Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen (1988)

Otto Petersen: Self, George

Quotes 

• Otto Petersen : Otto and I would like to preform some classic ventrilquism now. Otto here is going to drink a glass of water, and blow me.

• Otto Petersen : Im uncomfortable. I gotta work with your hand up my ass. I gotta take a shit and eveything.

• Otto Petersen : I'm gonna go to Maceys and fuck the mannequins. Theyre nice and tight. I'm gonna fuck the whole store. I'll fuck the 1st and second floor, you fuck the 3rd... .. that's lawnmowers you dopey cocksuckin prick.

• Otto Petersen : Here's my impression of a black guy sneezing. "Ahhh... .AHH-POOSEY"

• Otto Petersen : I was circumcised with a pencil sharpener.

• Otto Petersen : Look at this shit. They gave me my own microphone. Stupid cocksuckers think I'm real!

• Otto Petersen : Hey, how many of you masturbate? Raise your good hand. I ain't ashamed to admit it. I beat my wood! I tried phone sex today. It was terrible. My dick got caught in the 9! That party line is a bunch of shit. They show these beautiful girls in the commercial, but the reality of it is it's 20,000 guys jerking off to one fat bitch in Jersey.

• Otto Petersen : George. Watch your language. There are ladies here.

  [George] 

  Otto Petersen : There's ladies here? BLOW JOBS! PROTEIN SLURPEES!

• Otto Petersen : I drive a taxi cab here in NYC. Any of you cheap bastards recognise me

  [Spins dolls head around] 

• Otto Petersen : Hey, you wanna get my feet back in the chair? Im fucking swinging here. Make my ass look real. Let's Get a fucking illusion going here.

• Otto Petersen : So, George. How's your girlfriend going?

  [George] 

  Otto Petersen : Oh, that slut?

  [Otto] 

  Otto Petersen : What are you calling her that for?

  [George] 

  Otto Petersen : Shes a whore. One time, she spread her legs and a Greyhound bus drove out. The driver had a clothes peg on his nose and the passengers demanded their money back. I exaggerate to clarify. You know, I went to pick her up one time and her father was there. He said to me, "What are your intentions with my daughter?" I said, "Well, sir. Id like to get the ball rolling by first de-veining your cock with a clam knife, then I'm going to take her out to all my friends, and we're all going to get blow jobs. Protein slurpees! What are my intentions? I'm gonna try to fuck her! I wrote a song about her. It's called, "How can I tell you in love you, when I can hardly breath down here!"

• Otto Petersen : New Jersey. Where a fart is refreshing. If you fart in a car in Jersey, they roll the windows up.

• Otto Petersen : I fucked Miss Piggy. I porked her! 1Bacon shot out her ears!