User Reviews

I'm serious, I learnt a lot from Boa Vs Python: - Bulgaria looks a lot like 24 miles outside Philadelphia.

• Multi-millionaire businessmen with their own private jets spend their free time at amateur-level wrestling matches where the wrestlers dress up in coloured masks. The businessman is more than willing to pay 500 US dollars for a seat though.

• You have to show a beautiful girl disrobing three times, and stepping into the bath three times, before the audience can understand that she is taking a bath. Some of the shots are in slow motion to allow the even slower audience members to catch on in time.

• Multiple sticks of dynamite, causing an explosion roughly 80 feet high and 15 feet wide, is not quite enough to blow up two cars and a truck, but it will partially destroy one of the cars, leaving it on fire. Police, the FBI and the Fire Brigade will make no attempt to put out such fires, even 8-12 hours after the explosion.

• The television will un-mute itself when an answer to a rich man's conundrum is on the news.

• Multi-millionaire businessmen watch local news channels from cities that they're not even from, while flying 39,000 feet in the air.

• 80 feet long snakes that have the diameter of over 3 feet, can get through holes in doors roughly a third of that size.

• Philadelphia sheriffs trip over and fall onto corpses at a crime scene, but this presents no problem of any kind.

• The worlds foremost marine research scientist is a blonde girl in her late 20s with breast implants, who likes taking off her bikini underwater to win money.

• Guys who want to take their singlet off, while at the pool, don't just take it off. They put it on, so that they rip it off, and throw it away.

• Even though you can clearly see the bottom of a pool that's 2 metres (6½ feet) deep, when people stand on the floor of that pool, their actions are completely unknown to onlookers.

• Leading research scientists repeatedly tap on the glass of a snake's cage out of interest as to see what it will do.

• An FBI agent can't find a 70-foot long Boa in a room about 30x18 feet, because 70-foot Boas find it very easy to hide in medium sized rooms.

• Leading research scientists who have breast implants just happen to make sensor pads for animals, which are constantly referred to as implants by the research scientist. She doesn't appear to realise the cheap gag nature of her comments until a man uses the phrase "equipment", in which case she suddenly pauses, smiles to herself, and he has to avert all talk from topics that could be perceived to be relating to her upper chest.

• One of the world's richest hunters cannot drive properly. Neither can his son. They can't shoot very well at all, either. Or throw a grenade more than 5 metres. And despite being overly rich, they drive a 90s model Volvo.

• A girl cannot tell the difference between being licked by a 6ft tall male, and being licked by an 80-foot python with a mouth about 20 times the size of the male.

• All sentences in front page news articles are condensed into one paragraph.

• Newspaper photos do not have captions, and are never larger than 6cm by 6cm.

• Members of the U.S. Army randomly, and in a very monotone voice, say "Ready-to-kick-some-ass-Sir" ... to an FBI agent. No commanding officers are present when national security is at stake.

• Some people can't tell the difference between a pig and an 80-foot long python.

• Members of the U.S. Army can't find a 70-foot Boa in an underground room, even when it screams every couple of seconds.

• When there's "not a second to spare", leading scientists make jokes about cross-breed snake sex.

• When the military's best sniper says "one shot, one kill", he means "two shots, one kill".

• The best way to save your girlfriend from being crushed by a 70 foot boa, is to randomly aim your flamethrower at the boa's face, even if it is all of 1 foot from your girlfriend.

• Wanted fugitives are never handcuffed, but they are allowed to easily slip into a tank and drive it away from a military base. With a flamethrower, of course.

• The U.S. military trusted a rocket launcher to one of its soldiers, who couldn't hit a tank going at less than 20 miles an hour (32 km/hour) from 30 feet distance - directly behind the tank, no less.

• To make sure that the audience knows that the scene has changed to a club, show at least one minute of naked body-painted dancers.

• When a wanted fugitive starts attacking armed members of the army with a flame thrower, they don't shoot him. Instead, they run towards the flames, even after three have burnt to death.

• A huge snake can't barge through metal bars being held by two people, but it can utterly destroy a concrete wall.

• After someone one has been killed, ripped into two bits and thrown around, they can still let out one last scream.

• Creating subway stations entirely in CGI makes a movie climax so much more interesting.

Honestly, you should show this movie to aspiring doctors and lawyers. The knowledge they will gain will pay dividends in the future. No other film can teach you the facts about all these things that you didn't previously know were true.

A few things I learned from Boa vs Python:

1. When you get your women naked right off the top (and what good film maker wouldn't)... make sure that they scrub down with dish soap and a plain orange sponge in as sexy as way as humanly possible.

2. To show tension in a forest scene when a large, unseen predator is disturbing the local animal life: Go to your local pet store and folly in the sound of budgies squawking. This will REALLY pull off the effect that something ain't right in them woods!!! Besides, most woods outside Philly are CRAWLING with budgies. Or was it Pittsburg? Okay... if it was Pittsburg... my mistake. Those woods are rampant with pets.

2a. Garter Snakes squeak when you chuck 'em around. Bet you didn't know that, all you Animal Planet loving people, did you! Don't let small things like facts get in the way of the action.

2c. People who work with dolphins, spend time with dolphins, all that jazz... you know... animal people... the first thing they'll do when they encounter a snake in a glass tank is, pretty obviously, start rapping on the glass. That stuff you hear about "never knock on the glass" when you're a pet stores and zoos... well, they're making that up. It NEVER startles or deafens the animals. That's why people in movies who are supposed to be in the field of zoology do it. They know that it's a made-up rule of thumb. And it's a good set-up to a damn funny joke.

3. Even multi-millionaires who hunt ridiculously large animals for sport have their problems. For example: When transporting said large animals, rent a truck to do it in. Because when you have your own jet (with a BATHTUB!!!) you probably don't own trucks. Make sure that you get the truck with the modified ridiculously large animal transport container.

3a. When the ridiculously large animal escapes (and how could it not???) show the human side of your millionaire by having a customer service rep from the trucking company CALL your millionaire to inform him of the problem. When your millionaire demands answers, have the CSR tell him that she'll have to get her supervisor. Hey... when you're globe-trotting on your own jet, you DO make all these arrangements yourself with your local truck rental dealer.

4. Get in touch with those emotional back-stories with lines to the effect of: "Gee, to try and find a cure for snake poison... you must have some incredible psychological reason for doing that!" Really, the audience will thank you for getting straight to the exposition.

5. It doesn't matter that the two "teens" who are making out in a car look like a mother and son making out in a car. No one will notice! Besides, they're just snake fodder anyway! Gee... there must be some deep seated Freudian reason for this... Cue exposition.

6. SAVE MONEY ON CGI. All you have to do is "suggest" that a large snake is roaming around peoples feet by showing them "reacting" to it. So what if sometimes you show a scene where a snake SHOULD be and isn't. As long as you have actors to act like one is there, the audience will fill in the blank.

7. People don't need to see some actors faces. Especially when they're minor characters... like second in command of an elite group of FBI agents. Minor character... handful of lines... have her deliver them AWAY from the camera. That way we really connect! And it saves time with the ADR.

8. Always... ALWAYS... end your movie in a subway station. Even if you have to jump from a rave DIRECTLY AND WITH SOME SORT OF MAGIC to the subway station... ALWAYS end it there...

9. Be sure to set up for the sequel! Don't be too obvious. Make sure you give them special, fancy, snake fighting clothes! It looks tres cool.

10. On the cover of the DVD... ALWAYS, and I mean always... show a helicopter firing missiles at two large, fighting snakes. It doesn't matter if your movie has nothing like that in there. The cover for Citizen Kane shows a guy making a speech or something... and I'm pretty sure that's not in there... oh wait... it is??? F@CK!

So... all in all... I actually recommend seeing this movie. In the right setting, you'll laugh your arse sore. Just keep in mind that if this was SUPPOSED to be a comedy... or if you actually fixed all the stuff I mentioned above... this would be just another gigantic, steamy pile of boring crap.

** HERE MIGHT BE SPOILERS **

Businessman Broddick (Kendrick) and his girlfriend Eve (Boris) is setting up a big game hunt for rich people. The object of their hunt, a gigantic python. However, the python escapes and start killing people and wrecking havoc outside Philadelphia. Agent Sharpe (Woller) is in charge of the authorities hunt and recruit Monica (Bergman) and snake-specialist Emmet (Hewlett). His plan is to use Emmet's equally giant boa, equip it with Monica's sensor implants, and set it loose to search for the python, so he and his team can go in and capture both the boa and python. At the same time, Broddick and Eve assembles their own team of hunters. The two teams then start the hunt unbeknownst of each other. And the two giant snakes hunt everything that moves.

First, let me point out, the plot is silly. And unfortunately the computer graphics of the two giant snakes are at some points really bad. The cast, neither very famous nor completely unknown, is actually better than I expected, without really turning in an awesome performance. I guess it is hard in a movie like this. Then there are the other effects which also is better than expected. Also a positive surprise, is the effort put into extras and so, actually bringing the army to more than a jeep and four soldiers. So, it is not all bad, however all nice efforts by both cast and producers is in vain, because the plot is not at all good.

4/10

This movie sucks big time. Let me start off by saying the acting was absolutely terrible. Go to acting school. You're worse than Hilary Duff. After you get over the acting the special effects of the snakes are very terrible. I was laughing every time the snakes were on screen. And there are some plot holes too like... the runner of the big snake hunt says he's only inviting the rich and powerful, but dad and son arrive in a station wagon saying "Wife got the truck". That son and dad were the worse actors in this dreadful movie. That's saying something. The only good part of the movie was when that chick in the beginning of the film was washing naked in slow-mo. That was awesome. Other than that this movie sucked big time. Stay away. You'll never get over watching this film if you don't.

Rating 2/10

There are some things that just have to be seen to be believed and this is definitely one of them. The plot goes rocketing off the dumb o meter with its cheaply rendered giant snakes being stalked by a ridiculous assortment of (mostly) porn actors who've been given their first 'proper' part in a 'real' film. No doubt all of them have since reprised their former roles, though I doubt that even the porn industry would take them back after this. That this movie was even conceived beggars belief. That it was actually MADE for what must have been at least a couple of million dollars (about 10 of which were spent on the special effects)is frankly disturbing. Having said that, it is essential viewing. You are unlikely to see so many mistakes being made on this scale ever again...and on a few transcendent occasions a genuine B Movie effect is achieved. The fact is though, that this film sucks so badly that there will be no air left in the universe by the time you finish watching it.

this film is terrible. utter crap it the only way to describe this movie i don't no what the person who wrote it was thinking or smoking but what ever it is they need to stop! just take a look at the photo you can see how bad it is and if your not convinced by that just read what its about. what was the director thinking when this script came across his desk did he think it would be amazing. well the straight to video realise of it should tell him that what ever he is doing he should stop! the 37 people who voted this movie a 10 if you wasn't joking then you need to be kicked of this web site because its obvious that u don't no what your talking about and you would be the last people i would ever come to for movie advise.

I was looking forward to this movie, because I loved Python and thought Boa was okay. Unfortunately, these are two completely new snakes, and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with Boa (aka New Alcatraz), Python, or Python 2 (although that may be a good thing considering how much that one sucked). It does keep the spirit of Python 1 alive, being rather tongue-in-cheek and not taking itself too seriously like Python 2 did. Also, the cover is LIES. The snakes fight for about 10 minutes. There's plenty of other stuff happening, but when the movie is called Boa vs. Python you wanna see a Boa fighting a Python dangit! Still a fun movie, but don't expect the kind of action the cover promises.