Eddie Izzard: Glorious (1997 Video)

Eddie Izzard: Self

Quotes 

• Eddie : Toasters! Toasters are good too. Like them, like toast. Hm. You've got a toaster there... But it's got a turney dial knob thing on the side - and it lies to us. It does not tell the truth! For it has numbers from one to six, and they lie!

• Eddie : When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!

• Eddie : Peter was the one who said "I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him." cock-a-doodle-doo "Oh, HIM!"

• [Depicting the end of the Trojan War] 

  Eddie : Goodbye! We give up! You win. We've left you a huge fuck off horse... as per usual.

• Eddie : I like my coffee like I like my women... in a plastic cup.

• Eddie : I like my women like I like my coffee... covered in beeees!

• Eddie : The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and funny hats.

• Eddie : The same people who make toasters make showers. For they have a turney button too that lies. For we all know turn turn turn turn for hot. Turn turn turn turn for cold. But the only position we're interested in is the position between there... and there. One nanomillimeter between fantastically hot, and fucking freezing.

• Eddie : If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!

• Eddie : This is your pilot speaking. Welcome to flight one from here to there. We'll be flying at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. My copilot today, is a flask of coffee.

• Eddie : Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?

• Eddie : A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?

• Eddie : I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

• Eddie : We built up empires. We stole countries, that's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags.

• Eddie : She

  [Queen Victoria] 

  Eddie : was one of our more frumpy queens. They're all frumpy, aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry!

• Eddie : There's only two positions in snowboarding. One is 'looking cool', and the second is 'dead'.

• Eddie : [on Steve McQueen in 'The Great Escape']  He romps out, jumps on a motorbike, knocks the guy off - whoom! Within fifteen minutes he's on the borders of Switzerland. This is from Poland! And if you don't know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, Bali, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, and then Switzerland.

• Eddie : My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. I want to walk in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this...

  [Runs screaming] 

  Eddie : AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!

• Eddie : What is, in fact, an evil giraffe?

• Eddie : Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Look, there's Rod Stewart in first class!"

• Eddie : Run! It's the clergy!

• Eddie : Eddie: And after a while Noah realized he was actually punching a baboon uhhuuhhuuhhu. Get off me!uhhuuhhuuhhu. Stop Hitting me! What do you have against Baboons I'm not punching a baboon im sawing wood for an arc. A likly story

• Eddie : Eddie:Izzz crazy... all the kids on vespas... no helmets... crazzy

• Eddie : I know one or two people have heckled, but I will kill you!