Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)

Steve Oedekerk: Chosen One

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chosen One : I'll take a pound of nuts.

  Shop Keeper : [yelling]  That's a lot of nuts! That'll be four bucks, baby! You want fries with that?

• Ling : But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I, I, I, I, I, I, I just can't. I won't! Whee-ooh!

  Chosen One : He wasn't at the restaurant, do you know where he is?

  Ling : No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. Whee-ooh!

  Chosen One : Look, Ling, those curly Qs in your hair make me so hot I can't think straight!

  Ling : You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?

  [Chosen One grabs her shoulders and is clearly yelling] 

  Chosen One : [calmly]  I implore you to reconsider.

  Ling : Hmmmmm, OK.

• [Chosen One kicks Wimp-Lo in the face. Wimp-Lo does a pose] 

  Wimp Lo : Ha! Face to foot style, how do you like it?

  Chosen One : I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is: this is Earth.

  Wimp Lo : Oh yeah? Then try my nuts to your fist style!

• [the intermission begins] 

  Master Betty : Go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda!

  Ling : I hope they have Icees!

  Chosen One : I have chosen the large tub.

  Wimp Lo : My nipples look like Milk Duds!

  Master Tang : I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy!

• Master Tang : I remember a long time ago, when a friend told me there would be a chosen one.

  [flashback to a younger Tang talking to Master Doe] 

  Master Doe : There will be a chosen one.

  Master Tang : He then told me of the significance.

  [flashback] 

  Master Doe : It will be significant.

  Master Tang : And then he killed the dog.

  [flashback, Master Doe closes his eyes, we hear a fart then a dog whimper] 

  Chosen One : I now officially know too much, and why are you in bed?

  Master Tang : Oh, you wouldn't believe what happened next...

  Chosen One : [flashback begins]  No wait, please!

  Master Tang : If you insist.

• Master Tang : [dying]  Chosen One, do I look all right?

  Chosen One : Yeah... sure.

  Master Tang : On a scale of one to ten?

  Chosen One : Hmmm, one.

  Master Tang : Listen, and listen well. I really like the band N-Sync. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo. If not there should be. I will write their next hit, maybe 'A boom-boom chiky chiky boom-boom a boom-boom chiky chaka chaka cho cho.' By the way, you must beware of Betty's iron claw. They are sharp, and they hurt. And beware his song about big butts, he beats people up while he plays it!

• Chosen One : Killing is wrong. And bad. There should be a new, stronger word for killing. Like badwrong, or badong. Yes, killing is badong. From this moment, I will stand for the opposite of killing: gnodab.

• Chosen One : [finds Dog dying]  Oh, it's okay, boy!

  [Dog rasps and dies] 

  Chosen One : No, it's not!

• Chosen One : But, isn't Betty a woman's name?

• Chosen One : You have helped me reach the next level. And here I was starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho bitch.

• Chosen One : His powers are greater than mine.

  Mu Shu Fasa : Yes, plus when you got hit with his iron claw you DID scream like a wussy.

• [the Chosen One is preparing to fight Master Betty; a man comes up to him] 

  Master Doe : Wait! You are not ready!

  Chosen One : Who are you?

  Master Doe : Ling's father! Whee-oh-whee-oh-whee-oh-whee!

  Chosen One : Oh, dear.

• Wimp Lo : Take a close look. 'Cause I rule, baby.

  Chosen One : And who do you rule, the large-dark-nipple people?

• Chosen One : [picking up two gophers and connecting them with cloth]  I need gopher-chucks!

• Chosen One : Master Tang, I have traveled many miles to meet you.

  Master Tang : How many miles? Would you say 10 million?

• Master Betty : That's right! The Evil Council are *aliens*!

  [speaker comes out of Council ship and plays French music] 

  Chosen One : They're French.

  Master Betty : Ha, ha! Stinky pits and all, baby!

• Chosen One : Thank you, squirrel friend. Your soft, cushy body helped absorb the force of his blow.

• Chosen One : I... will... not... be stopped... by a tiny little net.

  [film starts running in reverse] 

  Chosen One : Just reverse the capture method, and yeah!

• Ling : Please, stop. Wimp Lo sucks as a fighter, a child could beat him.

  Chosen One : Well, I'm gonna count to three, and if I hear one more friggin' squeak, I'm gonna take his shoes, and shove em' up his...

• Chosen One : But that would just look stupid and leave my small, sensitive balls completely exposed.