Death to Smoochy (2002)

Edward Norton: Sheldon Mopes, Smoochy the Rhino

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sheldon : Burke, I can't accept this.

  Burke : No?

  Sheldon : I never owned a gun. I don't believe in them.

  Burke : Really?

  Sheldon : When I was a kid and my brothers and I played Cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

• Sheldon : [singing]  He slams the door He stomps his feet He sends me to bed with zilch to eat But my stepdad's not mean he's just adjusting.

• Sheldon : I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!

  Nora : They all have views, you dumb shit!

  Sheldon : Not looking this way, cupcake!

• Sheldon : You just fucked with the wrong rhino!

• Sheldon : So remember kids, a stepdad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings. But remember - if he is ever abusive to you or mommy, what are the magic numbers?

  Kids : 9-1-1!

  Sheldon : Thaaaaaaat's right!

• Sheldon : You can't change the world but you can make a dent.

• Burke : It's all about the dough, Shel. Once you get the money, you get the power. Once you get the power, you can have Smoochy walk out there with a dildo strapped to his head if you want.

  Sheldon : [long pause]  I don't think I've thought of that idea specifically, but I? I do see where you're going with this.

• Sheldon : You try not to hurt anyone Roy... What would Jesus do?

• Burke : This is the high life, Sheldon. You gotta get used to this. Pretty soon you're gonna be pissin' on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin's face!

  Sheldon : I don't think I could ever do that. I have much too much respect for what that man accomplished.

• Randolph : Didn't she tell you of the love we once had. Passionate yet tender, old-fashioned yet experimental.

  Sheldon : Randolph, you have lost your mind.

  Randolph : Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?

  Sheldon : Hey, watch your mouth mister!

  Nora : What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.

  Randolph : Please, it's small but, it's fierce!

• Spinner Dunn : My name is Moochy.

  Sheldon : I think we've established that.

  Spinner Dunn : Sheldon this costume is making my nuts itch.

• [Tommy Kotter is at a funeral after Spinner Dunn was murdered] 

  Tommy : Don't forget, this hit was meant for you, Shel. So from now on, wherever you go, we go.

  Sheldon : I'll be fine.

  Tommy : Fine nothing! As Christ is my witness, no one is touching a hair on your fucking head! Spinner would have wanted it that way. Okay boys, let's all pray and get shit-faced.

• Sheldon : Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.

• Tommy : Sometimes in this life, a man's gotta answer for his indiscretions!

  [the scene transitions to when the mob had Merv Green tied to a chair] 

  Merv Green : It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I was just trying to help the children!

  Tommy : Oh, so you like kids, eh?

  Merv Green : Oh, sure!

  Tommy : Oh, then I bet you know some fairy tales then.

  Merv Green : Yeah!

  Tommy : Hey, Danny, tell him the one about the worthless prick that gets his head chopped off with an axe!

  Merv Green : [Danny pulls out an axe and approaches him]  No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!

  [You see a shadow of Danny lowering the axe at Merv Green and transitions back to now where Sheldon looks horrified] 

  Sheldon : I don't think I feel so good about this all of a sudden, Tommy.

  Danny : Then we took his head and played a little...

  Sheldon : Okay, that's... way more information than I'd like to have at this point, thanks.

• Bartender : I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.

  Sheldon : Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast off time.

• Sheldon : Has anyone ever suggested that maybe a little yoga, maybe a high colonic or two could loosen you up a lot?

• Tommy : This I guarantee: That fuckin' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.

  Sheldon : Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.

  Roy : Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.

• Randolph : He's a pillow-biter, you know.

  Sheldon : I wouldn't know anything about his sleeping disorders.

• Randolph : What about Wally the Whale?

  Sheldon : Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?

  Randolph : There she blows!

  Sheldon : I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.

  Nora : Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.

• Nora : I'm telling you, Stokes cut some kind of deal with Buggy for the Smoochy slot

  Sheldon : Wait a minute, Buggy Ding-Dong? The host of "Buggy's Bumpy Railroad"?

  Nora : Yeah, until he discovered the joys of Turkish black mule heroin.

  Sheldon : That doesn't make any sense. Why would Stokes want to replace Smoochy with some smack addict?

  Nora : I don't know.

  Sheldon : Oh, man. Someone toss me a beach towel, cause my head is swimmin'!

• Sheldon : Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the rickety rackety, it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.

• Sheldon : Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and... poke either of you.

• Sheldon : Don't talk to me like that, I am not your puppet.

• Sheldon : Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!

• Sheldon : You work for Kidnet? Are you serious?

  Nora : As a heart attack.

• Sheldon : You don't get to tell this boy what to do any more, you uptight... I'm gonna halt here. I don't know if you're familiar with HALT. It's a self recognition technique - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. That's you Nora. And I'm not getting sucked into your negative energy.