- Victoria 'Vicky': It's got to be completely perfect. I want the right time, the right moment, the right place.
- Jessica: Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex.
- Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
- Kevin: You want to take this one?
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
- Jim: Yeah?
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
- Jim: Apple pie, huh?
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
- Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
- MILF Guy #2: [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] Dude, that chick's a MILF!
- MILF Guy #1: What the hell is that?
- MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F: Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
- MILF Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah!
- Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
- Finch: Single malt?
- Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.
- Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
- Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
- Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
- Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.
- Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.
- Finch: HOLY SHIT!
- Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member: [together] Holy shit
- Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!
- Jim's Dad: [Jim's Dad just caught Jim masturbating into the pie his mom cooked] We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.
- Kevin: We must make a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. Yes. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid!
- Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.
- Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
- Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!
- Kevin: Guys...
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
- Kevin: Guys! Come on, you're ruining my moment here. I mean, this is our very manhood at stake.
- Chuck Sherman: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches.
- Steve Stifler: Sherman!
- Chuck Sherman: Hey!
- Steve Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?
- Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
- [hesitates]
- Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud".
- [pause]
- Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
- Chuck Sherman: I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.
- Steve Stifler: You actually said that?
- [laughs hysterically]
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!
- Jim: You did better than me, Nova.
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.
- Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
- [shouts]
- Steve Stifler: *suck me, beautiful!*
- [walks off, laughing]
- Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?
- Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful.
- College Girl: What did you just say?
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful!
- [girl laughs]
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova, as in Casanova.
- College Girl: That's pathetic!
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.
- Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?
- Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.
- Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?
- Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.
- [Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]
- Stifler's Brother: [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...
- Jim: Yes it was...
- Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen Shitbrick lately?
- Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?
- Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.
- [shows a jar of laxatives]
- Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*!
- Choir singer: [to himself] Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide.
- Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start.
- Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.
- Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.
- [Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]
- Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!
- Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?
- Kevin: Just go.
- Finch: And why is this?
- Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.
- Finch: [snorts] That's charming.
- Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.
- Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!
- [Finch runs from the room]
- Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!
- Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?
- Stifler's Mom: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?
- Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.
- Vicky: [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her] Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know, even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?
- Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.
- Vicky: Right.
- [Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]
- Jim: Oh man...
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?
- Jim: And what did you say?
- Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.
- Jim: You think she was serious?
- Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"
- Jim: Yeah, yeah.
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.
- Jim: Yeah.
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.
- Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...
- Jim: Hey.
- [Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a cartoon, dude.
- Jim: She's a hot cartoon.
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, is there anything you don't jerk off to?
- Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.
- [Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.
- Jim: Cassanova!
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.
- Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.
- Steve Stifler: Yeah right, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.
- Kevin: Really, Stifler, he's the manager.
- Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
- Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
- Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sake and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
- Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
- Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!
- [Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class]
- Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Hey, Kevin.
- [mouthing]
- Victoria 'Vicky': I want to have sex.
- Kevin: [loudly] Now?
- Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Prom.