The Cooler (2003)

Alec Baldwin: Shelly Kaplow

Photos 

Quotes 

• Shelly Kaplow : [about the Vegas strip]  What? You mean that Disneyland mookfest out there? Huh? Come on, you know what that is? Huh? That's a fucking violation is what that is. Something that used to be beautiful, used to have class, like a gorgeous high-priced hooker with an exclusive clientele. Then along comes that Steve Wynn cocksucker and knocks her up and puts her in a fucking family way. Now she's nothing but a cheap, fat whore hiding behind too much fucking make-up. I look at her and see all her fucking stretch marks, it makes me want to cry - because I remember the way she used to be.

• Shelly : Lootz is kryptonite on a stick.

• [beating up Larry in the bathroom] 

  Shelly Kaplow : Now listen to me, you little Harvard turd. Lootz is all right, so he's walking out of here with everything he's got coming to him. If you so much as touch one fucking hair on his fucking head, I'm gonna fucking wallpaper this fucking bathroom with your fucking ass, do you understand me? Muted tones, isn't that what you said, huh? Huh? I can't hear you. Wait, wait a minute. There it is. Blended in, at a subsonic level, like some kind of mantra: "Pain, pain, pain."

  [breaks Larry's wrist] 

• Shelly : Who's talking about a movie?

  Shelly : This is not a movie.

  Shelly : This is my fucking life.

• Shelly Kaplow : You are out of his life, before he even gets home. Don't even tell him to his face. Leave him a note. I'm gonna make some calls, and you are gonna be situated at another joint.

  Natalie : I don't think I can do that, Shell.

  Shelly Kaplow : Excuse me?

  Natalie : [louder]  I said "I don't think I can do that, Shell." It wasn't an act. I meant it.

  Shelly Kaplow : You love him?

  Natalie : Yeah. I love the schmuck.

  Shelly Kaplow : What the fuck is there to love? He's a loser. Always has been, always will be. I thought you were a smart cookie when I picked you out. You do not want to fuck with me. Because if you do, your next john is going to be a fucking rattlesnake in the fucking desert. Do you understand me?

• Shelly Kaplow : Jesus, Bernie, is that what you think? That I would fuck with your happiness? That hurts me.

• Shelly : I can make you disappear like *that*! And not one fucking person would miss you! Not one fucking person!

  Natalie : Bernie would! He loves me. He loves me, and that kills you, doesn't it, Shelly?

• Shelly Kaplow : Jesus Christ, that's such a fucking touching speech, Bernie! All that Jimmy Stewart bullshit? I've got such a lump in my throat I can't tell you.

• Shelly Kaplow : You want to tell me what's going on out there?

  Bernie : I don't know.

  Shelly Kaplow : What do you mean you don't know? We're down almost a mil out there. Doesn't that seem strange to you?

  Bernie : I guess I'm having an off day.

  Shelly Kaplow : No, no, no. You don't have off days, Lootz. You're shitty luck incarnate.