The Three Stooges (2012)
Kirby Heyborne: Teddy
Photos
Quotes
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Mac : [as he and Lydia are being arrested] Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh? Come on, come on, let's make a deal, I- I...
Lydia : [screaming at Mac] Shut up!
Mac : You shut up!
Policeman #3 : Just get in there.
Mac : [to the police officer] I'll sing like a canary. You know, you name 'em, I'll blame 'em.
Policeman #3 : I don't care.
Teddy : It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, the so-called "lucky one" who got adopted, and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had. You know, you're happy with yourselves, and with each other. That's a real blessing. So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?
Lydia : Funny you should ask: Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?
Teddy : Uh... no.
[the Stooges gasp in shock]
Teddy : That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off to military school when I was seven. And he just... he just tried to murder me, and run off with my wife, and- and you expect me to just give money to the women who handed me over to that monster? I'm sorry, guys, I'd do anything for those kids and- and you guys, but... I can't do that, uh... sorry.
Policeman #3 : Excuse me, Mr. Harter? Could you come over here and give us a statement? Right this way.
Moe : [Moe slaps Larry] "Donut remover."
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Moe : Fellas, it's too high -
[Larry and Curly collide with Moe, nearly pushing him over the rooftop]
Moe : Aaah!
[Larry and Curly catch Moe by the legs and pull him back to the roof]
Moe : Why you lamebrains!
[Moe slaps Larry and Curly across their faces]
Larry : Hey, look, a fire hose! We can lower ourselves down to the ground.
Moe : The kid's right, it's foolproof! Come on.
[the Stooges unwind the fire hose and jump down to the ground below; the hose comes off its reel and the Stooges drop to the ground, landing on Teddy]
Moe , Curly , Larry : Aah-aah!
[the hose's reel hits Moe on the head as Teddy gets back on his feet]
Moe : Ow! Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?
Teddy : I'm sorry, 100 percent my fault. Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I - Moe? Larry, Curly, is that you?
Moe : Depends who's asking.
Teddy : It's me, Teddo J. Harter.
Moe : Who?
Teddy : Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy. You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.
Moe : What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall and he only had one shoe.
Larry : Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.
Teddy : Here- here, look, I got a snapshot of me and the 'rents leaving the orphanage.
[the photo shows Teddy being adopted by his new parents and Moe being taken back by the nuns]
Larry : Hey, it is you.
[Larry looks at Teddy's photo]
Larry : I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing? They seem like good eggs.
Teddy : Yeah, well Dad's doing great, I work with him at the law firm downtown; but Mother, she passed on several years ago, hunting accident.
Moe , Curly , Larry : Oh, sure, yeah.
Teddy : So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.
[the Stooges recoil at the mention of "poke", being unaware that it's a different kind of "poke"]
Teddy : Better yet, I'll tweet you.
Curly : Oh, tweet us to dinner? Soitanly!
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Moe : [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.
Teddy : [barely awake] Who are you?
Moe : It's us, it's Moe...
Larry : Larry...
Curly : And Curly.
Teddy : [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?
Moe : All right buddy, we got you now.
Moe , Curly , Larry : [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!
Teddy : [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
Moe : That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
Curly : Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
Larry : And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.
Teddy : [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?
Lydia : [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
Moe : Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
Teddy : [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?
Mac : [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.
Teddy : [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-ah-aah!
Mr. Harter : [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.
Mr. Harter : [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.
Mac : Not a problem.
[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]
Teddy : Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?
Mac : It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.
Mr. Harter : No, Mac, I was calling the shots.
[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]
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Teddy : Hey, wait a minute, where are you guys living?
Moe : You know the Ritz Carlton on Oak Street?
Teddy : Oh, sure.
Curly : Yeah, we're camped out in the dumpster out back.
Larry : But not the dirty, beat-up green one. It's the shiny blue one right next to it
Teddy : Oh... You know, I've got an idea: Why don't you guys come crash at my place, just until you get your feet back on the ground?
Larry : Oh boy, that sounds terrific!
Curly : Yeah, heh.
Moe : We're not going anywhere.
Larry : What are you talking about, Moe?
Moe : Thanks Teddy Bear, but we're gonna stay put. We got too many irons in the fire right now.
Teddy : Of course you do. Hey look, I gotta get going; I'm supposed to be visiting a friend. Wait, let's get a quick pic first.
Moe : What is that gadget?
Teddy : It's an iPhone.
Curly : [squints into Teddy's iPhone] Eye-phone? Hello? Hello! There's nobody there.
Teddy : Works better on your ear. Here, come on, everybody.
Moe : Where do you think you're going?
[Moe pulls Larry's hair]
Larry : Aah!
Moe : Here, let me get- Wait a minute, wait a second.
[Moe climbs on top of Curly and Larry as they pose for a quick photo]
Teddy : Smile!
[Teddy takes the Stooges' photo]
Teddy : [Teddy chuckles] Oh, that's great. It's so good to see you guys, really. You haven't changed a bit.
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Ronnie : How's that Whynatte?
The Situation : This is, like, my fourth or fifth.
Sammi : What happened last night?
The Situation : What kind of flavor? I like coffee, too.
Moe : Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven, anyone up for some gummy worms?
JWoww : Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka. By the way, why are you even on our show? You look like a stretched-out meatball.
The Situation : [laughter] Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?
Ronnie : Good luck, this guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese. I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.
Moe : Oh, you don't like that cheese.
Ronnie : No.
Moe : Well, let's see what we can do about that.
[Moe picks up the cheese grater]
Ronnie : What are you doing?
Teddy : [watching "Jersey Shore" from his bedroom with Lydia] Oh boy, here we go.
Moe : [Moe rubs the cheese grater on Ronnie's foot] How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? Come on!
Ronnie : Ow! What, are you crazy? That's assault!
Moe : Here's your pepper. Shut up!
[Moe slaps Ronnie]
The Situation : My man!
Moe : Who asked you, muscle-head!
[Moe quickly finger-pokes The Situation's eyes]
Sammi : Moe, you just can't go around hitting people!
Moe : Oh, no? Well, can I do this?
[Moe plucks Sammi's nasal hairs out of her nostril]
Sammi : Hmm, rare bouquet.
JWoww : Are you kidding me? Who does this?
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Ronnie : How's that Whynatte?
The Situation : This is, like, my fourth or fifth.
Sammi : What happened last night?
The Situation : What kind of flavor? I like coffee, too.
Moe : Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven, anyone up for some gummy worms?
JWoww : Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka. By the way, why are you even on our show? You look like a stretched-out meatball.
[laughter]
The Situation : Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?
Ronnie : Good luck, this guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese. I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.
Moe : Oh, you don't like that cheese.
Ronnie : No.
Moe : Well, let's see what we can do about that.
[Moe picks up the cheese grater]
Ronnie : What are you doing?
Teddy : [watching "Jersey Shore" from his bedroom with Lydia] Oh boy, here we go.
Moe : [Moe rubs the cheese grater on Ronnie's foot] How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? Come on!
Ronnie : Ow! What, are you crazy? That's assault!
Moe : Here's your pepper, shut up!
[Moe slaps Ronnie]
The Situation : My man!
Moe : [Moe finger-pokes The Situation in the eyes] Who asked you, muscle-head!
Sammi : Moe, you just can't go around hitting people!
Moe : Oh, no? Well, can I do this?
[Moe plucks Sammi's nasal hairs out of her nostril]
Sammi : Ow!
Moe : Hmm, rare bouquet.
JWoww : Are you kidding me? Who does this?
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Teddy : [the Stooges, Teddy, Mac, Mr. Harter and Lydia are all passengers in Mr. Harter's car] I don't get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?
Mr. Harter : Well, son, I didn't get rich... simply by... lawyering. I married into it. Unfortunately, when your mom passed away, she left everything to you.
Mac : So you were just using me to do your dirty work?
Lydia : Oh, heh, you cracked the code.
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Mac : [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?
Curly : Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.
Lydia : Who's Nippy?
Curly : Him.
[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]
Lydia : [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!
Mac : [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!
Mr. Harter : [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!
Lydia : Why would you let the gun get wet?
[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn."]
Lydia : [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?
Mr. Harter : Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.
Larry : Oh, we got to break a window.
Teddy : It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.
Mac : Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]
Curly : I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.
Moe : [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?
Curly : I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.
Moe : Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?
Larry : No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.
Moe : Why you...
[Moe bonks Larry on the head]
Larry : Ow!
Moe : Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!
[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]
Curly : Maybe that's not such a -
[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]
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Teddy : [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!
Moe : Oh, hey Teddy!
Larry : Hi, Teddy!
Mother Superior : Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!
Moe , Curly , Larry : [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!
Moe : Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!
Mother Superior : Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.
Teddy : [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?
Murph : Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?
[Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]
Murph : Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.
Peezer : It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.
Murph : [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.
Teddy : Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.
Murph : What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.
Teddy : Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.
Weezer : [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!
Peezer : Weezer!
[the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]
Mother Superior : Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!
[the orphans join in the cheer]
Sister Mary-Mengele : [mutters to herself] Oh, please.
Mother Superior : [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!
Moe : Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!
Curly : Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.
[Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]
Curly : Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-aah-aah!
Sister Mary-Mengele : [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!
Moe , Curly , Larry : Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!
[the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]
Curly : Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!
