Johnson Family Vacation (2004)

Cedric The Entertainer: Nate Johnson, Uncle Earl

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nate Johnson : [Nate walks through the hotel lobby naked, and runs into a white family]  Hey, Don, Judy! How you guys doing? It's a fine evening. Hey, why don't you get rid of the clothes and the kids? We're all playing butt-naked Uno up in 304.

• Glorietta Johnson : We gon' let Mack and Nate pray, uh see which one of 'em was paying more attention in Sunday School.

  Mack Johnson : Well, well, I guess since I'm the oldest I go first.

  Nate Johnson : Fine, all right, everyone, uh, bow your heads and close your ears.

  Mack Johnson : Yo' eyes, err'ybody close yo' eyes, Gracious God, I come to you as humbly as I know how, Praising you and giving you thanks, for bringing us together yet another year, helpin' us come together to help celebrate my victory, and Nate's agony of defeat, let us eat!

  Nate Johnson : Father God, we thank you for allowing us to come together and share with one another. Father we know that you created the birds that fly and gave the dog the voice to bark

  [arrf, Nate barks] 

  Nate Johnson : , but you wouldn't have to create the sun if you knew that Mack was gon' be sittin over there in that bright-yellow shirt lookin' all sunny-side-up like a Rootie Tootie Fresh and Fruity!

  Mack Johnson : Oh Lord, Lord, Lord, We, Father God, also realize that dat's how I know ain't no way you had nuttin' to do with creating that tacky, gangsta-lookin wheel-spinning SUV that Uncle Earl had to drag outta here!

  Nate Johnson : [interrupting Mack]  Hol' hol' hold up, Father, Hold up, wait a minute, what about the time you put the Pepto-Bismol in the Kool-Aid and errybody had diarrhea for supper, don't let me have to mention that to Mama!

  Mack Johnson : [interrrupting Nate]  Hol' on, what about the time that you burned down all the bushes round the house, cuz you got tired of goin' outside and gettin' yo own switch?

  Nate Johnson : [interrupting Mack]  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH,FAAAAAAATHHHHERRRRRR AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAHA, need I have to remind Mack while Mama standin here that uh, he the one that had Nannette Green in the backroom and was doin the nasty on Mama's good quilt, and that's why she couldn't get them stains off it?

  Glorietta Johnson : [interruptting Mack]  In Jesus name, let's eat.

  Mack Johnson : But, Mama...

  Glorietta Johnson : [interrupting Mack]  Nah-uh.

  Mack Johnson : But Mama, look...

  Glorietta Johnson : Y'all jus' got through praying, don't let me cuss up in here.

  Nate Johnson : 'Memba it was that lamp head I broke.

  Glorietta Johnson : [interrupting Mack and Nate]  Uhh-uh, I got all the stories now, it's great.

• Nate Johnson : You know, son, the only reason I'm hard on you is, well, because one day you'll wear the pants in your own family, people will depend on you, and how can they do that if your pants are all hanging off your behind? I mean, have you thought about what you gonna do if this whole rap thing didn't work out?

  D.J. Johnson : Well, i was thinking about law school

  [Nate smiles in agreement] 

  D.J. Johnson : or medical school

  [Nate nods in agreement] 

  D.J. Johnson : but then Mom says she'll help me incorporate

  [Nate looks over at Dorothy, who's sleeping] 

  D.J. Johnson : so I was thinking about coming out with my own line of hip-hop pajamas.

  Nate Johnson : [looks at him]  Pajamas?

  D.J. Johnson : You know, how Puffy has SeanJohn and then Jigga has Rockawear?

  Nate Johnson : Oh, my days!

  D.J. Johnson : D.J.'s PJs, baggy always!

  [laughs to himself] 

  D.J. Johnson : Bad!

  Nate Johnson : I told your mother not to stand by the microwave when she was pregnant with you!

  [D.J. looks puzzled] 

• Nate Johnson : [DJ sees Nate's griddle and tries to sneakily get a piece, Nate catches him and hits his hand]  Oh, no! Don't even think about it

  D.J. Johnson : Dang, Dad!

  Nate Johnson : [takes the griddle and starts eating]  Man, what would I do without my Mike Tyson Griddle? Tastes so good it'll bite'cha back!

• Nate Johnson : So, where did you meet him? At so-called accounting class?

  Dorothy Johnson : So that's what this all about, huh? Me becomming a CPA? I thought we settled that argument when I moved out.

  Nate Johnson : Oh, so I'm the bad guy because I wanted you to raise our kids?

  Dorothy Johnson : I can be a wife, a mother, and pursue my career too. Hey, my mother did it.

  Nate Johnson : [laughs]  Right, yeah, that's why the last time we saw your brother, he was your sister

  [starts to sing] 

  Nate Johnson : Young man, there's a place you can go...

• Nate Johnson : I'm planning a special evening tonight. You got any roses, or champagne, boxes of f'in chocolates?

  Gladys : No.

  Nate Johnson : Ok, I take some of those chocolate Easter bunnies and can I the uh, the diet champagne?

  [Gladys take the diet champagne] 

  Nate Johnson : and uh, all the candles that you have.

  Gladys : We don't carry candles.

  Nate Johnson : Give me a road flare.

  Gladys : That's for emergency use only.

  Nate Johnson : This is an emergency.

• D.J. Johnson : Call me M.C."D" to the Jizz-a.

  Nate Johnson : Call you who to the wizz-a? I named you Divernious James, after your grandaddy.

• Nate Johnson : Nikki, this better be FTD, cuz this Russian tail is old enough to be yo' grandaddy.

  Nikki Johnson : No, Mom's Big Daddy.

• Nate Johnson : Now remember, baby girl, I have a very special birthday planned for you at "Bun World"

  Destiny Johnson : Yeah! Wait, Daddy, don't leave Sir-Barks-A-Lot, he is going to miss my birthday!

  Nate Johnson : Sweetie, there is no dog, OK?

  Dorothy Johnson : Nate, get the dog!

  Nate Johnson : [He gets Sir-Barks-a-Lot from the ground]  There you go.

  Destiny Johnson : Thanks, Dad.

• Destiny Johnson : Mommy, I'm hungry!

  Dorothy Johnson : Nikki, can you get your sister some Fruit Loops, please?

  D.J. Johnson : Aha!

  Nikki Johnson : [hits D.J.'s arm]  Shut up.

  Nate Johnson : Destiny, sweetie, be really careful in Daddy's new truck, everyone else, this truck has to go back exactly the way it is. If you break something, then I've got to pay for it.

  Destiny Johnson : [she opens the Fruit Loops box roughly and burst open the cereal all over the back seat]  Whoops! Sorry, Dad.

  Nate Johnson : It's OK, sweetie don't worry about it.

• Nate Johnson : Dorothy, Nikki, let's go!

  [honks the horn] 

  Nate Johnson : [to D.J]  Son, you wanted to learn how to drive?

  D.J. Johnson : Yeah, sure.

  Nate Johnson : Give your here is your first lesson,

  [makes D.J. honk the horn] 

  Nate Johnson : Lets go.

  Dorothy Johnson : Calm down, Nate, we will be out in a minute.

  Nate Johnson : Let's go!

• Chrishelle Rene Boudreau : Thanks for picking me up and opening the door. No one does that anymore. You must be a real man.

  Nate Johnson : Well, I'm Nate Johnson, this is Nikki.

  Nikki Johnson : Hi.

  Nate Johnson : That's D.J.

  D.J. Johnson : Hey, what's up.

  Nate Johnson : And that's little Destiny.

  Destiny Johnson : Hi.

  Nate Johnson : And that's Dorothy. She lives down the street.

  Nikki Johnson : Daddy?

  Nate Johnson : [to Nikki]  Well it's true, she does.

  [to Chrishelle] 

  Nate Johnson : So what's your name?

  Chrishelle Rene Boudreau : Chrishelle, Chrishelle Rene Boudreau.

  Nate Johnson : Boudreau. Don't we have some Boudreaus down in Shreveport?

• Nate Johnson : And as for you, little Miss Pocahontas, until we get to the reunion, your little fast tail is grounded.

  Nikki Johnson : You can't ground me in a car.

  Nate Johnson : I can't ground you? Oh really? OK, how about

  [turns of the TV] 

  Nate Johnson : no more T.V.

  Nikki Johnson : So, I'm not watching TV.

  Nate Johnson : No more computer,

  [turns off the computer as Nikki gets out her cell phone] 

  Nate Johnson : and

  [takes the phone from her] 

  Nate Johnson : no more cell phone.

  Nikki Johnson : Daddy!

  Nate Johnson : See? Just like home.

• D.J. Johnson : [D.J. and Nikki are fighting while changing the channel]  Stop playing.

  Nikki Johnson : Can you stop?

  D.J. Johnson : Go back!

  Nikki Johnson : Stop hogging the TV!

  D.J. Johnson : OK, why don't you talk on your cell phone? Oh, oh, I forgot, you're grounded.

  Nikki Johnson : You know what? I can't stand you!

  [she hit D.J. with a pillow] 

  D.J. Johnson : Capital "G" oh, why'd you do that?

  Nikki Johnson : I'm going to tell...

  Nate Johnson : [as he walks in]  Enough, guess I found the only Chuck E. Cheese in the whole state.

  Nikki Johnson : I'm the oldest, I'm the oldest!

  Nate Johnson : Everybody settle down, nobody eats until your sister eats, it's her birthday.

  Nikki Johnson : Daddy?

• Gladys : [Gladys comes by and sees Nate's swimming trunks on the hook, she then looks at Nate in the hot tub with four other women]  So, Mr. Johnson,

  [they look at Gladys] 

  Gladys : which one is your wife?

  Nate Johnson : Hey, its not what it looks like.

  Gladys : Well, guess you won't be needing these.

  [takes Nate's trunks from the hook] 

  Nate Johnson : Oh, no, no, come on, I need those!

• Nate Johnson : OK, I got a couple of rooms here, one for the guys and one for the girls.

  Chrishelle Rene Boudreau : Looks like we're roommates!

  Nate Johnson : Yeah, adjoining rooms.

  Dorothy Johnson : Why don't we give our guest a room for herself? You know how Destiny love to snore the paint off the walls, and you can sleep with me and the kids.

  Nate Johnson : Oh, that's funny, maybe we can meet in the hot tub again.

  Chrishelle Rene Boudreau : I don't mind sharing. Snoring doesn't bother me none.

  Nate Johnson : See, right here, Chrishelle doesn't mind.

  Dorothy Johnson : No, Nate, I insist you sleep with me.

  Nate Johnson : OK, all right, the begging is not becoming of you.

  Chrishelle Rene Boudreau : Good Night.

  [takes the hotel keys] 

  Chrishelle Rene Boudreau : I'll see you all tomorrow.

  Dorothy Johnson : [to Nate as picks up the other keys]  I'll see you in a minute.

  D.J. Johnson : Slacking on your pimping, Dad.

  Nikki Johnson : You need to ditch her.