That '70s Show (1998–2006)

Wilmer Valderrama: Fez

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Fez : You don't like me because I'm not from here.

  Red : This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner!

• Steven Hyde : Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.

  Michael Kelso : I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.

  [everyone looks at him] 

  Michael Kelso : Naked! That's the way God intended.

  Jackie Burkhardt : No way.

  Michael Kelso : Why not? It'd be fun.

  Donna Pinciotti : Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.

  Eric : So, you don't want to do it?

  Donna Pinciotti : Well... I don't care. I'll do it.

  Eric : You... Okay, I'm in.

  Fez : Naked is dirty.

  [singing] 

  Fez : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

  All : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

  Jackie Burkhardt : [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked]  This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!

  Steven Hyde : By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.

  Fez : Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?

  All : No!

  Eric : Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.

  Steven Hyde : We can go to my house.

  Michael Kelso : Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.

  Steven Hyde : She's not even home, you moron!

  [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder] 

  Fez : Put on the top forty.

  [Fez reaches over for the radio] 

  Steven Hyde : Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!

  Fez : Well, what do you want me to do about it?

  Steven Hyde : I don't know. Tuck it in!

• Michael Kelso : Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!

  Steven Hyde : Anyone with a quarter?

  Michael Kelso : Me!

  Fez : Damn, and I had a quarter!

• Fez : I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?

  Steven Hyde : There's no such thing as too much, Fez.

• Jackie Burkhardt : Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.

  Eric : Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.

  Donna Pinciotti : Me too.

  Steven Hyde : Hear hear.

  Fez : Yes.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?

  [Everyone nods] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.

  Steven Hyde : ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

• Fez : I am so excited about Star Whores.

  Steven Hyde : Fezzy, man... Star Wars.

  Fez : Screw that.

• Fez : I like my women like I like my wine - red and full of alcohol.

• Fez : Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?

  Eric : I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.

  Steven Hyde : How long have you two been planning that line out?

  Eric : For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.

• [referring to Eric's failing grades] 

  Fez : Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.

• Eric : What happened between you two?

  Fez : Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.

  Fenton : If you mean old and cracked, I agree.

  Fez : I'll see you in hell!

  Fenton : I'll be wearing your pants!

• Fez : Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you".

• Fez : Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever.

• Fez : Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.

  Steven Hyde : So what?

  Fez : So it's the saddest story in the world.

  Steven Hyde : You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.

• Fez : Don't resist me, Mama. It's boogie time.

• Red Forman : What the hell happened?

  Steven Hyde : Eric made out with Laurie's friend.

  Red Forman : Anything else?

  Fez : Your son is a whore.

• Fez : I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared... like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down.

• Michael Kelso : The truth is out there, man, it's out there.

  Fez : No more for you.

• Michael Kelso : Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.

  Fez : Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?

  Michael Kelso : No.

  Steven Hyde : Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.

  Eric : The weasel wouldn't pop out.

  Michael Kelso : OK, ENOUGH.

  Eric : Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.

  Steven Hyde : That's a good one Forman.

  Eric : I know, it just came to me.

  Fez : Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.

  Michael Kelso : This can't be happening to me.

  Fez : Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.

• Eric : Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.

  Fez : This is the proudest moment of my life.

  Steven Hyde : It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.

  Michael Kelso : Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.

• Fez : AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.

  Eric : Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?

  Fez : We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that.

• Kelso : Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.

  Donna : How are you gonna do that?

  Michael Kelso : By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.

  Eric : So what are you gonna say?

  Michael Kelso : Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.

  Donna : Don't you think you should plan it out a little?

  Michael Kelso : Does an astronaut plan out his missions?

  Fez : What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?

  Michael Kelso : Oh, you just wait and see.

• Fez : Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?

  Steven Hyde : Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier.

  Fez : Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA.

• [Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut] 

  Fez : But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?

  Leo : Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking.

  Steven Hyde : Leo... Once again... You are the boss.

  Leo : And, I'm not looking.

  [Hyde gives Fez the money] 

• [Cooking] 

  Kitty Forman : Where's my brown sugar?

  Fez : I'm right here, sweetie pie.

• Jackie Burkhardt : [on the phone]  So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?

  Fez : [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say]  Say, "Yes, it is."

  Michael Kelso : [Fez puts the phone by his ear]  Yes it is.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?

  Fez : [to Kelso]  "Yes, I do."

  Michael Kelso : [phone by his ear]  Yes, I do.

  Jackie Burkhardt : You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?

  Fez : [to Kelso]  "No, describe it to me."

  Michael Kelso : [phone by ear]  No, describe it to me.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.

  Fez : No, I don't know.

  Jackie Burkhardt : MICHAEL!

• Fez : This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business.

• Eric : [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car]  Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?

  Michael Kelso : Maybe he's, like, religious.

  Steven Hyde : Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?

  Michael Kelso : Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.

  Steven Hyde : Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?

  Fez : Sully must love bingo.

  Eric : All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.

  Michael Kelso : Then who's car is it?

  [police siren wails] 

• Fez : That's not a tater tot... that's a tater giant!

• Eric : So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.

  Fez : Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.

  Steven Hyde : See, this is why your country lost the war.

  Fez : My country never fought a war.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, big surprise.

• Fez : Who are you?

  Rhonda : Fez, it's me Rhonda.

  Fez : So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?

  Rhonda : No. It's not kosher.

  Fez : Who said?

  Rhonda : [pointing to Jackie and Donna]  They did.

  Fez : Oh, really?

  [turning to Donna and Jackie] 

  Fez : What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?

  Donna Pinciotti : I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.

  Jackie Burkhardt : You said she was a sasquatch.

  Donna Pinciotti : So did you.

• Fez : Whenever I look at naked ladies, I get really tired. Then I get my second wind, and then I want to look at more naked ladies.

• [Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest] 

  Michael Kelso : Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...

  Jackie Burkhardt : OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.

  Fez : And basic hygiene.

• [Michael on Eric] 

  Michael Kelso : How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?

  Fez : Not me.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Not me.

  Steven Hyde : Not me, man.

  Michael Kelso : Thank you.

• Fez : These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?

• Michael Kelso : Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?

  Fez : Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend.

• Fez : Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries.

• Fez : My gosh, Buddy. With a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.

• Eric : Guys, I can't think Penny is hot. I mean, she's my cousin. That's like thinking my mom's... Whoa, I'm gonna stop right there.

  Fez : I thought that about your mother, but I didn't stop there.

• Fez : Eric, what a glorious man-ring.

• Fez : Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser.

  Steven Hyde : Fez, that's not your car.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab.

• Fez : When is it Fez's turn? Where is my whore?

• Fez : Look, my first snowball. I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy.

• Steven Hyde : Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman.

  Fez : Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants.

• Fez : Need a refill?

  Burt : Sure. Thanks.

  [to Laurie] 

  Burt : When did they get a house boy?

• Bob Pinciotti : I didn't ask for a drink.

  Fez : Well, I didn't ask to be born in a field.

• Fez : I'm going to spend the rest of my American money on candy and porno.

  Donna : But, Fez.

  Fez : I said candy and porno!

• Michael Kelso : I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...

  [begins to cry] 

  Fez : [stares at kelso] 

  Steven Hyde : [stares at kelso] 

  Eric : [stares at kelso]  Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle

  Michael Kelso : I can't help it.

  Michael Kelso : I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song

  Michael Kelso : [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing] 

  Steven Hyde : Hey I kno how you can start it.

  [begins to sing] 

  Steven Hyde : You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore

  Eric : My sister is such a whore

  [begins to giggle] 

  Michael Kelso : [glares at hyde] 

• Fez : Caroline, I have to break up with you.

  Caroline : Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.

  Fez : No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.

  Caroline : WHAT?

  Jackie Burkhardt : Ewww...

  Fez : Please tell her, Donna... Please?

  Donna Pinciotti : [whispers]  What if she tries to kill me?

  Fez : You're a giant, you can take her.

• Fez : Guys, I'm in pain.

  Donna Pinciotti : Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you.

  Fez : No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN.

  Donna Pinciotti : Eww.

• Jackie Burkhardt : I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring.

  Fez : Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive.

  Steven Hyde : Girlish, even.

  Fez : So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you.

  Jackie Burkhardt : You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time.

  [Kelso enters] 

  Jackie Burkhardt : WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?

• Fez : Look at this, Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? Another woman.

• Fez : Oh, the ladies want a piece of Fez.

• [Kitty presents the Thanksgiving turkey] 

  Kitty Forman : Ok, who likes dark meat?

  Fez : Hey, who doesn't? Am I right ladies?

• Fez : Oh Eric, you do not buy soda. You only rent it...

  [Eric just glares at him] 

  Fez : ...You know what I mean...

  [Eric continues to stare at him] 

  Fez : ...I mean you pee it out.

• Fez : We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet.

  Michael Kelso : If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait.

• Fez : Guys, Rhonda said she wanted to share something with me, tonight. That means we are going to do it.

  Steven Hyde : Nice.

  Fez : But, I have a problem. I have no place to do it in. I need someplace cheap and roomy... just like my Rhonda.

• Eric : Fez, I know you've spoken English for only a few weeks, now. But could you have learned the phrase 'Don't tell my Dad?" 'Don't' being the contraction for do not and 'tell my Dad' meaning SHUT UP?

  Fez : See, right there you told me NOT to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch.

• [Fez on Big Rhonda] 

  Fez : I know that I just met her Mr. Red, but I love her. She is... sturdy. I want to climb her.

• Rhonda : Relax. We're all part of the gang.

  Jackie Burkhardt : No, no, no. *You're* not part of this gang. You can't be a part of this gang. I had to kiss butt for a year to be a part of this gang.

  Fez : That was you being *nice*?

• Fez : There's a tornado coming. Oh my god, I'm going to die a virgin.

  Rhonda : ...Not if I have anything to say about it.

  Fez : You can talk all you want, there's a tornado coming.

• [Everybody's going bowling] 

  Fez : Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?

  Steven Hyde : Fez, Fez, Fez. You know the answer to that question.

  Fez : [frustrated]  Pink ladies' ball until I lose my virginity.

• [At a bowling alley] 

  Michael Kelso : [picks up two bowling balls]  Hey, guys, I got 10 pound balls.

  [everybody laughs] 

  Fez : [picks up two balls]  Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them.

  [everybody stares at Fez] 

  Fez : Now why was that not funny?

• Michael Kelso : Hey, guys, look! I have ten pound balls! That never gets old.

  Fez : Hey, guys! My balls are black and blue!

  Eric : Good one!

  Steven Hyde : Niiice!

  Michael Kelso : Funny.

  Fez : Wow. My balls are finally funny!

• Steven Hyde : Hey, Fez, do you happen to have my money?

  Fez : Actually, I do happen not to have your money.

  Steven Hyde : Oh, really? Well, until you do...

  [grabs candy away from Fez and starts eating it] 

  Fez : My candy... Oh, you'll get your money... IN HELL.

• Kitty Forman : Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party... so it's Jackie... and Fez.

  [Kitty leaves] 

  Fez : Yay.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Come on Fez, let's go.

  [Fez and Jackie leave] 

  Donna Pinciotti : What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that...

• Eric : Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.

  Michael Kelso : Dates. Dates cost money.

  Fez : No, Kelso, that is prostitution.

  Steven Hyde : No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.

• Donna Pinciotti : My parents are going to the Playboy mansion this weekend. Anybody want souvenirs?

  Steven Hyde : Ashtrays.

  Fez : A woman.

• Fez : Stop touching each other. It gives me needs...

• Fez : Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?

  Donna Pinciotti : That's my sister. And, she's 14.

  Fez : You know, in my country...

  Steven Hyde : It's illegal here.

  Fez : Oh.

• [the guys are in Chicago] 

  Fez : People are so friendly around here. The women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, for money Fez.

  Fez : I could not ask them for money... or could I?

• Fez : Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Why is he scared?

  Steven Hyde : Because you're scary.

• Jackie Burkhardt : Fez, you are like, an amazing dancer.

  Fez : Actually, Jackie... YOU are the reason I am amazing.

• [the guys go to a disco] 

  Fez : Okay, that's it. You must let me in.

  The Bouncer : Why?

  Fez : Because I feel the hard rhythm of disco burning in my loins.

• [Eric and Donna are engaged] 

  Eric : Don't tell Donna I told you, okay? She'd kill me. It's supposed to be a secret.

  Fez : Of course its supposed to be a secret. 'I'm marrying a dumbell'... who wants that spread around?

• Michael Kelso : There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect.

  Fez : Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia, too.

• Steven Hyde : He's as dead as your Mayan forefathers.

  Fez : My forefathers were not Mayan.

  Steven Hyde : Like anyone cares.

• Donna Pinciotti : What do you guys want to do after you graduate?

  Eric : Not touch dead people again, ever.

  Fez : I would like to go back to my homeland, with all the knowledge I learned in Wisconsin... and rule with an iron fist.

• [the guys imitate Jackie] 

  Steven Hyde : Michael, call me later.

  Eric : Michael, do your Chico impression.

  Fez : Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.

  [the guys stare at Fez] 

  Fez : ...please someone else talk now.

• [Everybody's playing "Horse" in the driveway. Kelso throws and misses] 

  Michael Kelso : Damn.

  Steven Hyde : Oh. Kelso misses another one. I believe it's already H-O-R.

  Fez : That's right. You are a whore.

• Fez : [making a crank call]  Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?

  Steven Hyde : Breasts.

  Fez : Oh. How big are your breasts?

  [listens] 

  Fez : This is Fez. Who is this?

• Michael Kelso : Yeah, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusin' myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.

  Fez : ...unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off.

• [Kelso just got bossed around by his new girlfriend] 

  Michael Kelso : Man, it's great to be under somebody's thumb again.

  [pause] 

  Fez : What did your mother do to you?

• Steven Hyde : We need to do something that says "We're not gonna stand for a corrupt electoral system". Something that will leave a mark.

  Fez : Oh, I know. A bloody coup.

• Fez : That Tomas is shady. But have you noticed, he never says what country he's from?

  Steven Hyde : What country are you from?

  Fez : What country are YOU from?

  Steven Hyde : America.

  Fez : Fine, mystery solved.

• Fez : You know Jackie, if you're in the market for a new lover, they say once you go Fez, you never go back. In my language that rhymes.

• Fez : Don't worry Kelso the puberty bunny will visit you soon.

• Fez : Do you know what's a good job for me... Gigolo. The loving is over. Now pay me.

• [Donna beats Eric at a game] 

  Fez : You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.

  Eric : [smiling]  Really?

  Fez : Yes, but this is America. Wuss.

• Fez : My Green Card, I kept it in my right shoe for safe keeping, I even make up a rhyme to help me remember, my green card in my right shoe something something right shoe.

• Fez : I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.

  Michael Kelso : Well, that's Canada... Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham.

• Steven Hyde : You have to be aloof.

  Fez : Did you just call me a 'loof'? Because if so, I'll have to kick you in your nads.

  Steven Hyde : No man, aloof. Distant, zen...

  Fez : Well, that's not what a loof means in my language.

  Steven Hyde : Look, I don't care what you think it means. That's what it means here.

  Fez : You're the loof.

  Steven Hyde : Hey Fez...

  Fez : ...I SAID LOOF.

• [the guys plan to streak] 

  Steven Hyde : I'll write a really great slogan like, 'I Hate the Fuzz' on my ass.

  Fez : If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?

• Fez : Don't you want to know what I have to say?

  Steven Hyde : Man, I never know what you have to say. I mean, in your head you're speaking English, but when it comes out its all buzzes and clicks.

• Fez : Is he going to moon me? Oh, great, he's going to moon me.

• Donna Pinciotti : Fez, you're awesome. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?

  Fez : Well, there's Jackie... Laurie... this girl from gym, another girl from Chemistry... country western star Tanya Tucker... she does not answer her letters.

• Steven Hyde : Hey, Fez, listen to this.

  [reads from magazine] 

  Steven Hyde : Tight pants can show off a man's derriere and show a woman heaven. Also, an open shirt can expose a sexy chest and show an enormous 'Joie De Vivre'.

  Fez : Really? I always thought my 'Joie De Vivre' was in my pants.

• Steven Hyde : If you don't shut up, you'll be the first person to touch his chin to his ass.

  Fez : Have you been spying on me?

• Kitty Forman : Red hates you.

  Fez : Oh, don't be silly. Red loves me.

  Kitty Forman : You gave him a heart attack.

  Eric : Mom, maybe Dad loved Fez so much that his heart just... exploded.

• Eric : Fez, you better start kissing Red's butt or else he'll make sure you're deported.

  Fez : Who should be kissing who's butt? He should be thanking me for taking his trashy daughter off his hands.

  Laurie Forman : I'm not that trashy. I won't sleep with you.

  Fez : Oh, zip it Jezabelle.

• [Fenton tells Eric to either pay for the engagement ring for Donna or give it back] 

  Fez : Eric, you better do what he says. I've been on the other side of Fenton's stick. And trust me, that is not the side you wanna be on.

• Eric : So, we're finally gonna meet the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina.

  Fez : Hey, does this hickey look fictional?

  Donna : Nope, it's real.

  Fez : How can you tell?

  Donna : It's too small to be the vacuum cleaner hose like last time.

• Fez : Jackie you seem different. I don't know if its your hair, your outfit... Or your red puffy eyes.

• Steven Hyde : Look man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me.

  Fez : Thanks. You're my best friend. Let's hold hands.

• Fez : [singing]  Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree, they're in love like two monkeys

  Steven Hyde : That's not even how it goes.

  Fez : Well, is it making you mad?

  Steven Hyde : Yes.

  Fez : Then, that's how it goes.

• Fez : [about Donna]  If we were in my country I'd string you from the tallest tree.

  Steven Hyde : We're not in your country.

  Fez : Right. So good luck with Donna.

• Fez : But if you don't tell Donna how you feel, then you will regret it.

  Steven Hyde : I'm going to the Vineyard.

  Fez : Good for you.

• Steven Hyde : Go ahead and hit me. A free shot.

  Kelso : You gonna hit me back?

  Steven Hyde : No, man. That's why they call it a free shot.

  Kelso : Oh. OK. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready.

  Fez : We're ready. Do it, fool.

• Steven Hyde : We could go to Chicago and peddle Fez's ass for beer.

  Fez : I'm game.

• Fez : ["That 70s Show" 100 episode, the musical] 

  [singing] 

  Fez : Some people call me the space cowboy...

  Eric : No, nobody calls you like that. But if there were someone, then I'll be the space cowboy.

  Steven Hyde : Please, Forman, if there's any space cowboy in this group it's me, and I'm also the midnight toker!

• Fez : [inhales helium from balloon and talks in high pitched voice]  No, Donna, please don't crush me, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase.

• [Kelso's complaining about how much he misses Jackie] 

  Fez : What do you miss about her, Kelso? All she ever did was call you names. Heck, I can do that for you. You idiot. See?

  Kelso : Aw, thanks, Fez.

• Steven Hyde : Poor Forman, man. Working for Red. I wouldn't wish that on my enemies.

  Fez : I would. Those suckas must pay!

• Fez : How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a toosie pop? One...

  [lick] 

  Fez : Two-hoo.

  [lick] 

  Fez : Ah, screw it.

  [bites] 

  Fez : Ow, my tooth! Oh, why did I have to bite it?

• [Jackie and Kelso have left leaving Eric, Donna, and Fez alone] 

  Fez : Ah, they have finally left. Now it's just the three of us.

  Eric : That's great, Fez.

  Fez : Oh, I get it. If I was gone you two would kiss. Ah, life's a bitch, huh?

• Kitty Forman : Eric, David's here!

  Fez : The scoliosis asthma freak is here? I cannot wait to see this!

• Donna : Wow, David, you've really grown up!

  David Milbank : Hey, look at you. You have really grown up!

  Eric : Yes, in fact we've all grown up.

  Fez : Yes, but him much more than you have.

• [Fez got arrested for vandalizing Point Place's water tower while Hyde and Kelso got away] 

  Fez : [to Hyde and Kelso]  Thanks for getting me out of jail, you two sons of two bitches!

• [Fez has just gotten out of jail after being arrested for something Hyde and Kelso did] 

  Fez : Oh, and guess what? They looked into my records and discovered my visa expires after I graduate from high school. That means I'm going to be deported. Thanks a lot, you guys. Now I have to relearn my native language.

• Mr. Wilkinson : [after the gang has stolen his mailbox]  Bloody hell- is that my mailbox?

  Fez : [imitating Mr. Wilikinson]  Bloody hell is that me mailbox?

  [everyone laughs] 

• Fez : I'm confused. What's going on?

  Steven Hyde : You see, Donna, as a creative artist, wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass.

• Fez : [writing to Prresident Carter about why he should be able to stay in America]  If I have to leave this country, where am I going to go? France? Fuck France.

• Fez : I choose boobs!

• Fez : Rhonda, I thought we'd start our evening with a hot-dog eating contest. Now, I know you're the State Hot Dog Eating Champion, but I think I can make it interesting.

  Rhonda : Sorry, Fez, I don't eat food for money OR glory any more.

  [whispering and gesturing to Jackie and Donna] 

  Rhonda : It's not ladylike.

• Fez : [thinks he sees Laurie naked]  Hey, are you naked or are you just happy to see me?

  Donna Pinciotti : [turns around, completely naked, her eyes go wide in shock]  Oh, my God, Fez!

  [she ducks down out of sight] 

  Fez : [wide eyed]  Oh, my God, Donna!

  [thinking to himself] 

  Fez : Don't worry, just turn on the charm...

  [speaking aloud] 

  Fez : Hey, nice honkers!

  Donna Pinciotti : Get out of here!

  [starts throwing rocks at him] 

• Fez : [on a dead fish]  Oh, it's so stinky. What are we going to do with it?

  Steven Hyde : Simple, man. We're going to find a place to hide the stinky, and ruin someone's day. The question is where, how, and who?

  [throws basketball, it's hits Kelso's van and knocks a hubcap off] 

  Steven Hyde : The answer is there, that, and Kelso!

• Donna Pinciotti : I can't believe Hyde. I mean he completely broke Jackie's heart. Who just goes and marries a stripper?

  Fez : What are you, dense? Anybody who can, that's who!

• Donna Pinciotti : Wow, Jackie. After everything you've been through with Hyde, you come here and insult me! You're all better.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Well, I'm not going to sit around moping. I'm going to do what every woman does when they hit rock bottom.

  Fez : You're going to have sex with me?

  Jackie Burkhardt : No, I'm going to go out and meet some boys. And crush their hearts one by one.

• Fez : [drinking from a bottle of Amaretto]  Mmm... liquid candy.

• Fez : Thanks for getting me out of jail you 2 sons of 2 bitches!