Hägar the Horrible (1989 TV Short)

Lainie Kazan: Helga

Quotes 

• Hägar : [Helga is cleaning and humming as Hagar comes home; she soon wipes one of the horns on his helmet, but Hagar shoves her away]  Helga! Will you stop cleaning and listen to me? I thought the problem was the Viking Academy and Olaf, but they're as good as ever. The problem is the kids, and how *you've* been bringing them up!

  Helga : Look, if you think you can do better, oh great wise one, be my guest.

  Hägar : All right, watch this.

  [calls Honi and Hamlet] 

  Hägar : Honi! Hamlet!

  Honi : Yeah, Dad?

  Hamlet : Whatcha want?

  Hägar : Look: you kids mean the world to me, but your mother's been letting you get away with murder. Well, it won't be that way now that *I'm* home. Honi, I forbid you to marry any man who can't meet Viking standards, so forget your engagement to that weird guy, Lute.

  Honi : Huh?

  Hägar : Hamlet, I forbid you to read any more books until you improve your Viking skills and the Viking Academy agrees to take you back.

  Hamlet : What?

  Hägar : We'll start working at it first thing tomorrow. Well, that's all.

  Hamlet : Gee!

  Honi : Aww!

  [they both leave, guilt-stricken] 

  Hägar : So, whaddya think?

  Helga : I wouldn't get my hopes up for Father's Day.

• Hägar : Well, I'm finding Honi a proper husband, and Hamlet showed real promise on the practice fields. In just one day, I think I have been able to undo *much* of the damage.

  Helga : Sounds like it.

• Helga : Did you talk to Hamlet?

  Hägar : Uh-huh.

  Helga : You feel better, right?

  Hägar : Well, we really done it.

  Helga : Done what?

  Hägar : Opened the floodgates, that's what. Pretty soon, there won't be any standards at all. Girls will be trying to marry guys with brain instead of brawn. Kids all over the world will be reading books and doing homework. Can you imagine what kind of society we'll have then? It all started here, and it's on our heads, Helga! Are you asleep yet?

  Helga : No, but after that speech of yours, I'm as surprised as you are.

  Hägar : Good. Could you finish reading this story to me? I can't wait to hear how it comes out.

  Helga : [kisses Hagar, then reads]  The tortoise crawled along so slowly, that before long, the hare was far, far ahead of him. "He'll never catch me," though the hare. "I think I'll take a little nap."