Chappelle's Show (2003–2006)

Priscilla Shanks: Prosecutor #4

Quotes 

• Prosecutor : Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R. Kelly is guilty?

  Dave Chappelle : Okay, I'd have to see a video of him singing "Pee On You," two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R. Kelly's grandma to confirm his identity.

  R. Kelly's Grandma : That's my Robert, always peeing on people.

• [R. Kelly jury selection hearing] 

  Dave Chappelle : Listen, lady, the burden of proof is on the state.

  [shouts] 

  Dave Chappelle : On the State! You have got to prove - *to me* - beyond a reasonable doubt whether or not this man is a pisser.

  Prosecutor : Aren't your doubts unreasonable?

  Dave Chappelle : No, it's not unreasonable. We're talking about a justice system that had 500 people whose cases were overturned by DNA evidence. I seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga and they said that they had a reasonable doubt. I got my doubts too! All right? How come they never found Biggie and Tupac's murderers, but they could arrest O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap!

  [pounds hand on witness stand] 

  Dave Chappelle : [shouts]  I want justice! You're out of order, Miss!

  [grabs judge's gavel and begins to pound] 

  Dave Chappelle : [shouts]  This whole goddamn court is out of order. Everybody!

  Prosecutor : [after whispering to her partner]  Mr. Chappelle, you're dismissed.

  Dave Chappelle : [pees on prosecutors while seated at the witness stand]  And that's from the heart!