Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004 Video Game)

Young Maylay: Carl 'CJ' Johnson

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Quotes 

• Carl Johnson : Grove Street. Home. At least it was before I fucked everything up.

• Carl Johnson : [while falling from a great height]  I HATE GRAVITY!

• Carl Johnson : Any last requests?

  Officer Eddie Pulaski : Yeah... can I fuck your sister?

  Carl Johnson : You an asshole to the end. Punk motherfucker.

  [kills Pulaski] 

• Ken Rosenberg : Hey, just like old times, huh, Tommy?

  Carl Johnson : Who the fuck is Tommy?

• Big Smoke : You picked the wrong house, fool!

  Carl Johnson : Big smoke! It's me, Carl! Chill, chill!

  Big Smoke : CJ...? Aaaooooww my dog! Whassup? Ha ha ha ha!

• Carl Johnson : [after hitting a car while driving]  Are you a professional moron or just a gifted amateur!

• [near the end of a huge police chase] 

  Big Smoke : Oh shit! Roadblock up ahead!

  Carl Johnson : The K's jammed!

  Big Smoke : Fuck it, I'm goin' through!

  Sweet Johnson : CJ, we got the ghetto bird up ahead!

  Aerial Police (Cop 1) : This is the LSPD, do not... hey, what the fuck! TOO LOW! YOU'LL KILL US ALL!

  Sweet Johnson : Back up Smoke, BACK UP!

  Big Smoke : Hell no, I'm going through!

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Oh man, we gonna die!

  [the helicopter skims over the car, shredding the motorcycle cop on the hood of the car] 

  Carl Johnson : OH SHIT!

  [Smoke proceeds] 

  Sweet Johnson : Slow down Smoke, SLOW DOWN!

  Big Smoke : Oh shit, the brakes is out!

  [Everyone bails out at the last second as the car smashes through a billboard, and crashes on a rig on the freeway below] 

  Big Smoke : [looking at the carnage on the freeway from the smashed billboard]  Shit! That's gonna be a hell of a story to tell when we passin' the blunt!

  Sweet Johnson : Now THAT was some some serious shit! Whoo!

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Fuck this, we gotta get outta here.

  Sweet Johnson : Ryder's right. Everyone split up, and we'll meet up later.

• Big Smoke : Like it says in the book... We are both blessed and cursed.

  Carl Johnson : What fuckin' book?

• Carl Johnson : [when taking pedestrian's money]  ahhh, you so kind

• Carl Johnson : Ah shit, here we go again.

• [after someone hits his car] 

  Carl Johnson : Did you steal your license?

• Sweet Johnson : You're dressed like a hooker!

  Kendl : You two would know what a hooker looks like.

  Carl Johnson : You say that like it's a bad thing.

  Sweet Johnson , Kendl : Shut up, Carl!

• [while watching government agents loading cargo on an airplane] 

  Mike Toreno : These guys think they can help the 'overseas situation' by financing militaristic dictators in exchange for arms and contracts.

  Carl Johnson : Hey, ain't that exactly what you do?

  Mike Toreno : Well, kind of, but we get to pick our dictators.

• Carl Johnson : [while carjacking someone]  I need that shit you drive!

• [first lines] 

  Carl Johnson : [voiceover]  After five years on the East Coast, it was time to go home

  [a previous phone call is heard] 

  Carl Johnson : 'Sup?

  Sweet Johnson : Carl, it's Sweet.

  Carl Johnson : Whassup, Sweet, what you want?

  Sweet Johnson : It's Moms... She's dead, bro.

• Carl Johnson : [knocking someone off a motorbike]  You okay?... I hope not!

• Carl Johnson : [if a cop arrests him]  Shit, glad I don't pay no taxes.

• Carl Johnson : [Toreno is calling CJ on his cell phone]  Toreno?

  Mike Toreno : Carl, learn to fly.

  Carl Johnson : I'm on it, man, I swear!

  Mike Toreno : "I'm on it, man, I swear" Same old broken record, Carl. But that?s fine... because your brother's getting a new cell mate tonight ? Horse Cock Harry. And I'm sending a present, little wedding present - a big tube of lube.

  Carl Johnson : Shit, dude, okay! Okay! I swear, man, I'm gonna be the best pilot!

  Mike Toreno : I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear is your brother's love cries as 8 kilometers of cock find its way up his ass. "Aaooowww? That's your brother, okay? No big problem.

  Carl Johnson : Wait! Please, man!

  Mike Toreno : That was my last motivational speech, understand? Am I being too spiritual for you, Carl?

  Carl Johnson : OK, man, I get the message.

• Carl Johnson : [while carjacking someone]  Now now, you need to exercise more.

• Carl Johnson : Can you shoot?

  The Truth : Shoot? I'm a hippie. The only thing I've shot is acid. I heard of a dude snorted it once. Thought his nose was a kangaroo and the moon was a dog! WOOH!

• Sweet Johnson : [CJ and Sweet are driving down to Grove Street during the riots]  So who's the weird Brit?

  Carl Johnson : What? Oh, Maccer? He got a little problem he can't control.

  Sweet Johnson : What kinda problem?

  Carl Johnson : He can't stop, you know, givin' himself a little bit.

  Sweet Johnson : What, you mean he likes to consult Professor Hans Jerkov?

  Carl Johnson : [laughs]  Yeah, regularly.

  Sweet Johnson : Spank the monkey?

  Carl Johnson : Yeah.

  Sweet Johnson : Take Palm-ela out?

  Carl Johnson : Quit it!

  [laughs] 

  Sweet Johnson : Burp the worm?

  Carl Johnson : Enough, man!

• [CJ, Pulaski and Tenpenny are in a police car] 

  Officer Frank Tenpenny : How you been, Carl? How's your wonderful family?

  Carl Johnson : I'm here to bury my Moms. You know that.

  Officer Frank Tenpenny : Yeah, I guess I do. So what else you got shakin' Carl?

  Carl Johnson : Nothing. I live in Liberty City now. I'm clean. Legit.

  Officer Frank Tenpenny : No, you ain't never been clean, Carl.

  Officer Eddie Pulaski : Well what've we got here?

  Officer Frank Tenpenny : This is a weapon, Officer Pulaski, that was used to gun down a police officer not ten minutes ago. Officer Pendelbury. A fine man, I might add. You work fast, nigga.

  Carl Johnson : You know I just got off the plane!

  Officer Eddie Pulaski : It's a good thing we found you and retrieved the murder weapon.

  Carl Johnson : That ain't my gun.

  Officer Frank Tenpenny : Don't bullshit me, Carl.

  Officer Eddie Pulaski : Yeah, don't bullshit him, Carl.

  Carl Johnson : What the fuck you want from me this time?

  Officer Frank Tenpenny : When we want you, we'll find you. In the meantime, try not to gun down any more officers of the law.

• [repeated line] 

  Carl Johnson : [when C.J. is running from the police]  I don't want a nightstick up the ass.

• [CJ, Woozie, Suzie, Zero, one of Woozie's assistants, the occupant of the room and two other men are in the planning room] 

  Carl Johnson : It seems impossible to keep a secret around here! I would have thought the size of the room would keep the numbers down.

  Man #1 : Hey, speak up, we can't hear you back here!

  Carl Johnson : I appreciate your input, but please, fuck off.

  Man #1 : What did he say?

  Man #2 : [murmuring]  He said fuck off.

  [Man #1 and Man #2 leave] 

  Carl Johnson : [to the occupant]  Hey, what are you still doing here?

  Occupant : I live here.

  Carl Johnson : Oh, OK, you can stay.

  Occupant : Great.

  Su Xi Mu : Hey, where's the coffee and doughnuts?

  [CJ purposely ignores Suzie] 

  Carl Johnson : OK, look, I'm going to go shut off the city's power source. Woozie, look after these fools for me.

  Woozie : OK, now, the important thing to remember with a plan like this, is that... nothing can go wrong.

• Carl Johnson : [while stealing someone's bike]  Sorry about that. Now fuck off!

• Carl Johnson : Fuck you and your casino!

• Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Say, CJ, you gonna crash the car again?

  Carl Johnson : Fuck you, Ryda'.

  Sweet Johnson : Ryda', give CJ a break, man. He's practically turned the Grove around by himself.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Man, I was just tellin' a joke on the lil' nigga.

  Carl Johnson : Everythang you do is a joke, Ryder.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : That ain't true!

  Big Smoke : Ryda'... just chill the fuck out, man!

  Sweet Johnson : Remember, we're reuniting the families, so no bullshit. Stay cool.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : You know me, Sweet, cool as a Shaolin monk!

  Sweet Johnson : Especially you, Ryda.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : What you mean? I resent your implication, and shit.

• Carl Johnson : [Getting arrested]  Fuck you, po-po!

• [Woozie is in a room in the casino. CJ enters] 

  Carl Johnson : Woozie?

  Woozie : Oh, Carl.

  Carl Johnson : You could at least turn the lights on.

  Woozie : Oh, I thought I had. This window here must let some light in.

  Carl Johnson : Yeah, this is perfect right here. This is where we're going to plan the heist at.

  Woozie : Anyone else coming?

  Carl Johnson : No.

  Woozie : Couldn't we have done this in my office?

  Carl Johnson : You gotta have a secret place to plan shit like this, that's just how it's done!

  Woozie : OK, OK, I see where you're coming from. So, what do we do?

  Carl Johnson : I guess we got to make a plan.

  Woozie : Speaking of plans, do you have the layout to Caligula's Casino?

  Carl Johnson : Shit. No. I guess I gotta go get one.

  Woozie : Meeting adjourned?

  Carl Johnson : Meeting adjourned.

• [The usual six men that are planning the heist are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is at the front giving out instructions] 

  Carl Johnson : OK, we got the bikes. And Woozie's taken care of the uniforms. Now, we just gotta get an armoured van and re-spray it with the Caligula's Casino logo.

  Woozie : Why don't we steal one while it's on its rounds? That way we can make some money too.

  Carl Johnson : No, I don't want to get the crew caught up in some street level jacking - it could get ugly.

  Zero : I... I have an idea? Um... Have you ever seen those helicopters they use to lift heavy loads?

  Su Xi Mu : Yeah, they call 'em 'sky cranes'. We could lift the whole truck and take them to someplace safe.

  Woozie : Then we need to steal a sky crane. Unfortunately I'm not a pilot.

  Zero : No, me neither.

  Su Xi Mu : Hey, don't look at me.

  Assistant : Or me.

  Carl Johnson : Shit. I'll fly it, then. We can re-spray it at the airstrip.

  Zero : Yeah, Carl. It'll be just like fighting Berkley, only bigger!

  Carl Johnson : Yeah, thanks for that.

• [last lines] 

  Kendl : Carl, where are you off to now?

  Carl Johnson : Fittin' to hit the block, see what's happening.

• Carl Johnson : [pointing a gun at someone]  Oh, big surprise, I gotta gun.

• [during a cell phone conversation] 

  Carl Johnson : Does the Pope shit in the woods?

  Cesar : Why you keep asking me that, holmes? I told you, i dunno. Where the holiness does his business, is his business.

• [after Johnny Sindacco dies of a heart attack] 

  Carl Johnson : Damn! That nigga's fucked up!

• Female Pedestrian : You just smell so sophisticated!

  Carl Johnson : I smell like money.

• Denise Robinson : Do you want to come in for some coffee?

  Carl Johnson : I hope you're clean, bitch.

• Carl Johnson : [jacking a car]  What can I say? I'm a bad man.

• [CJ and Woozie are playing Blackjack] 

  Woozie : Hit me.

  Carl Johnson : Are you sure, man?

  Woozie : Yeah. I'm going for a 5 card hand, come on.

  [CJ gives Woozie another card] 

  Carl Johnson : I'm gonna stick. What you got?

  Woozie : How would I know? you tell me.

  Carl Johnson : Not good. You got, uh, 47.

  Woozie : Damn. You're bad luck for me. You know, when I play the other guys, I always win!

• Carl Johnson : [after another car hits CJ's car]  You hit me! I'm-a hit you back!

• British Pedestrian : AAAAAAAARGH!

  Carl Johnson : You should have run away!

• Carl Johnson : [while falling from a great height]  WHAT THE FUCK?

• Carl Johnson : Hey, what up Z!

  Zero : Nothing is up Carl, apart from my blood pressure, and the imminent collapse of my hopes and dreams.

  Carl Johnson : ...Why?

  Zero : As usual, the forces of darkness have triumphed over good. Life is nothing but misery, briefly interspersed with agony.

  Carl Johnson : Z, whatchoo on? Whatever it is, you need to reduce the dosage!

  Zero : Exuse me, but I never take drugs. We all know drugs are for losers, and/or sex maniacs, and right now, sex is the last thing on my mind.

  Carl Johnson : Thank God for that!

  Zero : Berkley is back!

  Carl Johnson : Ohhh, Berkley. Who the fuck is Berkley?

  Zero : A man I once beat in fair competition. A man litterally obsessed with revenge!

  Carl Johnson : Oh, you put hands on him?

  Zero : No! Please! I never initiate violence.

  Carl Johnson : Ohhh, I know. You knocked his bitch!

  Zero : No. I won the prize in the science fair. First prize, that is.

  Carl Johnson : And now he wanna pop you? HAHAHA, and they say gangbangers is petty and small-minded!

  [CJ hears a beeping sound] 

  Carl Johnson : Eh what's that bleepin' sound?

  Zero : It's him... we shall fight to the end!

• Carl Johnson : [jacking someone]  Now you can buy a new one!

• Carl Johnson : [jacking someone]  It's the car of my dreams!

• Carl Johnson : [someone hits his vehicle]  Aw, for fuck's sake!

• Carl Johnson : [while carjacking someone]  Remember, heroes get killed.

• Carl Johnson : [while carjacking someone]  You got the car of my dreams!

• Carl Johnson : [while stealing someone's bike]  Aww, you fell off your bike.

• Carl Johnson : [if he hits another car]  Aw, I wanna immigrate from here!

• Carl Johnson : [if he hits another car]  What's your poison? Grin or gin?

• Carl Johnson : [while pointing a gun at someone]  Hey, guess what! It's loaded!

• Carl Johnson : [while pointing a gun at someone]  It's my constitutional right, bitch!

• Carl Johnson : [if a cop arrests him]  You just ruined your life, asshole!

• Carl Johnson : [when taking pedestrian's money]  give me that

• Carl Johnson : [when being chased by cop]  cop asshole!

• Carl Johnson : [when being chased by cop]  you're dick

• Carl Johnson : [when taking pedestrian's money]  that's very tight

• Madd Dogg Bodyguard : [CJ kidnaps Madd Dogg's manager, and plans to bail out and dump him in the sea, with his bodyguards on his tail]  Security, the principle is being kidnapped! RESCUE HIM AT ALL COSTS!

  Madd Dogg's Manager : Who the fuck are you? Where's my usual driver? Unlock this fucking door! I can't fucking swim, you fucking psycho!

  Carl Johnson : Ah, so I've heard.

• Carl Johnson : [Catalina is shooting past his ear while chasing cowboy robbers on a quadbike]  I can't hear anything! I'm DEAF!

• Carl Johnson : [when CJ being busted]  i tell you what, 1 time, shut your butt.

• Carl Johnson : [when CJ being busted]  just shut up

• Carl Johnson : [when he hit a car]  asshole, my shit

• Carl Johnson : [when he hit a car]  ahhh G

• Carl Johnson : [the Truth has handed Carl a rocket launcher]  Holy Motherfucker! Where'd you get this!

  The Truth : I found it in a bail of Thai sticks. Shame really, I was going to make it into a lamp.

• Carl Johnson : Holy Motherfucker!

• Carl Johnson : [after hitting someone off their motorbike]  Oops, you fell!

• Carl Johnson : [declining a prostitutes invitation]  Yeah, the girl of my dreams, a crack ho.

• [Big Smoke, Sweet and Ryder are in Sweet's house] 

  Big Smoke : [to Sweet]  Hey, you gotta keep it real, man.

  Sweet Johnson : Man, nobody give a shit about the 'hood.

  Big Smoke : I do!

  Sweet Johnson : All they do is sell yay and ruin the place. No crack ever made a gang tight.

  Big Smoke : I don't know, man.

  [CJ enters] 

  Carl Johnson : Whassup, ya'll?

  Sweet Johnson : Whassup, CJ?

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : What's cracking?

  Sweet Johnson : Man, all they care about is smoking and money.

  Big Smoke : You can't knock a homie's hustle, Sweet.

  Sweet Johnson : Them marks ain't soldiers. They're idiots trying to be business men.

  Big Smoke : Yeah, but they're down with us, man.

  Sweet Johnson : All they down with is money. CJ - go down there and show these fools you mean business. these chumps from the Ballas are sweating the homies. Go put pressure on them. Just do it.

  Carl Johnson : We been putting time in the 'hood, but we gotta get the homies back together, like the old days.

  Sweet Johnson : Yeah, you right! So you and Ryder go handle your business!

  [to Big Smoke] 

  Sweet Johnson : Man, they'd slang to their own Momma. They don't care about nothing.

  Big Smoke : You're naÔve, my friend. We gotta keep our focus.

• Carl Johnson : [a motorist hits his vehicle]  You wrecked my shit!

• Carl Johnson : [a motorist hits his vehicle]  You a degenerate?

• Carl Johnson : [a motorist hits his car]  You a comedian?

• Carl Johnson : [a motorist hits his car]  My car! My fuckin' car!

• Carl Johnson : [a motorist hits his vehicle]  You hit my fuckin' ride!

• Carl Johnson : [Punching a pedestrian]  You callin' CJ a bitch?

• Carl Johnson : [Punching someone]  This gonna be easy, bitch!

• Carl Johnson : [Fighting]  Toe to toe, fool!

• Carl Johnson : [Fighting]  Oh, you think I'm a bitch, huh?

• Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Damn - this shit's fucked up.

  Carl Johnson : I see what you mean now, man. If crack can do that to Big Bear, turn him into a base slave, the average motherfucker ain't got a chance.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Damn dope fiends and drug addicts everywhere in this city. Piss me off.

  Carl Johnson : Looks like it's up to us then.

• [CJ and Woozie are in the planning room in the casino. CJ has the layout for Caligula's Casino on a board] 

  Carl Johnson : Now I know you're blind, man - but you gotta see this.

  Woozie : Very clever. So what's the prognosis? Is this just going to be extremely difficult, or next- to-impossible?

  Carl Johnson : Hear me out on this, homie. All right, the cash room is on the bottom level. There's a bunch of rooms and a tunnel under the whole building with access to the casino floors at either end of the complex. All right? Now, security consists of CCTV, a key code access and, in places, a swipe card.

  Woozie : Hey, are you pointing again?

  Carl Johnson : Oh, my bad - habit.

  Woozie : Ah, don't worry; it's good practice for when we finally get a crew in on this.

  Carl Johnson : Yeah, I know.

  [Suzie enters carrying a box] 

  Su Xi Mu : Hey boss, this arrived for CJ.

  Carl Johnson : Hey, hey hey hey! Damn, man - now he's seen the plans!

  Woozie : Well, then we've got our first recruit. Come on in and shut the door.

  [CJ opens the box that arrived for him] 

  Carl Johnson : All right, cool. This is a security card reader that Zero's sent over. Now all we need to do is get one of those cards...

  [Cut TO CJ outside the casino] 

  Carl Johnson : Luckily, there's always one guaranteed weak link in any security set up. The human heart.

• [after someone hits his car] 

  Carl Johnson : Where did you steal your license?

• [CJ, Woozie, Suzie, one of Woozie's assistants, Zero and the occupant of the room are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is standing in front of the layout of Caligula's Casino] 

  Carl Johnson : All right, here's the plan. It's all about the art of deception. While I get as much heat on me as possible, y'all get away with the green.

  Zero : Question: how does the Mafia normally move cash out of Caligula's?

  Carl Johnson : Bingo! Stripes for Mr. Zero here.

  Occupant : Ha hey! Good job, you little ass kisser!

  [pats Zero on the back] 

  Zero : [moans in pain] 

  Carl Johnson : So, we're going to steal ourselves an armoured car and re-spray it so it looks like one of their regular trucks.

  Su Xi Mu : What about the police escorts? Whenever they move cash around they use police motorcycles as outriders.

  Carl Johnson : Exactly what I was thinking. C'mon, come with me, and we're gonna go get some cop wheels...

  [Cut TO CJ and Suzie outside the casino] 

  Carl Johnson : You get the Packer, hit the Julius Thruway and keep moving.

• [CJ is in the recording studio at Madd Dogg's Crib. He is on the phone] 

  Carl Johnson : I don't care 'how', I care 'when'.

  [Toreno walks up behind CJ] 

  Carl Johnson : As in 'now'. You hear me?

  [Toreno takes the phone out of CJ's hand] 

  Carl Johnson : Hey, man, what the - ?

  Mike Toreno : Hello, boss man. Taking care of business I see.

  Carl Johnson : Toreno, fuck you. I almost lost my life out there for you.

  Mike Toreno : I've just got one tiny little thing for you to do, then I'm out of your life forever.

  [CJ pulls out a gun and points it at Toreno] 

  Carl Johnson : You know what? I'm tired of your fucking little jobs.

  Mike Toreno : Oh, will you stop? This is pathetic, come on. You're embarrassing yourself. Come on, put it down. Don't be ridiculous, OK?

  [Toreno pushes the gun down] 

  Mike Toreno : Hey, I got a little surprise for you here. You ready for this? Huh?

  Carl Johnson : [his phone rings] 

  Mike Toreno : Answer it

  [CJ answers the phone] 

  Carl Johnson : Hello?

  Sweet Johnson : Carl, it's me, Sweet.

  Carl Johnson : Aw, Sweet!

  Sweet Johnson : I don't know what happened, they just released me. No idea what's going on, but I'm in the square outside the precinct in Commerce.

  Carl Johnson : All right you hold tight, I'll be right there.

  [CJ puts the phone down] 

  Carl Johnson : So what was that little job you was talking about, Toreno?

  Mike Toreno : I just want you to go pick up your brother. Get out of here.

• Carl Johnson : [after hitting another traffic car]  Who let you out of the mental home?

• Catalina : Are you going to fight for my love?

  Carl Johnson : No. I can take rejection.

• Carl Johnson : [shooting somebody]  Welcome to America.

• [after Cesar gives CJ a silenced Colt .45] 

  Carl Johnson : Where'd you get that?

  Cesar : Same place I buy my pants, holmes. This is America!

• Carl Johnson : [after seeing a truck that is chasing them crash]  Ah, they hit a bus!

  Smoke : Ha ha ha! I'll never diss public transportation again!

• Carl Johnson : [after killing someone]  Don't blame me, blame society.

• Carl Johnson : [after killing someone]  Don't blame me, blame yourself.

• Officer Hernandez : [on the phone]  This is Officer Hernandez.

  Carl Johnson : Who?

  Officer Hernandez : Officer Hernandez. I work with Tenpenny and Pulaski.

  Carl Johnson : Oh, the bitch. What the hell you want?

  Officer Hernandez : Show me some respect, boy!

  Carl Johnson : Go fuck yourself, you're just they bitch.

  Officer Hernandez : I've got a message from Tenpenny. Don't try to leave town. That would be a big mistake.

  Carl Johnson : Whatever you say, bitch.

  [hangs up] 

• Carl Johnson : [carjacking someone]  Welcome to San Andreas, fool.

• Carl Johnson : [loses in a video game against Woozie, throws controller down and stands up]  SHIT! MAN!... HOW YOU DO THAT?

  Woozie : [laughs] 

• Carl Johnson : Why am I here?

  Mike Toreno : I just want to see what you're made of.

  Carl Johnson : What do you think I'm made of? Puddin'?

• Woozie : I have a confession to make. I... I'm blind.

  Carl Johnson : No shit.

• Carl Johnson : Woozie, you know I'm black and not Chinese, right?

  Woozie : Carl, I may be blind, but I'm not stupid.

• [on their way to San Fierro] 

  The Truth : Carl, do you know how many satellites the government has in space?

  Carl Johnson : No. How many?

  The Truth : Twenty-three. Do you know how many biblical artifacts the government is keeping at the Pentagon?

  Carl Johnson : No.

  The Truth : Twenty-three. Don't you see a pattern here?

  Carl Johnson : Man I'm seeing patterns all over the place! Get that smoke out my face.

• [Carl is about to sneak inside of an aircraft carrier] 

  Mike Toreno : Okay, Carl. Once you get in, I cannot help you.

  Carl Johnson : Can you help me now?

  Mike Toreno : Um... no actually... no

• Carl Johnson : [Toreno uses CJ to do his work]  Why won't these guys come after me?

  Mike Toreno : Oh, they can't because they're all posted on me. One DEA, one FBI, one Russian, a Cuban double agent and my pay masters. Checks and balances. Nobody is watching anybody watching nobody. You know what I mean? Go.

  Carl Johnson : Whatever, man.

• Carl Johnson : [Carl has to use an old plane]  You sure this thing is safe? I can see daylight through the floor.

  Mike Toreno : Hey, in that thing you look like an enthusiast. The US Air Force is less likely to shoot you down.

  Carl Johnson : Cool, what's the problem then?

  Mike Toreno : I said "less likely." If you did as much amphetamines as these guys did, you'd be lucky not to shoot anything that moves.

  Carl Johnson : Aw, shit.

  Mike Toreno : Hey, just stay low and you'll be fine.

• [after watching a black van drive by them] 

  Carl Johnson : C'mon, dude, what's all that about?

  The Truth : You don't want to know.

  Carl Johnson : Why?

  The Truth : Do you know what a sub-dermal neurophone is?

  Carl Johnson : A what?

  The Truth : Exactly. Sometimes its best to stay in the dark, kid.

• [Toreno is talking to CJ over a radio] 

  Carl Johnson : Where are you? You givin' me the heebie jeebies, man!

  Mike Toreno : Carl, I will ALWAYS be watching... or listening... or both.

• Mike Toreno : You know, after what you've done for me, it's like you're a pro now. I got double agents in Panama who want to put a price on your head. A Russian spy - a little, fat, Boris looking guy - he's asking for clearance to interrogate you, Russian style. Calipers on the genitals. Feels good, you'd like it.

  Carl Johnson : That ain't nothing cool, man! Just leave me alone. You're bad news!

  Mike Toreno : Don't worry about it. The Russians got bigger things to worry about than your genitals, believe me.

• [after one of Woozie's henchmen come in and put down two casino chips] 

  Woozie : One's a fake.

  Carl Johnson : That's amazing. You didn't even touch them.

  Woozie : No. I just took a guess. Why else would he come in with two chips and sound so worried?

• Carl Johnson : [jacking a car]  Isn't this what they mean by "carpool"?

• [during a cell phone conversation] 

  The Truth : Carl...

  Carl Johnson : Who is this?

  The Truth : It's me. The Truth.

  Carl Johnson : Who?

  The Truth : Perfection. They said you were a moron.

• Carl Johnson : [after killing someone]  What did you expect? This is America!

• Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.

  Carl Johnson : 'Cause you been dealin' drugs, man. Since the age of ten. Ha, ha, ha.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Ha, ha, ha. Nope. That ain't it.

  Carl Johnson : 'Cause you put your hands on that teacher for wearin' Ballas colours. Ha, ha, ha.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Ha, ha, ha. But, nope. That ain't it either. It's cause I'm too intelligent for this shit. I am the real deal fool, oh, yeah. A genius.

• Carl Johnson : [after crashing into a car]  What kind of license you got? Fishin' license?

• Carl Johnson : I'm a well-dressed maniac, fool!

• Carl Johnson : [during screen saver mode, singing off key]  Never gonna get it, never gonna get it... beyotch!

• Carl Johnson : [after fucking a prostitute]  I was incredible. You were just great.

• Catalina : I feel good today, like a woman reborn!

  Carl Johnson : Good, maybe you won't go berserk then.

  Catalina : Oh, I go berserk, but not till I really pissed.

• Carl Johnson : [after dropping Loc at his work]  I'll see you around.

  Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross : Like a 'quarter pound! Later!

• Carl Johnson : [explaining why he hates swimming]  When I was swimming in the ocean once when I was young, I got a condom stuck to my face.

• Carl Johnson : [after hitting another car]  Somebody going to be mad at you for smashing up their vehicle!

• Carl Johnson : That's going to my retirement fund

• Carl Johnson : [when colliding with another car]  I'm gonna get ugly on yo' ass, playa!

• Carl Johnson : [pointing a gun at someone]  I'm a businessman and this is my business!

• Denise Robinson : Do you want to come in for some coffee?

  Carl Johnson : You don't got no VD or nothing, do ya, bitch?

• Carl Johnson : Look, what was going on, Truth? Who was them dudes?

  Jethro : Don't go that way!

  The Truth : Listen to Jethro. Now what if I told you, we never went to the moon, JFK lives in Scotland with Janis Joplin and the only reason we've been in a Cold war for the last 45 years was because snake-headed aliens run the oil business?

  Carl Johnson : I'd think you popped another microdot.

  The Truth : Good, keep it that way.

• Carl Johnson : [Fat CJ having coffee]  Grab on that is why they call them love handles.

• Carl Johnson : [when carjaking someone]  Out

• Carl Johnson : [while carjacking someone]  Now you can buy a new one!

• [after Woozie runs into a wall and falls down] 

  Carl Johnson : What's the matter? You lost? Need a hand?

  Woozie : NO! Uh... no I was just, you know, getting the feel of the place.

• [while carjacking someone] 

  Carl Johnson : We switchin' places right now.

• Carl Johnson : [an Obese CJ punches an innocent pedestrian]  I ain't a fat bitch, bitch!

• [Toreno is telling CJ to go kill some government agents on a plane] 

  Mike Toreno : Now look, I spoke with the big man. You've got clearance to eliminate these fuckers. How's that?

  Carl Johnson : Huh, man, kill Government agents?

  Mike Toreno : Kill, schmill! Come on... don't look at it that way, will you? Think of it as pest control. It works for me.

• [after shooting someone] 

  Carl Johnson : Bang! Bang! Bang!

• [after hitting someone with your vehicle] 

  Carl Johnson : Damn! Did you buy your license?

• Mike Toreno : [sneaking up behind CJ at the airplane hangar in Verdant Meadows]  Got you again, Carl! You're half-asleep, I coulda killed you in nine different ways! Wake up and smell the coffee!

  Carl Johnson : You need to lay OFF the coffee!

• Carl Johnson : [punching someone]  I'm rich and I'm fuckin' crazy!

• Carl Johnson : [accepting a prostitute]  Moms, I'm sooo sorry about this.

• Carl Johnson : [accepting a prostitute]  Yeah, maybe we should fall in love or somethin'?

• Carl Johnson : After five years on the East Coast, it was time to home.

• Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : 'Ey, man, whatchu want?

  Carl Johnson : Seeing my homie. What's up with you?

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Eeeh, homie, jeah jeah. It's good to see you back.

  Carl Johnson : No homie love? No hug?

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Oh, fo sho', fo sho' my nigga, my bad. What's crackin' with you?

  Carl Johnson : 'Ey, man, what you strapped for?

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Man, some pizza place keeps painting over our hit up, man!

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Shit is beautiful. Teach the owner a lesson.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : He's fucking with Grove Street. You down?

  Carl Johnson : I'm always down.

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Ahhhh, jeah... Let's go, bitch.

• Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : [Ryder points gun at employee]  Give up the money! This a raid!

  The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee : Ryder! Not this again!

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : It ain't me, fool!

  The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee : No one else is that small! I feel sorry for your dad!

  Carl Johnson : Shit, you crazy! Let's get up outta here!

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Same old CJ! Busta! Straight busta!

  The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee : [Employee grabs shotgun below and starts to shoot] 

  Lance 'Ryder' Wilson : Oh, shit! RUN!

• Carl Johnson : [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone]  Lunch money.

• Carl Johnson : [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone]  I'm going to spend this on a good meal.

• Carl Johnson : [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone]  That ain't food!

• Carl Johnson : [When someone crashes into your car]  How are you allowed to drive if you're blind!

• Carl Johnson : [Fat CJ turning down coffee]  I prefer an ice cream sandwich to coffee.

• Carl Johnson : [Fat CJ accepting coffee]  Got anything to eat to?

• Carl Johnson : [Fat CJ having coffee]  Not to fast I might have a heart attack!

• Carl Johnson : [Fat CJ having coffee]  Grab on that is why they call them coffee.

• Carl Johnson : [mission: Wear Flowers in Your Head]  Look, what's going on, Truth? Who was them dudes?

  Jethro : Don't go there, man.

  The Truth : Listen to Jethro. Now, what if I told you we never went to the moon. JFK lives in Scotland with Janis Joplin, and the only reason we've been in a cold war for the last forty-five years was because snake-headed aliens run the oil business?

  Carl Johnson : I think you popped another microdot.

  The Truth : Good. Keep it that way.

• Prostitute : [Mission: Jizzy]  Ooh! What a strong pecho! Ever had half-n-half with a sucia like me?

  Carl Johnson : Yeah, go on

  Prostitute : I'll do things your ruca won't.

  Carl Johnson : I'm listening, honest!

  Prostitute : I'm no slut but I need the feria.

  Carl Johnson : Uh huh, real interesting.

  Prostitute : Whatever, puto.

• Catalina : PIG!

  Carl Johnson : Catalina is that you again?

• Carl Johnson : [Answering his cell phone]  Hey Cesar the Yeh are leaving San Fierro.

  Cesar : Right CJ but they are using bikes and they go off road.