User Reviews

In the 80's, the era of the hack and slash movie was well and truly underway, thanks to the success of one Conan The Barbarian. Sad to say though that most of these blatant imitations were truly awful, as is the case with this abysmal effort from Italy.

To begin with there isn't really a plot at all, merely some utterly unconvincing fights set in the background of a misty forest. Oh, of course you get the usual nonsense about the father who died and his only son who grows up to avenge him, but that only becomes relevant in the last five minutes of the film. Most of the running time here is taken up with sweaty men grunting at each other ( there isn't much dialogue which is just as well: what there is is unbelievably badly dubbed and trite) looking more like failed WWF wrestlers than actors and romantic interludes in which our chum Thor splashes in the surf and rolls around in the hay with a busty female warrior who he was going to decapitate but then decides to spare the life of, especially as he finds out she can bear in his own words "the fruit of his loins." Nice thought, eh?

Other friends include a sorceror who can turn himself into an owl who decided to take Thor under his wing (ho ho) after his dads premature demise. He is pretty much ineffectual throughout most of the film, stopping only to spy on his adopted son's lovemaking and offering useless clues in prose as to what he should do next. Oh, he conjours up a horse for the final showdown and does his part to cure our hero of blindness, but you'd think with all the power at his disposal he'd be able to do a bit more then sit in a branch and talk gobble de gook. Then there's the bad guy who Thor is after who is another of those types who spurns the chance to kill his nemesis when presented with it, preferring instead to laugh manically and abuse our hero's bride-to-be. Safe to say that in the pantheon of villians, Hans Gruber and Darth Vader can sleep easy.

I've already wasted enough enough time on this waste of celluloid but just 2 more observations 1. The bombastic score that alternates between cheap action music during the fight scenes and slushy love tunes when our hero gets to show his mushy side is dreadful.. turn that stereo down and 2. The aforementioned final battle where the sorceror's horse manages to scare off 20 or so grunting extras without Thor having to lay a finger on them. Yes, we know they've never seen one before but a bit of an extreme reaction don't you think? And with that I bid you good day and remember: life is too short to waste on movies like this, go and read a good book or take your kids to the park, just leave it on the shelf!!

2/10

I really understand why many people hate this movie. Really everything here is crap, the "actors", the story, the buildings and the rest. Just some random scenes of stupid looking people who fight with swords and axes that look like they are made of cardboard. Especially dumb is one scene with some ghosts in a cave. This ghosts just appear to affright the hero, they do absolutely nothing and look like the figures in a low class fairground ghost train. All the other "deadly dangers" the hero has to face, are comparatively harmless too. There are so many funny mistakes, like a modern village in the background or a beach with countless footprints of tourists. To make a conclusion: I really recommend this movie to hard boiled trash movie lovers like me, that's the reason I gave it 5*. OK, there are better "masterworks", like the Ator movies, but with good friends and beer this one is great too. If you hate cheap trash movies, avoid this film at all costs.

The craze of making barbarian movies post-Conan the Barbarian had to feel like going back home for director Tonino Ricci, as he worked on the second unit on Thor and the Amazon Women all the way back in 1963, as well as other peblum movies such as Sword of the Conquerer, Erik the Conqueror and Taur, il re della forza bruta. You may also know him for the films he directed, like Kid il monello del west, Un omicidio perfetto a termine di legge, Rush, Panic and Encounters In the Deep.

Writer Tito Carpi wrote plenty of movies I've yelled with joy during, such as Marta, Tentacles, Warriors of the Wasteland and Sinbad of the Seven Seas.

Kind of taking a page out of the aforementioned Arnold movie - but not really - this starts with the death of Thor's parents. Sure, we see Gant The Annihilator (Angelo Ragusa) speaking with the owl wizard Etna (Christopher Holm) as Thor's mom squats him out behind a tree, but it's only minutes before the army of Gnut (Raf Falcone) kill everyone but the wizard and the baby as Gant's sword turns into a snake.

Thor grows up to be Bruno Minniti, who will grow up to be Rage and Rush. He has to find that sword to become the greatest chief of all time and to get there, he must become the most misogynist hero you've ever seen, repeatedly sleeping with women while his ghost owl magician adoptive father watches and yells stuff out and man, Italian movies.

One of those women, a virgin warrior named Sheeba (Maria Romano, Violence in a Women's Prison) ends up becoming his slave and then his wife after saving him and then bears Thor a child, so sometimes getting caveman dragged into lovemaking can be a meet cute, if we believe a 1983 Italian exploitation movie and we never should.

There's also Ina (Malisa Longo, who is also in Gunan, King of the Barbarians and was Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg), another virgin warrior that our hero who isn't a hero must battle.

In the final battle, Etna sends Thor an animal to help him and says, "In days to come, they will call this a horse" and I laughed so hard that even thinking about it now makes me laugh even more.

Before I start this review, I wanna let you know that this movie contains spoiler alerts, viewer discretion is advised. Thor the Conqueror is a 1983 Italian fantasy barbarian movie. It is yet another blatant Italian cash-in on Conan the Barbarian. The plot of this movie (if there's any at all) is about a boundless warrior seeking out revenge for the death of his father. He has some owl witch & a random woman to help on his quest for vengeance. Pros: -none at all Cons: -subpar special effects -bad acting -terrible English dub, as usual for these bad Italian movies -fights are gore-less and not that much blood in it -several plot holes -awful writing Overall, this is just yet another crappy Italian cash-in on Conan the Barbarian. I don't understand why these Italians love ripping off Conan so much. This movie gets a big fat 1, no wait, I'll give it a big FAT 0!

This is a strangely compelling movie to me. Thor, the title character, is supposedly "descended from the God of Thunder," but he has many, MANY setbacks along his path to fatherhood and...well, something.

First off, Thor's wig is complete garbage. I mean, seriously. Give us all a break. Why not do a weave or something? Just embarrassing. Regardless, this visual problem has nothing to do with the script. The script has its moments. ***SPOILERS*** Thor starts off as the beneficiary of his slain father's adviser, the bird-mage Etna (which means "screech owl" and explains his aviary obsession) who schools him in the wicked ways of the world. Along the road to manhood, Etna plays "Greek Chorus" to the movie and interacts with the viewer beyond the "Fourth Wall." Not that it does much good. Etna is also played by the actor Luigi Mezznotte who looks amazingly like Heavy Metal god Ronnie James Dio (and like Thom Christopher)!!!!

Along the way, Thor runs into a group of female virgin warriors who he rapidly kills and then rapes the last survivor (Ina, played by the gorgeous Maria Romano). This may be why some people do not like this movie. Nonetheless, the rape survivor is impregnated and Thor states that she will "give birth to the harvest that is children." Or something.

Anyway, Ina forgives Thor his transgression and serves as a deft partner to the murderer/rapist, even training the lame-o villagers who hail Thor as messianic figure only to turn their back on him in his ("His"?) hour of need. Thor's birdman buddy (again, Spoilers!) calls the Deity to help him out and Thor is back in action on his newly created animal (later to be known as a horse, in a segment that blew the minds of previous reviewers) with his old man's sword and gets two things: 1.) REVENGE! and 2.) a son by Ina, his raped/menaced/micro-agressioned/trigger-worded female consort.

Everybody is smiling and Thor planted some magic grain and it is the end.

Listen, you could do a heck of a lot worse than this movie. I consider it a relatively realistic slice of "Sword and Sandal" life. As ABBA once sang, "The Winner Takes It All" and while Thor the character loses more than he wins in this movie, in the end he takes the prize, and that -to these film-makers and to this reviewer-- is all that matters. Grandine Thor!!!!!! Bellissimo!