's probably a stockbroker named Ralph pretending to be some bimbo named Charlene.

  Dave, Ben's Literary Agent : Why would you piss on something so beautiful?

  Ben : What did I say?