Madagascar (2005)
David Schwimmer: Melman
Photos
Quotes
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Melman the Giraffe : [Melman presents Marty with a gift-wrapped thermometer]
Marty the Zebra : Aw a thermometer! Thanks! I love it Melman, I love it!
[he puts it in his mouth and poses]
Melman the Giraffe : I really wanted to give you a personal present. Do you know that was my first rectal thermometer?
Marty the Zebra : Motherf...
[Marty spits it out and retches]
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Alex the Lion : [shouts] You maniac! You burned it up! Darn you! Darn you all to heck!
Melman the Giraffe : Can we go to the fun side now?
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Melman the Giraffe : [shouts] Ahhhhh! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!
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Alex the Lion : Come on! What does Connecticut have to offer us?
Melman the Giraffe : Lyme disease.
Alex the Lion : Thank you, Melman.
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Melman the Giraffe : Augh! Underpants!
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[on the subway, Alex roars at a guy hiding behind a newspaper]
Alex the Lion : Augh! Knicks lost again!
Melman the Giraffe : Eh. Whatcha gonna do?
Train conductor : [over PA] Grand Central Station.
Alex the Lion : Did he just say "Grand Central Station," or "My aunt's constipation"?
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Gloria the Hippo : Aww, you poor little baby, did that big mean lion scare you?
Mort the Mouse Lemur : Mm-hmm.
Gloria the Hippo : He did? He's a big fat old puddy-tat, isn't he?
Mort the Mouse Lemur : [gurgling and lifting arms up to be picked up]
Gloria the Hippo : Come on, mama hold you. Awww!
Melman the Giraffe : They are so cute from a reasonable distance.
Gloria the Hippo : Look at you! Aren't you the sweetest thing... aww I just wanna dunk him in my coffee!
Mort the Mouse Lemur : [giggling cutely]
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Alex the Lion : The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst idea I have ever heard!
Melman the Giraffe : It's unsanitary!
Marty the Zebra : The penguins are going, so why can't I?
Alex the Lion : The penguins are psychotic!
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Melman the Giraffe : It's getting late. I guess I'm gonna...
[starts snoring]
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Gloria the Hippo : Okay, let's make a good impression on the people. Smiles, everyone. Let's get it together.
[to Melman]
Gloria the Hippo : Is that the best you can do, Melman?
Melman the Giraffe : Oh, I'm not smiling. It's gas.
Gloria the Hippo : Okay, well, great. Let's make gas look good.
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Gloria the Hippo : Melman! Are you okay?
Melman the Giraffe : Yeah. I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI.
Alex the Lion : Melman, you're not getting an MRI.
Melman the Giraffe : CAT scan?
Alex the Lion : No! No CAT scan! It's a transfer! It's a zoo transfer!
Melman the Giraffe : Zoo transfer? Oh, no. No, no. I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at five. There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am NOT going HMO!
Marty the Zebra : Take it easy, Melman. We are gonna be o-kizzay.
Alex the Lion : No, we're not gonna be o-kizzay! Because of you, we're ruined!
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Marty the Zebra : [about King Julian] He's got style.
Alex the Lion : What is he, like, king of the guinea pigs?
Melman the Giraffe : I think it's a squirrel.
Julian : Welcome, giant pansies. Please feel free to bask in my glow.
Alex the Lion : Definitely a squirrel.
Melman the Giraffe : Yep, a squirrel.
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Gloria the Hippo : Does anyone else feel nauseous?
Melman the Giraffe : I feel nauseous.
Alex the Lion : Melman, you always feel nauseous.
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[singing]
Alex the Lion : Happy...
Gloria the Hippo : Birth...
Melman the Giraffe : Day...
Alex the Lion : To...
Gloria the Hippo : You...
Alex the Lion : You...
Melman the Giraffe : Live...
Gloria the Hippo : In...
Alex the Lion : A zoo...
Gloria the Hippo : You...
Melman the Giraffe : Look...
Alex the Lion : Like a monkey...
Melman the Giraffe : And...
Alex the Lion : You smell...
Gloria the Hippo : Like...
[all together]
Alex the Lion , Melman the Giraffe , Gloria the Hippo : One too!
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Alex the Lion : Come on! Melman, Melman, Melman! Melman, Melman, Melman! Wake up! Rise and shine! It's another fabulous day in the Big Apple. Let's go.
Melman the Giraffe : Not for me. I'm calling in sick.
Alex the Lion : What?
Melman the Giraffe : I found a bro... another brown spot on my shoulder, right here. See? Right th... right there. You see?
Alex the Lion : Melman, you know it's all in your head. Hm?
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Melman the Giraffe : San Diego.
Gloria the Hippo : San Diego?
Melman the Giraffe : White, sandy beaches; cleverly simulated natural environment; wide-open enclosures. I'm telling you, this could be the San Diego Zoo. Complete with fake rocks.
[Taps on a rock]
Melman the Giraffe : Wow, that looks real.
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Melman the Giraffe : Hey! Hey, you guys! That room has some nifty little sinks we can wash up in, and look!
[Takes urinal cake out of mouth]
Melman the Giraffe : Free mints!
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Gloria the Hippo : What kind of zoo is this?
Melman the Giraffe : I just saw twenty-six blatant health code violations.
Marty the Zebra : I'm loving San Diego. This place is off the chizain.
Melman the Giraffe : Twenty-seven.
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Gloria the Hippo : Come on, we are New Yorkers, right?
Marty the Zebra : Yeah.
Gloria the Hippo : We're tough! We're gritty!
Marty the Zebra : Yeah!
Gloria the Hippo : We're adaptable!
Melman the Giraffe : Yeah!
Gloria the Hippo : And we are not gonna lay down like a bunch of Melmans!
Melman the Giraffe : No, we're not!
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Alex the Lion : How's the liberty fire going, Melman?
Melman the Giraffe : Great.
[in hushed voice]
Melman the Giraffe : Idiot.
Alex the Lion : I heard that.
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Julian : Wait! I have a plan.
Maurice : Really?
Julian : I have devised a cunning test to see whether these are savage killers.
[Julian kicks Mort out in the open]
Marty the Zebra : Hi there!
Alex the Lion : No, I will handle this. Alex handles it. Marty says nothing.
[approaches the frightened Mort]
Alex the Lion : Hi there!
[Mort starts to cry]
Alex the Lion : Oh, geez!
Melman the Giraffe : Oh, Alex. What did you do?
Alex the Lion : No, it's okay, it's okay. I'm just a silly, just a silly lion.
[Mort cries louder]
Alex the Lion : Oh, jeez!
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Melman the Giraffe : [has dug himself a grave and written his last will and testament on the sand] And so, as I have been left to die on this forsaken island, I, Melman Mankiewicz, being of sound mind and unsound body, have divided my possessions equally among the three of you.
[a wave washes away one third of the will]
Melman the Giraffe : Oh, sorry, Alex.
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Melman the Giraffe : Guys, we're running out of time!
Gloria the Hippo : Melman, you broke their clock?
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Gloria the Hippo : Lets, go. Make a wish babycakes.
[Marty blows out the candle and eats a chunk out of his birthday cake]
Alex the Lion : Come on, what you wish for?
Marty the Zebra : Nope! Can't tell you that.
Alex the Lion : Come on, tell.
Alex the Lion : No siree. I'm telling you'a, its bad luck. You want some bad luck, I'll blab it out, But if you want to be safe, I'll keep my mouth shut.
Gloria the Hippo : [interrupting] Could you just tell us? I mean, really. What could happen?
Marty the Zebra : Okay. I wish I could go... To the wild!
Alex the Lion : The wild?
[After Marty says this, Alex falls off the wall, Melman chokes himself and Gloria opens her mouth in shock]
Marty the Zebra : I told you it was bad luck.
[Gloria tries to stop Melman from choking]
Alex the Lion : The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst ideal I've ever heard.
[Melman spits out what was choking him]
Melman the Giraffe : It's unsanitary.
Marty the Zebra : The penguins are going. So why can't I?
Alex the Lion : The penguins are psychotic.
Marty the Zebra : Come on, Just imagine going back to nature. Back to your roots, clean air, wide-open spaces!
Gloria the Hippo : Well, I hear they have wide-open spaces in Connecticut.
Marty the Zebra : Connecticut?
Melman the Giraffe : Yeah. What you gotta do is you go over to Grand Central, and then you gotta take the Metro-North Tran... North?
Marty the Zebra : So one could take the train? Just Hypothetically.
Alex the Lion : Marty, come on. What would Connecticut have to offer us?
Melman the Giraffe : Lyme disease.
Alex the Lion : Thank you Melman.
Marty the Zebra : No, no really, really. I just want...
Alex the Lion : There's certainly none of this in the wild
[Waves a steak at Marty]
Marty the Zebra : But... but... but...
Alex the Lion : This is a highly refined type of food thing. That you do not find in the wild.
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Melman the Giraffe : Nature, it's all over me GET IT OFF!
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Gloria the Hippo : It's not people, it's animals.
Melman the Giraffe : California animals. Dude.
Marty the Zebra : This is like a Puffy party.
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Melman the Giraffe : Hey, Alex. Psst, Alex. Alex.
Alex the Lion : What is it, Melman?
Melman the Giraffe : OK, you know how I have to get up every two hours because of my bladder infection? Well, I get up to pee, and I was walking past Marty's pen, and usually I dont look in it, but this time I was walkin' past, and I?
Alex the Lion : What, Melman? What is it?
Melman the Giraffe : It's Marty... He's gone!
Alex the Lion : He's what?
Melman the Giraffe : [looks at hole in ground the penguins have dug] How long has he been working on this?
Melman the Giraffe : [shouts gently down hole] Marty. Marty!
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Alex the Lion : Well, I say we just ask these bozos where the people are.
Julian : [from the ground underneath Alex] Excuse me. We bozos have the people of course!
Melman the Giraffe : Hey, the bozos have the people.
Alex the Lion : Oh, well, great. Good. Phew!
Julian : They're up there.
[points up at skeletons dangling from tree, wearing a parachute harness]
Julian : Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch, though.
Alex the Lion : Oh... wow... so, do you have any *live* people?
Julian : Uhh... no, only dead ones.
Maurice : I mean, if we had a bunch of live people running around, it wouldn't be called the wild, would it?
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Marty the Zebra : Okay! You all have your side, and I'll have mine. And, if you need me, I'll be over here! On the FUN side of the island, havin' a good ol' time. A great ol' time! A GREAT ol' time. A yabba-dabba-doo ol' time! WILMA!
Alex the Lion : That's not the fun side. THIS is the fun side! This is the fun side where we're gonna have a great time surviving until we go home! Whoo! I love this side; this side's the best! That side STINKS! You're on the JERSEY side of this cesspool!
Melman the Giraffe : Well, now what do we do?
Alex the Lion : Don't worry Melman, I have a plan to get us rescued.
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Alex the Lion : You know, by the time we get back to New York, it'll be the middle of winter. So I was thinking, why rush? Maybe we could make a few sidestops along the way.
Marty the Zebra : How about Paris?
Gloria the Hippo : Ooh, you've read my mind.
Alex the Lion : I was thinking Spain.
Marty the Zebra : Yeah. A little running with the bulls.
Gloria the Hippo : How about Fiji?
Melman the Giraffe : Or Canada? Can't we? Cheap meds. Huh?
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[with his head stuck in a clock]
Melman the Giraffe : Guys, we're running out of time!
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Melman the Giraffe : What's the fastest way to Grand Central?
Alex the Lion : You should take Lexington.
Melman the Giraffe : What about Park?
Alex the Lion : No, Park goes two ways, you can't time the lights.
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Alex the Lion : What is it, Melman?
Melman the Giraffe : Okay, okay. Oh. You know how I have that bladder infection and I have to get up every two hours? I got up to pee and looked over at Marty's pen, which I usually don't do. I don't know why, but I did. And...
Alex the Lion : What, Melman? What's going on?
Melman the Giraffe : It's Marty. He's gone.
Alex the Lion : Gone?
[hits his head]
Alex the Lion : What do you mean gone?
Melman the Giraffe : How long has he been working on this?
[into the hole]
Melman the Giraffe : Marty! Marty!
Gloria the Hippo : [enters the scene] He wouldn't fit down there!
Alex the Lion : [looks into his haybed] Marty? Marty! Marty!
Gloria the Hippo : This doesn't make any sense. Where would he go?
Alex the Lion : [in shock] Connecticut!
Gloria the Hippo : He wouldn't.
Melman the Giraffe : Oh, no! What are we... What are we going to do? We gotta, we gotta. I mean, we got to, we gotta, we got to call somebody!
[Alex gasps, then runs to the phone and dials 911]
Alex the Lion : Hello? Get me some Missing Animals. And hurry. We've got a lost zebra on the way to Connecticut by now, and we're gonna need...
[the police hears the lion roaring on speaker]
Police Officer : Hello? Hello?
Alex the Lion : Wait a second. We can't call the people.
[hangs up the phone, then destroys it]
Alex the Lion : They'll be really mad. It will get Marty transferred for good. You don't bite the hand that feeds you.
Gloria the Hippo : Mm-hmm, I know that's right.
Alex the Lion : We gotta go after him.
Melman the Giraffe : Go after him?
Alex the Lion : He's not thinking straight. We gotta stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life. He's probably out there lost and cold, confused. Poor little guy.
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[after arriving on Madagascar]
Melman the Giraffe : White sandy beaches, cleverly simulated natural environment, wide-open enclosures. I'm telling you, this could be the San Diego Zoo. Complete with fake rocks.
[taps on rock]
Melman the Giraffe : Wow, that looks real.
Alex the Lion : San Diego? What could be worse than San Diego?
Marty the Zebra : I don't know. This place is crackalacking! Oh, I could hang here. I could hang here.
Alex the Lion : [starts chasing Marty] I'm gonna kill you, Marty!
Marty the Zebra : Take it easy!
Alex the Lion : I'm gonna strangle you, then bury you, dig you up and clone you and kill all your clones!
Marty the Zebra : 20-second timeout!
Gloria the Hippo : [picks up Alex] Stop it!
Alex the Lion : And then, I'm never talking to you again!
Gloria the Hippo : Look. We're just going to find the people, get checked in and have this mess straightened out.
[puts Alex down]
Alex the Lion : Oh, great. This is just great. San Diego! Now I'll have to compete with Shamu and his smug little grin. I can't top that. Can't top it. I'm ruined! I'm gone! I'm out of the business! It's your fault, Marty! You've ruined me!
Marty the Zebra : Come on, Alex. Do you honestly think I intended all of this to happen? You want me to say that I'm sorry? Is that what you want? OK, I'm...
Alex the Lion : Shh.
Marty the Zebra : He just shushed me.
Gloria the Hippo : Marty, look, you've gotta be just a little bit more and...
Alex the Lion : Shush.
Gloria the Hippo : Don't you shush me.
Alex the Lion : You hear that? Don't your hear that?
[they look at the jungle]