Stella Shorts 1998-2002 (2002 Video)

Michael Ian Black: Michael

Quotes 

• John : [the guys are getting ready to burn a baby. John runs in from nowhere]  No! No!

  [grabs baby and throws it] 

  Michael Ian Black : You asshole! That was our kindling!

  Michael Showalter : Hey, nifty spiral dude. Did you play college ball?

  David Wain : What's your name?

  John : John.

  David Wain : Oh, that's, that's a beautiful name.

  Michael Ian Black : Is that Navajo?

  Michael Showalter : Hey, hey, John, John. D-D-Did you ever suck a dog's dick?

• Pizza Guy : You think I'm some sloppy wet pussy for you to fuck? Is that what you think? You think I'm some sloppy wet pussy for you to fuck?

  Michael Ian Black : I don't think that.

  Michael Showalter : I don't think that.

  David Wain : I kind of think that.

• David Wain : I'm bored.

  [grabs knife and holds it to throat] 

  Michael Showalter : David, wait!

  David Wain : But I'm bored.

  Michael : I'm bored too.

  [holds knife to David's throat] 

• Michael Showalter : I'm starving. What's for lunch?

  David Wain : Michael, there's all sorts of delicious foods to be found in the woods if you just know where to look for them. Like, take a look at this.

  [gestures to frankfurters lying on the ground] 

  Michael Showalter : Great, frankfurters! Let's make a fire and cook 'em.

  David Wain : Okay, you two go look for wood and meet back here in five minutes.

  Michael Ian Black : Okay, what are you gonna do?

  David Wain : I'm gonna stay here and rub one out.

  Michael Ian Black : Great.

• Michael Ian Black : Hey, look what I found on the street, a kitty cat.

  [holds up cat] 

  David Wain : Look at him! He's so cute!

  Michael Showalter : What's his name?

  Michael Ian Black : I thought we could call him Flava Flav.

  Michael Showalter : Oh, like the rapper?

  Michael Ian Black : No, my grandfather's name was Flava Flav.

• Michael Ian Black : [trying to rake leaves, but holding rake upside down]  It's not working!

  Michael Showalter : [putting leaves in a manila envelope]  This will take me forever. The bag is too small.

  David Wain : [raking a tree trunk]  Where are the leaves anyway? I feel like I'm in hell.

  Michael Ian Black : [Mother Nature appears]  Mother Nature!

  Michael Showalter : [whispers]  Mother of God!

  David Wain : Mother I'd like to fuck!

  Michael Ian Black : I like your jeans, Mother Nature.

  Mother Nature : How's the yard work going boys?

  Michael Showalter : Raking leaves is a lot harder than we thought it would be.

  David Wain : [holding up two wine glasses and a bottle of wine]  Would you like to have a drink with me?

  Mother Nature : [holding wine glass]  You need to be at one with nature. Maybe this will help.

  [snaps fingers] 

  Mother Nature : ["Don't Tell Me" by Madonna starts playing] 

  Michael Ian Black : Madonna!

  Michael Showalter : I love this song.

• [the guys are writing a letter to Santa] 

  Michael Showalter : Okay, here it is. Tell me what you think, you guys. Dear Santa...

  Michael Ian Black : [interrupting]  No, no, no. I mean, you're not on a first name basis with the guy.

  Michael Showalter : [crumpling letter]  Oh, God! You know what, Mike? I have just about really had it up to here with your condescension. You write it!

  Michael Ian Black : [writing letter]  Dear Kris Kringle...

  David Wain : [interrupting]  No, no, no. That's way too formal. We want him to think we're cool.

  Michael Ian Black : [crumpling letter]  Oh, just screw it, okay? I am sick to death of trying to please you, you fucking kike! You write it!

  David Wain : [writing letter]  What's up, dude?

  Michael Ian Black : Perfect.

  Santa : [cut to Santa reading the letter]  What's up, dude? These guys are pretty cool.

• Michael Showalter : Hey Mike... is that your final answer?

  David Wain : Suddenly I'm here with Regis! Right there!

  Michael Ian Black : Hey hey hey... I'd like to use a lifeline.

  Michael Showalter : Hey hey hey... don't do that. Wouldn't be prudent.

• Michael Ian Black : That was great, we should use that for STELLA.

  Michael Showalter : (turns to camera)We Just did.

• Michael Ian Black : Whoa whoa whoa hold on guys hold on. We don't want a problem here, nobody wants a problem. Now I think the way to resolve this is maybe for you and your friends to go home and suck on your momma's flabby tit. How 'bout that?

  Baseball Player #3 : Oh, you're dead... you're all dead.

  David Wain : [shouts]  You're the one who's gonna be dead, motherfucker! You're the ones, motherfucker!

• Michael Showalter : So, how was the assfucking?

  Michael Ian Black : I thought it really hurt. She cut me right in half.

• David Wain : Hey, Mike! If you need us, we're gonna be in the bedroom makin' stains.

  Girl #2 : Oh my God! He's gonna off himself!

  Michael Ian Black : Michael, this is a really bad time for this!

  Michael Showalter : Well I'm sorry.

  David Wain : Sorry's not good enough dickweed! These girls, they want us to put it in their butt.

  Michael Showalter : Fine, I'll make the coffee.

• Michael Showalter : I'm really happy for you all. I just wish my day was as good as yours.

  Michael Ian Black : Well that's your problem. Fuck you!

• Michael : What is truth?

  Michael Showalter : A leaf on a tree.

  Michael : The sound of waves hitting the side of a boat.

  David Wain : I can suck my own dick!