Strangers with Candy (1999–2000)

Stephen Colbert: Chuck Noblet, Mr. Noblet, Nurse Laughton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jerri Blank : "Packing a Musket", by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're beggin' you please to get down on your knees near their groinage, excusa me, but you see, don't you touch where they pee without coinage.

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Thank you, Jerri...

  Jerri Blank : When I straddle and squat, to show you my...

  [Bell rings] 

• Mr. Chuck Noblet : [reading a note he confiscated from Jerri]  My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando, I'm afraid it will get infected. P.S. I just know I'm going to win homecoming queen. That will show those sons of bitches, especially Noblet.

• Chuck Noblet : Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.

• Chuck Noblet : Can anyone tell me the tragic irony of the Trojan War? Tina?

  Tina : Um, that horses are friendly creatures yet a hollow, wooden one was used to destroy Troy?

  Chuck Noblet : Wrong and no. Anyone else? Chip?

  Chip Beavers : That the mighty warrior Achilles was killed by a small cut to his ankle.

  Chuck Noblet : Chip is wronger. OK, here it is. The tragic irony of the Trojan War is that though it was fought over Helen, who was young and beautiful, by the time they rescued her ten years later, she was old and ugly.

  Tina : But wasn't recovering the king's wife reward enough for the Greeks?

  Chuck Noblet : Tina, an ugly woman is never a reward.

• Mr. Chuck Noblet : It's unthinkable, the atrocities that the Native Aamericans committed against the buffalo. No one is certain what exactly the Native Americans did to the poor creatures, but whatever it was, it caused the buffalo to become so depressed, that when the white men came, the buffalo committed suicide by jumping in front of the white men's muskets.

• Mr. Chuck Noblet : [Noblet is 'trying' to break a cult's hold over Jerri]  Come on, Jerri! Let's go!

  Jerri Blank : Where?

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Back to the cult! We'll go through the furnace and then out the air shaft!

  Jerri Blank : We'll burn to death!

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Father will protect us! Where's your faith, woman?

• Mr. Chuck Noblet : [to Jerri]  You are a big, fat, stupid *zero*, fatty.

  Jerri Blank : [hurt]  Fatty?

• Mr. Chuck Noblet : [to Jerri, who wants to run for Homecoming Queen]  You want to hear a little secret? You're only as ugly as we think you are.

• Jerri Blank : Do a lot of the people die of syphilis?

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

• Chuck Noblet : So, is there no Mrs. Jellineck?

  Geoffrey Jellineck : No...

  Chuck Noblet : Divorce?

  Geoffrey Jellineck : She was, uh, she was murdered.

  Chuck Noblet : Sometimes that can be just as painful.

• Mr. Chuck Noblet : You're new here, so let me lay it down for you. I run a pretty tight ship around here. Thats why the student call me "the hammer".

  Orlando Pinatubo : We don't call you that.

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Shut up.

• Principal Onyx Blackman : What's the situation? Who ran him down?

  Chuck Noblet : How should I know? I'm married!

• Chuck Noblet : [Noblet realizes Jerri has been watching him cry]  Jerri, hi! I was just looking for my classroom! Is this it? Nope! This is Mr. Jellineck's class! Hmm!

• Geoffrey Jellineck : Jellineck. Geoffrey Jellineck. I'm the new art teacher.

  Chuck Noblet : Oh of course you are! Hi, I'm Chuck Noblet. Social studies, creative writing, school newspaper, assistant to the principal...

  Geoffrey Jellineck : What don't you do!

  Chuck Noblet : Get my lesson plans in on time!

• Geoffrey Jellineck : Hello, Judas.

  Chuck Noblet : Sorry, Geoffrey, I can't hear you above the roar of my success.

• Chuck Noblet : Dear Jerri... I am a certain someone who is in certain danger of having a certain terrible secret revealed by another certain someone. What should I do? Signed, In Certain Trouble.

  Jerri Blank : Hm, someone's gonna tell a secret... Dear Certain, dead men tell no tales. Wink wink!

• Jerri Blank : Well, you eat a lot.

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Jerri, I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. For instance, last night I ate half a strawberry cheesecake at 3 A.M. and I'll never gain an ounce, understand?... Great my onion rings are burned!

  Jerri Blank : Sorry

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Sorry is not gonna make that golden brown ok... I'll never get this one back. You can't unfry things Jerri, you can't be something you're not.