Scary Movie 3 (2003)

Charlie Sheen: Tom

Photos 

Quotes 

• George : I have a dream.

  Tom : What is your dream?

  George : To have a dream.

• George : Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.

  Tom : Oh. I better tell her.

  George : No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?

  Sue : Yes?

  George : You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?

  Sue : Yeah.

  George : She's dead!

  Sue : Aah!

  George : Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!

  Sue : My dog's dead?

  George : I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!

• Annie : Promise me you'll never remarry.

  Tom : I promise.

  Annie : And no sex, either.

  Tom : I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.

  Annie : No sex.

  Tom : Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.

  Annie : No sex.

  Tom : Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.

  Annie : [shouts]  No sex!

  Tom : Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.

  Annie : Oh, Jesus.

  Tom : That's right, honey. Go into the light.

  Annie : Look! Just tell George, swing away.

  Tom : Right. Swing away.

  Annie : Oh, sure. That you understand.

  [Gasps and dies] 

• Alien #1 : Wait please, we mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil little girl. We must destroy her before seven days.

  George : You mean... You watched the video tape?

  Alien #1 : Our satellite caught up what we thought was Pootie Tang, that was a week ago. And now our entire race will die, unless the girl is destroyed.

  Tom : Aw, you see, they are peaceful.

  Mahalik : If they so peaceful, man, why were they choking us a few minutes ago?

  Alien #1 : Oh... that's how we say hello.

  George : Well how do you guys say goodbye?

  [an alien kicks George in the groin] 

  George : [in pain]  I had to ask.

• Tom : [opening door]  Sue?

  Sue : I can't sleep.

  Tom : Well, it's way past your bedtime.

  Sue : Won't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms? There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night. You don't need to wear pajamas.

  Tom : Where is my daughter?

  Sue : Are you mad? I am your daughter.

  Tom : No you're not.

  [removes dress from daughter revealing it is really Michael Jackson] 

• U-God : You stepped on my shoe, bitch!

  Redman : Man, call me a bitch again and I'll park your truck... dead in yo ass!

  Macy Gray : DAMN, HOMEY!

  CJ : [to the rappers]  Hey yo, they comin! Over here!

  RZA : If I was you, son, I'd bust this shit right now!

  Method Man : Yo Momma!

  U-God : I got your number too, homey.

  Master P : He ain't gonna bust nuthin. I got nuts bigger than him.

  RZA : Oh, yeah? I'll roll up on you too... you country ass maple syrup biscuit eatin' nigga!

  Master P : Ya'll want some biscuits? You want some biscuits?

  [a shootout happens between all the gangster rappers; Macy Gray fires a rocket launcher killing all of them and herself] 

  Tom : I cannot believe what just happened!

  President Harris : These men all died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

• Trooper Champlin : It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.

  Tom : Annie?

  Trooper Champlin : She was hit by a truck and she's pinned against a tree.

  Tom : I don't understand.

  Trooper Champlin : As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.

  Tom : I still don't get it.

  Trooper Champlin : [shows Tom hot dog]  This... is your wife.

  [breaks hot dog in half] 

  Tom : She broke her wiener?

• Trooper Champlin : Your faith will return. Just as sure as the sun will rise.

  Tom : Sounds like a long shot.

• Sayaman : I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jaegermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker.

  Tom : Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.

  Sayaman : I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.

• Tom : [while in front of the door]  Quick, we can get that plank of wood to jam underneath the door.

  [is hit in the balls by the plank of wood] 

  Tom : [in pain]  Oh, my balls.

  [George gives bowling balls to Tom and is hit in the balls again] 

  Tom : [in pain]  No, not those! Jesus!

  Tom : [Jesus is being bought to him, but Tom pushes George away]  NO!

• Tom : Come here! What did you do with Sue?

  MJ : I didn't touch her, I swear!

  Tom : I don't believe you!

  MJ : Please, for God's sake! She's a girl!

• Tom : I want to see Annie.

  Trooper Champlin : She's split in half.

  Tom : You mean like down-the-middle in half?

  [Holds up a sandwich and separates its halves] 

  Trooper Champlin : At the waist.

  Tom : You mean this is the last time I can talk to the top half?

  Trooper Champlin : Yes. The truck is the only thing that is holding her together.

  Tom : Let's say this is her bottom half.

  [Holds up a doughnut] 

  Tom : Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?

  Trooper Champlin : I'm not sure what you mean.

  Tom : Let me explain.

  [Holds up a sausage] 

• Tom : [wife has been severed by car]  Hi, baby.

  Annie : Honey, I'm dying.

  Tom : No, don't talk like that, the truck barely hit you.

• [Holding Michael Jackson From Window] 

  Tom : How do you like it?

• Tom : Don't call me "dude". I haven't been a stoner since...

  [Mexican music plays] 

• Tom : George, all you've done is chase adolescent fantasies. "I want to be an astronaut. A cowboy. Gynecologist to the stars."