The Three Stooges (2012)
Craig Bierko: Mac
Photos
Quotes
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Lydia : My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac : Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly : I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.
[Curly and Larry laugh]
Moe : [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?
Curly : Yeah.
[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]
Moe : Are they awake now?
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Mac : [furiously - while trapped in car submerged in water] Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
Moe : [passes gas, everybody groans in disgust] I'm sorry! I guess the pesto-bismol didn't help with the lobster.
Moe : [grabs Curly by the ears and says furiously] Did you eat the shells again?
Curly : I don't know! It was on the plate and then it wasn't!
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Mac : [as he and Lydia are being arrested] Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh? Come on, come on, let's make a deal, I- I...
Lydia : [screaming at Mac] Shut up!
Mac : You shut up!
Policeman #3 : Just get in there.
Mac : [to the police officer] I'll sing like a canary. You know, you name 'em, I'll blame 'em.
Policeman #3 : I don't care.
Teddy : It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, the so-called "lucky one" who got adopted, and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had. You know, you're happy with yourselves, and with each other. That's a real blessing. So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?
Lydia : Funny you should ask: Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?
Teddy : Uh... no.
[the Stooges gasp in shock]
Teddy : That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off to military school when I was seven. And he just... he just tried to murder me, and run off with my wife, and- and you expect me to just give money to the women who handed me over to that monster? I'm sorry, guys, I'd do anything for those kids and- and you guys, but... I can't do that, uh... sorry.
Policeman #3 : Excuse me, Mr. Harter? Could you come over here and give us a statement? Right this way.
Moe : [Moe slaps Larry] "Donut remover."
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Mac : Ohh!
Lydia : My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac : Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly : I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called coma-toes.
[Larry and Curly laugh]
Moe : [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
Curly : Yeah.
Curly : [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
Moe : Are they awake now?
[Curly growls]
Mac : Gentlemen.
[the Stooges look behind them, unaware that Mac is referring to them]
Mac : [losing patience] Gentlemen!
Mac : I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.
Moe : I don't know, it sounds illegal.
Larry : Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?
Lydia : I did.
Larry : [Larry whistles Whew] That's a good day's pay.
Curly : Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.
Moe : You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!
Mac : [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.
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Moe : [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.
Teddy : [barely awake] Who are you?
Moe : It's us, it's Moe...
Larry : Larry...
Curly : And Curly.
Teddy : [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?
Moe : All right buddy, we got you now.
Moe , Curly , Larry : [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!
Teddy : [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
Moe : That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
Curly : Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
Larry : And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.
Teddy : [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?
Lydia : [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
Moe : Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
Teddy : [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?
Mac : [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.
Teddy : [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-ah-aah!
Mr. Harter : [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.
Mr. Harter : [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.
Mac : Not a problem.
[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]
Teddy : Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?
Mac : It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.
Mr. Harter : No, Mac, I was calling the shots.
[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]
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Curly : Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!
[the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]
Larry : Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!
Curly : Rowf, rowf, rowf!
[Curly pants like a dog]
Moe : Spread out!
Moe : [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?
Lydia : I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.
Curly : Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?
Lydia : [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.
Larry , Curly , Moe : Nyah-aah-aah!
[Curly's teeth chatter nervously]
Moe : Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!
Lydia : But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.
Larry : Says who?
Mac : [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.
Moe : Who are you?
Mac : I'm her husband.
[Mac kisses Lydia]
Larry : Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?
Mac : Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...
Curly : No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.
[Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]
Mac : [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!
Lydia : My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac : Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly : I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".
[Larry and Curly laugh]
Moe : [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
Curly : Yeah.
Curly : [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
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Mac : [Mac has a scratched face from his disastrous encounter with the zoo's lion] I don't get you, Lydia. Why would you throw a big anniversary party for Teddo? I thought we were trying to kill the guy!
Lydia : We are, I just want lots of witnesses for when that dope accidentally falls head first from that balcony.
Mac : Ohhh.
Mr. Harter : Well... you two are certainly looking rather cozy.
[Mac and Lydia laugh]
Mr. Harter : Good lord Mac, what- what happened to your face?
Mac : New kitty.
Mr. Harter : Ah.
Mac : I'm gonna go freshen up my drink.
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Mac : [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.
Mac : I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.
Moe , Larry , Curly : Yes, yes?
Mac : But, do not turn on the lights.
Moe , Larry , Curly : No, no, no.
Moe : Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?
Mac : Well, I want it to be a surprise.
Moe : Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?
Mac : Bingo.
Larry : Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!
Larry : [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!
Moe : [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.
Moe , Larry , Curly : [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Lydia : [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!
Moe : What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!
Larry : Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.
Lydia : Huh?
Larry : Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.
Lydia : [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!
Larry : [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?
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Teddy : [the Stooges, Teddy, Mac, Mr. Harter and Lydia are all passengers in Mr. Harter's car] I don't get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?
Mr. Harter : Well, son, I didn't get rich... simply by... lawyering. I married into it. Unfortunately, when your mom passed away, she left everything to you.
Mac : So you were just using me to do your dirty work?
Lydia : Oh, heh, you cracked the code.
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Mac : [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?
Curly : Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.
Lydia : Who's Nippy?
Curly : Him.
[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]
Lydia : [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!
Mac : [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!
Mr. Harter : [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!
Lydia : Why would you let the gun get wet?
[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn."]
Lydia : [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?
Mr. Harter : Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.
Larry : Oh, we got to break a window.
Teddy : It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.
Mac : Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]
Curly : I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.
Moe : [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?
Curly : I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.
Moe : Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?
Larry : No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.
Moe : Why you...
[Moe bonks Larry on the head]
Larry : Ow!
Moe : Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!
[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]
Curly : Maybe that's not such a -
[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]
