1-800-Missing (2003–2006)

Caterina Scorsone: Jess Mastriani

Photos 

Quotes 

• Janey Cooper : Would you like a muffin?

  Jess Mastriani : Oh, my God!

  Janey Cooper : I make them myself.

  Jess Mastriani : You're dead!

  Janey Cooper : Try one.

  Jess Mastriani : I don't want a muffin!

  Janey Cooper : You have to be careful on this job, it could get you killed.

  Jess Mastriani : No, it *did* get you killed, you're dead!

  Janey Cooper : I'm not dead. If I were dead I wouldn't be able to look you in the eye and tell you, you are screwing up again.

• Sunny Estrada : [the enter key on her computer will not work]  Come on. Come on.

  [she gives up] 

  Sunny Estrada : Fine.

  [she grabs the keyboard and chucks it across the room at the wall. It smashes into pieces] 

  Jess Mastriani : Is everything all right?

  Sunny Estrada : It is now.

  Brooke Haslett : Computer problems?

  Sunny Estrada : What was your first clue?

  Jess Mastriani : I've always been tempted to fix my computer the same way.

• Jess Mastriani : Couple of people saw the woman in the park before the kidnapping. She was wandering around, ranting and raving.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : How many is a couple?

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Three.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : I'll re-interview them personally.

  Jess Mastriani : They've been here over an hour. They've missed meetings, haven't been able to pick up their kids...

  Assistant Director John Pollock : All right. Get the name of everyone who wants to leave.

  Jess Mastriani : And...?

  Assistant Director John Pollock : Arrest them.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : What for?

  Assistant Director John Pollock : They don't want to talk to me, they're suspects.

• Assistant Director John Pollock : Agent... you see that camera?

  [he gestures to the wall, where a camera records everything that is said and done in this room] 

  Jess Mastriani : Yes, sir.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : Turn it off.

  Jess Mastriani : I can't, sir.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : The panel is on the wall's outside.

  Jess Mastriani : I know.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : So...?

  Jess Mastriani : It's against the rules. Sir.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : Don't screw with me, Agent. Go turn it off.

  [Jess is silent. Pollock rolls his eyes] 

  Assistant Director John Pollock : All right, come here.

  [he pulls Jess directly in front of the camera, squares her shoulders and straightens her hair. He lines her up against the lens carefully, so that they can both be seen on film] 

  Jess Mastriani : This angle work for you? Sort of three quarters. This your good side?

  Assistant Director John Pollock : It's fine, sir.

  [he looks up at the camera, then back at Jess.] 

  Jess Mastriani : Okay. I, John Pollock, Assistant Director of the FBI, order you to turn this camera off and leave me alone with the suspect.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : Sir, it's against regulations. And it compromises the suspect's rights.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : What rights?

  Jess Mastriani : Those in the Constitution. Sir.

  [she is still standing there, not cooperating. Pollock shrugs] 

  Assistant Director John Pollock : So we'll do it the old fashioned way.

  [he takes his suit coat off and hangs it over the camera. Pollock turns back to Jess] 

  Assistant Director John Pollock : Get out.

  Jess Mastriani : Yes, sir. I'll be outside.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : Fine.

  Jess Mastriani : Observing. Sir.

  Assistant Director John Pollock : Knock yourself out.

  [Jess leaves] 

• FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Okay look, calm down.

  Jess Mastriani : Easy for you to say, you were not grabbed by a hand from the grave!

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Neither were you, it was just a vision.

  Jess Mastriani : No! They're not visions until you know they're visions, when it happened it was a hand from the grave.

  [sighs] 

  Jess Mastriani : It felt really cold.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Was there anything else?

  Jess Mastriani : I don't want to talk about the vision. I want, I want a job in the food service industry. Something involving French fries and paper hats and no hands coming out of the ground!

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Maybe it has something to do with the case, Jess.

  Jess Mastriani : And maybe I was at Janey's funeral, who I couldn't stand, but she was shot and killed, so I feel guilty, and so now she's going to haunt me forever! Maybe that, Nicole.

• Jess Mastriani : He's not a murderer.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : I'm not taking any chances with a man that's got five wives.

• FBI Agent Nicole Scott : You want another crooler?

  Jess Mastriani : No, I don't want another crooler, thank you very much.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : But it's good for you. It's got... honeyglaze. Please die for this crooler, Jess.

  Jess Mastriani : I've had two already. Who eats three croolers in a night?

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Take a look.

  [Nicole takes a huge bite] 

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm!

  Jess Mastriani : And who marries five women?

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : At the same time is the issue. Russlyn Abedney. 52 years old.

  Jess Mastriani : But he was running around between four wives, you would think that by the time he met number five she would figure out that there was something wrong.

• Jess Mastriani : We have a missing man. George Wright, 35 years old, six foot five, 190 pounds. He vanished from his hotel room where he was with a hot woman.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : A hot woman? Who said so, Antonio?

  Jess Mastriani : [shrugging]  I just read 'em.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Mmmm-hmmm.

  Jess Mastriani : I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. I mean how am I going to connect to him off one photo on a PDA?

• Jess Mastriani : Hey, how is he?

  FBI Agent Antonio Cortez : Who, Pullock?

  Jess Mastriani : Yeah.

  FBI Agent Antonio Cortez : Weird.

  Jess Mastriani : Like usual?

  FBI Agent Antonio Cortez : No, weirder.

  Jess Mastriani : Oh. Good.

  [walks away] 

• FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Don't show me up now.

  Jess Mastriani : Show you up how?

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : No going home to do your laundry, no talking to your mother for an hour. You are going dancing tonight, you hear me?

  Jess Mastriani : Yes ma'am, I hear ya.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : You gonna dance with the cybercrown guy?

  Jess Mastriani : Yes, ma'am.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Let him ask you first, don't look too forward.

  Jess Mastriani : Goin now, ma'am!

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : If he asks to walk you home, don't give him too much sugar right away. Make him earn it!!

• FBI Agent Nicole Scott : I guess that's why we're partners.

  Jess Mastriani : Yeah... of course, most friends do see each others apartments.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Here we go about the apartment. What do you think I have in there the Hope Diamond or something?

  Jess Mastriani : I was thinking more of your fantastic shoe collection.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Ooh, now there is something to see, you wanna check it out?

  Jess Mastriani : Yeah.

• Jess Mastriani : Nice neighborhood for the slave trade.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Come on. We'll be less conspicuous on foot. Just two girlfriends out for a walk.

  FBI Agent Antonio Cortez : What does that make me?

  Jess Mastriani : You could be our stalker.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : I've been through that phase with him.

  FBI Agent Antonio Cortez : What are you talking about? You stalked *me*.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : You should do something about that memory of yours.

  Jess Mastriani : You know, I figure if I just keep getting into dangerous situations with you two long enough, I'll find out what really happened between you.

  FBI Agent Nicole Scott : Better if you don't.

  FBI Agent Antonio Cortez : You couldn't stand it.