Strangers with Candy (1999–2000)

Amy Sedaris: Jerri Blank

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jerri Blank : "Packing a Musket", by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're beggin' you please to get down on your knees near their groinage, excusa me, but you see, don't you touch where they pee without coinage.

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Thank you, Jerri...

  Jerri Blank : When I straddle and squat, to show you my...

  [Bell rings] 

• Jerri Blank : Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.

• Jerri Blank : I did things I wouldn't force on a mule, and that includes things I forced on a mule.

• Jerri Blank : I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.

• Jerri Blank : Dear diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you.

• Jerri Blank : Hello. I'm Jerry Blank. 32 years ago I dropped out of High School and ran away from home. Oh, I made a lot of friends... did a lot of time. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. I stole the TV. - Did some more time. But now I'm back in school. And though the faces may have changed, the hassles are just the same.

• Jerri Blank : I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

• Jerri Blank : [about her chicken, Suki]  She'll eat grapes out of anywhere I put them... Anywhere.

• Orlando Pinatubo : You should run for homecoming queen, Jerri.

  Jerri Blank : What? Are you joking? I don't think I'm what the boys consider a traditional beauty.

  Orlando Pinatubo : In my country, you'd be a real queen.

  Jerri Blank : Yeah, well, that's cause your country's ruled by monkeys.

  Orlando Pinatubo : Jerri, that's an ugly thing to say.

  Jerri Blank : Geez, why are you people so sensitive about your resemblance to monkeys? They're adorable.

• Jerri Blank : I've changed. People change. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann's holly bushes... last night.

• Jerri Blank : If you're gonna reach for a star, reach for the lowest one you can.

• Father : What now, Jerri?

  Jerri Blank : I want to go home.

  Father : Fine. You're not a prisoner here. There are no bars on our electrified fences. We don't have attack dogs lurking in the alligator-infested swamps surrounding this compound.

  Father : [Holds up a sandal]  Here. Call your parents, have them come and pick you up.

  Jerri Blank : That's a sandal.

  Father : More distrust, Jerri!

• Jerri Blank : Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with your having sex.

• Jerri Blank : Dreams can happen

  Sara Blank : It's nice that you think that, dear.

• Jerri Blank : Come on, pick me. Look, I have the legs of a mongoose.

• Jerri Blank : What are you painting?

  Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck : Oh, just a little bit of Americana for Drug Awareness Week. It's the Battle of Miami. Columbus here, fighting the pilgrims as they attempt to land.

• Coach Cherri Wolf : Today we're gonna be talking about reproduction and its consequences. In order for you to learn what it's like to take care of a ten pound

  [makes finger quotes] 

  Coach Cherri Wolf : baby, each of you will be taking care of... a ten pound baby. First up, Jerri Blank.

  Jerri Blank : But I've had plenty of babies. Just none I've carried to full term.

  Coach Cherri Wolf : Come get the baby, Jerri.

  Jerri Blank : I don't understand the point of this.

  Coach Cherri Wolf : The point, Jerri, is for you to learn a valuable lesson.

  Jerri Blank : Which is?

  Coach Cherri Wolf : Well, if I told you the lesson, you wouldn't be learning it. I'd be teaching it.

• Ricky : You just gave me away?

  Jerri Blank : No, no, never. I traded you for a guitar. God, and all these years I've wondered, "What happened to that guitar?"

• Sara Blank : Did you by any chance wipe your ass on our bathroom towels?

  Jerri Blank : Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

  Sara Blank : Yes, Jerri.

  Jerri Blank : You have the huevos mas grandes trying to make me look like some filthy animal in front of my super-cool friend Fran.

  Sara Blank : Did you do it?

  Jerri Blank : Yes... I was in a hurry.

• Jerri Blank : Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times.

• Jerri Blank : "Dear Diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you. Everything's changed; I'm in love... something you would never understand you dirty, dirty, dirty Jew diary. Just kidding, just kidding. Jerri Blank."

• Jerri Blank : You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters is being rich in money.

• Jerri Blank : Hey Stew, you seen my mother?

  Stew : Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with?

• Jerri Blank : I like the pole and the hole.

• [Talking to a tree she has just planted] 

  Jerri Blank : You know, you and me have got a lot in common, we both have thick leathery bark, we both have initials carved into our trunks, and we're both setting down new roots.

• Jerri Blank : Florida. Beautiful weather - harsh penal system.

• [Jerri is running for homecoming queen] 

  Jerri Blank : I was nominated today.

  Sara Blank : Oh Jerri, I'm sorry. Kids can be so cruel in their pranks. I'll have your father call Principal Blackman tomorrow.

  Jerri Blank : It wasn't a prank. It's for real, stepmother. And I have a good chance at winning.

  Sara Blank : Of course you do, darling. And I'm a caribou.

• Jerri Blank : And as for that little redheaded spitfire, Tammi Littlenut, well - let's just say the carpet matches the drapes.

  [Grunts] 

• Father : Who are you?

  Jerri Blank : Jerri Blank.

  Father : No...

  [slowly] 

  Father : who... are... you?

  Jerri Blank : Jeerrrrrriiiii... Blllllaaaaannnnkkkkk

• Mr. Chuck Noblet : [Noblet is 'trying' to break a cult's hold over Jerri]  Come on, Jerri! Let's go!

  Jerri Blank : Where?

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Back to the cult! We'll go through the furnace and then out the air shaft!

  Jerri Blank : We'll burn to death!

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Father will protect us! Where's your faith, woman?

• Mr. Chuck Noblet : [to Jerri]  You are a big, fat, stupid *zero*, fatty.

  Jerri Blank : [hurt]  Fatty?

• Jerri Blank : Greeks are just Jews without money!

• Jerri Blank : But my vagina's all... puffy.

• Jerri Blank : Do a lot of the people die of syphilis?

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

• Jerri Blank : Hey, why don't you paint me while I talk?

  Geoffrey Jellineck : [mumbling]  Well, I don't know...

  Jerri Blank : Should I remove my clothes?

  Geoffrey Jellineck : I don't think so.

  Jerri Blank : Are you sure?

  Geoffrey Jellineck : I'm positive.

  Jerri Blank : Why don't I remove my pants and panties?

• Jerri Blank : From now on, this violin is my whole life.

  Orlando Pinatubo : Hey, Jerri. Wanna go throw stuff off the overpass?

  Jerri Blank : Yeah.

  [holds up violin] 

  Jerri Blank : We can throw this.

• Jerri Blank : [to Tammi Littlenut]  Pee on me.

• Jerri Blank : Somebody's been drinking. I'm gonna name you Dizzy.

• Jerri Blank : I stole the TV.

• Jerri Blank : Number one- get your chubby chimp-claws off the copper-top.

• Sara Blank : I can stop whenever I want! That you don't believe me? Well, if you're such a good listener, why don't you watch this?

  [Pours bottles into the sink] 

  Sara Blank : say goodbye to my mixers.

  Jerri Blank : I guess she can stop.

• Jerri Blank : Just trying to keep the boulder in front of my love cave.

• Jerri Blank : Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Oh it's hard. Oh, Hard.

• Jerri Blank : [to Jellineck, in prison]  My asshole's is hungry, baby.

• Jerri Blank : You never really lose your parents, unless of course they die. And then they're gone forever.

• Jerri Blank : [to the Mt. Valley Rabid Dogs]  Suck my dick, you mangy dogs!

• Chuck Noblet : Dear Jerri... I am a certain someone who is in certain danger of having a certain terrible secret revealed by another certain someone. What should I do? Signed, In Certain Trouble.

  Jerri Blank : Hm, someone's gonna tell a secret... Dear Certain, dead men tell no tales. Wink wink!

• Jerri Blank : Well, you eat a lot.

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Jerri, I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. For instance, last night I ate half a strawberry cheesecake at 3 A.M. and I'll never gain an ounce, understand?... Great my onion rings are burned!

  Jerri Blank : Sorry

  Mr. Chuck Noblet : Sorry is not gonna make that golden brown ok... I'll never get this one back. You can't unfry things Jerri, you can't be something you're not.

• Jerri Blank : Protect me, Satan!