- [after seeing footage about the CBC's methods of indoctrination]
- Susan Clark: [clearly under duress] The G... Government organization that made my whole c... career in California possible was... unquestionably... M... Mother CBC.
- Martin Short: We all used to have pet names for the CBC. I just used to call it... Papa.
- Alan Thicke: Well, the CBC was a great opportunity for me. It's the best training ground in the World.
- [Eugene Levy claims Leslie Nielsen called him and convinced him to stay in the US despite his homesickness for Canada]
- Leslie Nielsen: I called him and told HIM not to leave? I'll tell you something. If I had ever called him for any reason, I'd be calling him to tell him TO LEAVE! And that's the truth of it so you know I'm not lying.
- [Eugene Levy's interview has wrapped]
- Eugene Levy: I'm sorry, America.
- Eugene Levy: Hey, no hard feelings, eh?
- [giggles]
- Narrator: What about 60 Minutes? Why haven't it's *hard hitting* news stories hit *hard* at the Canadian Conspiracy?
- American Reporter: [interrogation in "60 Minutes" style] Mr. Safer, where were you born? What have you got to hide? Have you EVER heard of Lorne Greene?
- Morley Safer: No comment. I don't know anything about any of this.
- American Reporter: What do you know about the Canadian Conspiracy?
- Morley Safer: Canadian Conspiracy. NO COMMENT!
- American Reporter: Mr. Safer. Mr. Safe... MISTER SAFER! We know you're friends with Lorne Greene! Bonanza!
- [on whose side she would take]
- Anne Murray: If America went to war with Canada? I'd have to go with Canada.
- [after CBS cancelled The Smother's Brothers and Canadian comedian David Steinberg was blamed]
- Narrator: CBS Executives argued that comedy shows had no business poking fun at the Supreme Being. But Trudeau stated privately that he could take a joke as well as the next guy. For Pierre Elliot Trudeau however, the cancellation of The Smother's Brothers was *no laughing matter*.
- Canadian Reporter: Mister Prime Minister, how do you plan to get back at CBS?
- Pierre Trudeau: Just watch me.
- Narrator: For three long days and nights, Eugene Levy testified against the Canadian Conspiracy. In exchange for this in-depth interview, Levy demanded police protection, full amnesty from prosecution and a five-picture deal with a major Hollywood studio.
- John Candy: Eugene Levy? I don't know anybody named Eugene Levy.
- Leslie Nielsen: Eugene Levy? No!
- Anne Murray: I don't know Eugene Levy at all.
- Dave Thomas: If Candy says he doesn't know him, that's good enough for me. I don't know him either. Sorry, pal.
- Eugene Levy: What can I say? Leslie Nielsen is LYING!
- Leslie Nielsen: I did not call Eugene Levy, whoever he may be.
- Eugene Levy: He did.
- Leslie Nielsen: I didn't.
- Eugene Levy: He did.
- Leslie Nielsen: I didn't.
- Eugene Levy: DID!
- Leslie Nielsen: Didn't.
- Eugene Levy: DID!
- Leslie Nielsen: Didn't.
- Eugene Levy: DID!
- Leslie Nielsen: Didn't.
- [pause]
- Leslie Nielsen: I never called him.
- Eugene Levy: Well, he's a big fat liar.
- [speaking out as a concerned citizen]
- Steve Martin: And what about Morley Safer? A Canadian. That's right! A *Canadian*! Why is a Canadian doing a job that an American can do just as well?
- Lorne Greene: There's no connection whatsoever between Lorne Green and Green Card.
- Anne Murray: Well, there *has* to be a connection between Lorne Green and the Green Card. Because all the people I know who have Green Cards know Lorne Greene.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: In 1952, Rollo Martins, a junior clerk at U.S. Immigration, uncovered a foreign conspracy aimed straight at the heart of America.
- Rollo Martins: [on a TV show] We're up against an organization, so ruthless and so powerful, it's a wonder we're still alive to talk about it!
- American TV Moderator: What have you found?
- Rollo Martins: I've discovered a plot by international spies who will stop at nothing!
- Narrator: But America wouldn't listen. For 34 years, Rollo Martins actively continued his investigation, and has arrived at this astonishing conclusion...
- Rollo Martins: [in a psychiatric hospital, wearing a straightjacket] We're up against an organization, so ruthless and so powerful, it's a wonder we're still alive to talk about it!
- Narrator: Rollo Martins, the first American victim of the Canadian Conspiracy!
- Narrator: WHAT is Leslie Nielsen hiding from the American public?
- American: What's going on? We have a right to know the truth!
- Leslie Nielsen: All right, I'm going to level with you all. The most important thing is that you remain *calm*. There is *no reason* to panic.
- [as he continues speaking, his nose continues to grow]
- Narrator: WHO is Leslie Nielsen trying to PROTECT?
- [cut to Eric Nielsen, Deputy Prime Minister of Canada and Minister of Defence]
- Leslie Nielsen: Uh, I don't think so. Any connection between my brother, the Minister of Defence, and the success I've had here in America. No connection, at all.
- [about Lorne Michaels' first marriage]
- Narrator: In 1965, Lorne marries fellow comedy writer Rosie Shuster. *Rosie Shuster*! Only daughter of comedian Frank Shuster. True love, or *True North Strong and Free*?
- Anne Murray: [after hearing "Snowbird" backwards] "The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming! Surrender peacefully, you will not be harmed!" You hear that when you play Snowbird back, backwards. Well, I've never listened to Snowbird backwards. I think that would be a waste of time.
- Dave Thomas: Who is this guy, Jean Leavee? I don't know him!
- Eugene Levy: Dave said he doesn't know me? You just don't understand the Canadian sense of humour. 'Cause that's all it is.
- Eugene Levy: [beat] Why he would say he doesn't know me? I know him, known him for years, went to school with him. Worked with him. I know his family. He knows my family.
- Dave Thomas: At McMaster, we all just kinda rolled together. It was a complete accident. You know, Henning, Reitman, Short, Levy...
- [dramatic music]
- Dave Thomas: Oh, you guys are good. You're very, very good. I *heard* Levy was there, but I never *met* him!
- [Chong and his wife are being hounded by American news media]
- Tommy Chong: There's *no such thing* as a conspiracy! I'm sick of all these questions!
- American Reporter: Who's that woman? *Who is that woman*? Is she *Canadian* too?
- Narrator: Why have *none* of the American major news networks covered *any* major news story on the Canadian Conspiracy? Perhaps the host of ABC Nightly News has the answer!
- [cut to Peter Jennings, his true nationality exposed]
- Pierre Trudeau: The world of tomorrow belongs to those who build the world of tomorrow.
- Rick Moranis: Hit it!
- Dave Thomas: Coo-lookoo-coo-lookookoo
- Rick Moranis: He's in tune, eh.
- Dave Thomas: Coo-lookoo-coo-lookookoo
- [cut to hoser parades all across Canada with people doing the loon call and dressing like hosers]
- Narrator: Is this what OUR world of tomorrow is going to look like?