Grand Theft Auto III (2001 Video Game)
Lazlow: Self (Host of Chatterbox), Cab Driver, Young Business Man, FBI Member, Self, House of Tomorrow Commercial, Equinox Commercial
Quotes
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Caller : I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!
Lazlow : Sir, this is a commercial radio station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary.
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Caller : I say spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from wrong.
Lazlow : So you think that teaching kids from an early age that violence is the solution to problems will make them valuable members of our society.
Caller : Exactly!
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Caller : Liberty City was great before phones ruined everything.
Lazlow : Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and three houses when the telephone was invented!
Caller : Liar!
Lazlow : You're the liar!
Caller : Liar liar, pants on fire!
Lazlow : What are you-are you-are you three years old?
Caller : Lazlow's a liar! Lazlow's a liar! I bet that isn't even your real name!
Lazlow : Shut up!
Caller : You shut up!
Lazlow : Stupid!
Caller : Nany nany booboo, stick your head in doo-doo!
Lazlow : Eugh, we're going to commercials.
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Maria : You broadcasters are all the same, aren't you, I mean I heard about you, you're always out on boys nights!
Lazlow : Whoa, Whoa what are you talking about, I'm married!
Maria : One of those convenience jobs to protect you, I bet? I know what you're all like! You know more about men than I know about leopard-skin furniture!
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[Reed Tucker is about to destroy a desk live on Chatterbox]
Lazlow : This desk is made of 2-inch thick composite wood and has a mahogany venear finish. It has three drawers and knowing this station, it cost $100. In his own words, Reed Tucker is about to smash it into two half desks. Take it away, Reeve.
Reed Tucker : Ladies and gentlemen, I've already visualized the desk in two half desks, and now I shall make it so... dragon stance... hii-YA! Ohhh, ow, oh Lazlow, Lazlow, I think I hurt my hand... my pinky's all bent the wrong way.
Lazlow : [mocking Reed] Listen, Karate Kid. The desk is still in one piece. Thanks for coming on the show!
Reed Tucker : Okay, Lazlow, mockery will get you nowhere. I think I might hit you now.
Lazlow : [mocking Reed] Oh, I bruise easily! Don't throw any tofu's or bean curds at me!
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Freddy : When I was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict, Lazlow.
[...]
Lazlow : How old is your son?
Freddy : Excuse me?
Lazlow : How old is your son?
Freddy : I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats! But Freddy needs a nanny...
Lazlow : Alright, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green card?
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Caller : Countries that don't have guns aint American!
Lazlow : You're right, countries that don't have guns aren't American...
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Reed Tucker : Our ancestors didn't eat chicken wings, they lived at one with nature and their eco-system. Existing on a diet of nuts, berries and leafy vegetables.
Lazlow : Yeah, and they threw stones at their own shadow and died of old age and fear at twenty-four!
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Caller : These kids don't respect veterans, we fought for your freedom! When I came back from the Australian-American War, I didn't get a heroes welcome... I didn't get a pack on the back from my friends and neighbors saying 'thanks for fighting for our freedom James!' After years of fighting in the trenches, I come back here and everyone's watching TV!
Lazlow : Now, can you tell me what this Australian-American war was... I never really heard of it!
Caller : God, not another one! Have you read a history book lately son? The Australian-American war the was the biggest war since the big one! I tell ya, I didn't do two tours and take boomerang shrapnel in my head to come back here and have a bunch of hippies deny our history! Those Aussies are ruthless! They even wired kangaroos with explosives... come hopping in the camp and knock out ten guys!
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Caller : Wow, I got through! Uh, Lazlow, I think your last two callers are a perfect example of manners in this city! People are rude, and they don't seem to care about anything but themselves. Perfect example: the other day, I stopped at the store to pick up an exercise bar because I hadn't had breakfast or lunch. So I go up to pay, and the lady's like, "A dollar twenty-five please." So I get out my checkbook, and this guy behind me is like, "Oh come on lady, you don't have two dollars?" And I said, "As a matter of fact, I don't! I spent my last two dollars last night buying gas at these ridiculous gas prices. And besides, who are you anyway? Can't you see that I'm wearing my 'I walked for the cure' T-shirt?" People are so inconsiderate!
Lazlow : Well, you'll get no argument from me. I mean, I get every inconsiderate moron in Liberty City calling into this show. I mean, people think that I have no feelings what-so-ever!
Caller : Exactly! Another perfect example: the other day I'm over at the hospital to have my lunch with my girl friend Cherice, and this maniac comes right up on my bumper, flashing his lights, and I'm like, "Hey guy, the light is red, you can't just come up behind me honking and flashing your lights!" Then he gets over this megaphone and says, "To the woman in the teal Maibatsu Monstrosity, please move to the side!" Can you believe it? I mean, who has a megaphone hooked into their car? People are sooo obnoxious these days! And rude! I mean, I tell my nanny to teach my kids some manners.
Lazlow : You know, I think that's a lesson to us all! All right, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox.
Freddy : Hello Lazlow...
Lazlow : ...ugh...
Freddy : ...did that woman say she was a nanny? Because Freddy needs a nanny because he's been a very naughty boy...
Lazlow : *Nooo, no nannies*!
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Lazlow Jones : Get off! Get lost, you're just a cheap pimp from upstate get out of my studio!
Fernando Martinez : I saved your daddy! I saved your husband! It is a miracle
Lazlow Jones : Get out of here!
Fernando Martinez : IT'S A MIRACLE!
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Lazlow Jones : Well Toni...
Toni : Toni? How did you know my name was Toni? Are you tracing this call, because if you are, you're gonna become real intimately acquainted with- what your brains look like. My name ain't Toni, okay?
Lazlow Jones : Alright.
Toni : But my mom she keeps goin, Toni, Toni be a real man stand up for yourself don't take no shit! But all I wanna do is to be a good son and show that she cares for me, show that she loves me, and you know, say I was a good kid but it seems like nothings ever good enough for her you know what I mean? What do I do?
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Cab Driver : Are you talkin' to me?
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Caller : I'm promoting my organization, Citizens Raging Against Phones.
Lazlow : Crap? Your organization is called CRAP? How many people are there in this crap?
Caller : Citizens are raging against phones!
Lazlow : How many people?
Caller : There are three of us. It's hard organizing meeting without the phone. We've had to resort to carrier pigeons and they keep disappearing.
Lazlow : Wait a minute, you want to stop people from using the phone? But you're calling up on a phone to tell the world about it!
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[Lazlow finishes a conversation with a caller on Chatterbox]
Lazlow : This is really going nowhere. Do you have anything else to say?
Caller : Yes...
[yells]
Caller : Free Kevin!
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Lazlow : Belief in what, I mean, look Jeff, I... I admire your passion, really I do, but... what will people be marching for? Wh... what's your rally about?
Jeff : It's about justice, Mr. Low! A chance to shine and make a difference.
[...]
Jeff : Look... look, do you wanna help or not?
Lazlow : I don't know what I'm helping!
Jeff : You're helping America! What kind of patriot are you? It's a rally!
Lazlow : You don't know what it's for, do you?
Jeff : It's for hope. Please come, everybody! It'll be real good!
Lazlow : Alright, you fight the power, brother!
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Lazlow Jones : What? Hanging out with loads of naked chicks? I mean I see the fun in it, but... I just think that clothes have distinct advantages. Like... like not accidentally cooking yourself, or... or when you're working on a building.
Naked Man on Chatterbox : We're not swingers! It's not about sex! It's about being one with the world.
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[repeated line]
Lazlow : What are you talking about?
