Green Wing (2004–2007)
Stephen Mangan: Dr. Guilaume Secretan, Dr. Guillaume Secretan
Photos
Quotes
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Sue White : Yes?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I haven't asked the question yet.
Sue White : Yes.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Is the answer?
Sue White : What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Is yes the answer?
Sue White : Is the question.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : But is yes the answer? Take a gamble.
Sue White : I don't know, is it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Take a gamble.
Sue White : No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No is the answer?
Sue White : No is the answer. Yes is never the answer.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : So no is the answer?
Sue White : No is the answer.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : So if I were to say, are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me, then your answer is no?
Sue White : Do you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you want to just have, do you want to just fuck me now? Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna just get your cock out and fuck me now? How about that, yeah? Shall we, here... on the table? Yeah, how about whopping it up my ass, what about that Mr. Secretan? Not Doctor... but Mister. Yeah? One above Doctor, how about that yeah? Mr. Secretan whopping up the staff liaison's ass.
[pause]
Sue White : So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that, 'kay?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Not sure I can stand up.
Sue White : No? Well I'll leave for a few moments, shall I?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : OK. Shut the door.
Sue White : OK.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : That's how I remembered your name when I first met you.
Dr. Macartney : What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Massively annoying chap.
Dr. Macartney : Massively annoying chap?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah. Mac. I was going to say Massively Annoying...
[scene cuts]
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [to Sue White] Do you know what I like about you?
[pause]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Fuck all.
[leaves]
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yes, I've died and gone to heaven, females are fighting over their pants. They're going to rip each other's clothes off!
Boyce : I'm getting a semi.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Semi? What's wrong with you boy, I'm like a flagpole!
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Dr. Martin Dear : She's my smoo too!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : She's your smoo? And my smoo!
Dr. Martin Dear : What are we going to do?
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Sue White : Dr Secretan... are you ok?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [sobbing] Don't touch me.
Sue White : And you're hiding in the coats because?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I feel safe here... It reminds me of...
Sue White : Being locked up when you were a boarding school boy for being caught tampering with your down belows?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yep... No! I just wanted some space - would you just go away?
Sue White : No. Now what's the problem? I'm here to help, to listen, to soothe.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : My mother's womb is no more.
Sue White : Oh, dear. Hysterectomy?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No, she died when I was very young. Left me motherless and now my life is just a shambles without her and it's getting worse... I mean, look at my eyes
Sue White : There's nothing wrong with your eyes... you have very nice eyes. If a little on the pokey side.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Don't be nice to me!
Sue White : Oh, all right! Pull yourself together you cretinous Fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people's coats? Rocking and whinging to themselves? I'll tell you what sort of a man... a self centered, egotistical wankbot. Now unhook yourself... and stop being so weak. Men don't cry. They are strong hunter-gatherers! So go hunt, go gather and be a total *cunt* because that's what you do best!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [shouts] Fuck you! You ugly bitch... Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?
Sue White : Well, I am tempted because I'm all fired up. But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Kissing in the toilet?
Dr. Caroline Todd : Yes... who sang Kissing In The Toilets in 1978?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Er... was it a young George Michael?
Dr. Caroline Todd : Yes.
[leaves]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Fucking hell, that was a guess!
[sings]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Kissing in the toilet - don't flush, it's lush...
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
Dr. Macartney : That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You - are a *gingre*.
Dr. Macartney : I am a *fraise-blonde*.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night... blew a monkey on a dog.
Dr. Macartney : Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No, a monkey, it's fifty sheets.
Terry : Five hundred.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Really? So what's a pony?
Dr. Macartney : It's kind of a small horse...
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Dr. Macartney : So tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : What?
Dr. Macartney : It's a blouse, isn't it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Fuck off, it's designer.
Dr. Macartney : What, Laura Ashley?
-
[Guy has let slip that he was a bridesmaid at the age of five]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : It was a turn of phrase!
Dr. Macartney : Turn of gender?
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[Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"
Dr. Macartney : Maison!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?
Dr. Martin Dear : No, not really.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Good. Go!
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Dr. Macartney : [Guy has drunkenly stolen an ambulance. Mac is on the phone to the police] He's definitely becoming more rational. It's just that he had a shock recently. He had sex with his Mother.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Don't tell them that!
Dr. Macartney : [to Guy] Why, it's not a crime.
[Listens to the phone]
Dr. Macartney : Oh, it is! Apparently you can get seven years.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : This is you trying to talk someone out of a suicidal depression, is it?
Dr. Macartney : I'm just giving them the mitigating circumstances for joyriding.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Joyriding! Does it look like I'm enjoying it?
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [critiques Martin's wine at the party] Pure tramp juice! I know, you were standing in the offy saying "I know I should bring a Chablis but it's only a party". Vin du Pays for what you get and what you get is shite!
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Dr. Caroline Todd : I always thought those kinds of schools were so cruel. You think of these poor kids left in front of those large, cold Victorian buildings with all their luggage, crying.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : That's rubbish because... my school was Edwardian.
Dr. Caroline Todd : They don't know anyone, they don't know where they're supposed to go. What kind of parents would do that to their child?
Dr. Macartney : Guy's.
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Dr. Macartney : Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.
Dr. Martin Dear : Funk-ee!
Dr. Macartney : Funk-eh!
Dr. Martin Dear : Funk-ee!
Dr. Macartney : No, funk-eh!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [scary voice] Funkehh!
-
[Dr Secretan comes into Sue's office with a small boy under his arm]
Sue White : What's this?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : It's a kid. Um, what do they eat?
Sue White : Is it lost?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No. I borrowed it from someone because I'm trying to pull and apparently women love it.
[pause]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Is it doing anything for me?
Sue White : No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [he puts the child down on Sue's desk] Here, you have it.
[he leaves]
Sue White : [looks at the child less than enthusiastic] Er, hello.
toddler : Hello.
Sue White : Hello. Umm... do you, do you want one of these?
[she pulls a lolly out of a drawer]
toddler : Yes, please.
[holds out a hand towards the lolly]
Sue White : [pulls the lolly away] Well, you can't have it.
-
[Sue has bought Guy at the slave auction since Mac wasn't available]
Sue White : Right, now, you are my slave and I can make you do anything I want you to, Dr Secretan.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah, within reason.
Sue White : Well, not necessarily.
[she pulls a red curly wig out of her bag]
Sue White : Right, for instance, pop this on.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : What?
Sue White : Go on, slave, pop that on!
[Guy puts the wig on reluctantly]
Sue White : Oohh, good, just, er, you know, suck your cheeks in.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Why?
Sue White : Just do it! Just pretend you've got cheekbones.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Right, okay...
[he does as he is told]
Sue White : And say "Hello, Sue".
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Hello, Sue.
Sue White : [she moans] ..."I'm Dr McCartney"...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I'm Dr... ahhhhh. Oh, I'm not saying it, oh, for God's sake!
Sue White : Yeah, touch my bottom! Touch! Touch it!
[Guy grabs it reluctantly]
Sue White : Haaaahhhh, ahhoh, hihhihi...!
[she giggles girlishly]
Sue White : Well, let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? Shall we? It's nice, isn't it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Oh, it's great.
Sue White : Nice showroom, this, isnt it? Not too busy for a Saturday? Like this one? Shall we? Shall we buy it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yes, let's buy it, darling.
Sue White : Oooohhh, okay!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I could see my white puny body draped across it. I can see my ginger pubes collecting in the cracks.
Sue White : Can you? Oh stop it! Ohhh, in my crack! Collecting in my crack! Oh, lovely! Oooooohhh, you lovely thing!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich.
-
Dr. Macartney : You know what you need? You need a system. Like I used mnemonics when I was revising.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, alright...
[points to parts of his head as he names the bones]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal.
Dr. Martin Dear : Jesus, how did you remember that?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I just took a simple everyday phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.
Dr. Macartney : Go on then, what is it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Foreign politicians often zing stereotypical tunes, mayday, mayday, Venezuela, neck.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [In the operating theatre. Martin has failed his exams again] Maybe he's not cut out to be a Doctor. Maybe he's cut out to be a nurse, I mean they can be as thick as pigshit!
[a kidney-bowl flies right into his face with a loud clang]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Ow!
Support Nurse : Sorry!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You should be with someone... less nice!
Dr. Caroline Todd : Go away and think about how little sense that makes.
-
Dr. Caroline Todd : That's not what I knew, actually. I just had some frankly weak material about an embarrassing middle name. I didn't know any of that stuff.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Ah.
Dr. Caroline Todd : I do now, though. What a lot of things I know. I'm a walking encyclopedia...
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : And I found my number crumpled up in her hand on the page of a novel. That's what L'Air du Temps means to me.
Joanna Clore : If you fancy a **** just say so!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : It won't go any further.
Dr. Caroline Todd : I think I may have to kill you.
-
Dr. Macartney : [bangs Guy's head against lockers] Say it!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Je suis desole...
Dr. Macartney : [bangs Guy's head] In English!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Martin I'm s... I'm s... I'm s... sorry I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.
[Martin pulls Guy's lip]
Dr. Macartney : Now hug.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan , Dr. Martin Dear : What?
Dr. Macartney : I said hug.
[there is no reaction]
Dr. Macartney : FUCKING HUG!
[Guy and Martin hug very awkwardly but break apart when Mac walks away. He turns back]
Dr. Macartney : I said hug!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [on Martin's new party outfit] Oh look, it's the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla. What are you, the eighth dwarf, Twatty? You know, even if you were from the future you'd still be wrong. Actually do you know what I like about this outfit? Fuck all.
[sucks the spikes on his shoulders]
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I could happily kill everyone with a baseball cap.
Dr. Macartney : One baseball cap?
-
Dr. Martin Dear : No, actually, it's a note and it's quite hard.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Suicide note?
Dr. Martin Dear : No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Shame.
-
Dr. Angela Hunter : Martin's got his result.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Is it terminal?
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Oh, what are you scared about Marty?
Dr. Martin Dear : Oh, er, well, er, failing my exams again and everyone I know realising what a loser I am and always will be, and losing any self-esteem that I ever had, and hating myself and being myself for the rest of my life.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Fair enough.
Dr. Martin Dear : Still, I suppose everyone feels like that about exams, don't they?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Er, no. Not me.
Dr. Martin Dear : Why not?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Ooh, let me see. Is it because exams are easy peasy lemon squeezy or I'm brilliant? It's both! See, the Secretans have never been a home to self-doubt, I have no idea what you're feeling.
Dr. Martin Dear : Well, it's bloody horrible.
[Martin puts on his doctor's coat. A tiger tail is pinned to the back. Guy notices]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Erm, Martin.
Dr. Martin Dear : What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Nothing.
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Dr. Macartney : The smell of her perfume mingling with her skin, her bodily fluids, her shampoo... which all come together to make...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : A dirty minging woman, trust the bloody French to make it sound romantic.
-
Dr. Martin Dear : It is for a good cause.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I don't do good causes, OK? A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise fucking money for medical equipment.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [in operating theatre] What? Does it say no smoking?
[bad Geordie accent]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Does it say no smoking? Which way to the dole office? Do you know I'm unemployed and I have a mullet?
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Buggering wank!
Dr. Macartney : No, no, don't tell me the Swiss water polo team lost again!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Do you think you could kill somebody out of work?
Dr. Macartney : What, kill an unemployed person?
-
Dr. Martin Dear : You know, I've never really even touched anyone that attractive.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Well, I don't mind you touching my arm if you want.
Dr. Martin Dear : Oh, it's not quite the same is it?
-
Dr. Macartney : [into phone] He had sex with his mother.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Don't tell them that!
Dr. Macartney : Why not?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Jesus, what's wrong with you?
Dr. Macartney : Why not, it's not a crime!
[listens into phone]
Dr. Macartney : Oh, it is? Wow. Apparently you can get up to seven years...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : This is you talking someone out of a suicidal depression?
-
Dr. Martin Dear : I'm not your slave!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You've been misinformed.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Oi, I made up a song, it goes -
[sings]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : who's the man? Who's the man? Is Guy the man? Yes yes I am!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I feel safe here. It reminds me of...
Sue White : Being locked away as a boarding-school boy for tampering with your down-belows?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yep... No!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [holding a keyboard singing] Mackenzie, gonna get the finger, cos his daddy, so freaky ginger.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Foreign Politicians often zing stereotypical tunes. Mayday! Mayday! Venezuela neck.
-
Dr. Caroline Todd : But what if you were being chased by the hounds, and you knew you had cubs that needed you back at the den?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Well, I'd just move on, find another Supervixen and start again.
Dr. Caroline Todd : Yes, I think you would, wouldn't you? Shall we get going, then?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah, but that was all hypothetical. Anyway I'm going back for them.
Dr. Caroline Todd : Oh, it's too late for that. The hounds tore them all to shreds!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : NO! NO! My cubs! My cubs! Dead! How could this happen! AHHH!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [Martin has failed his exams, and Secretan is mercy-killing him with an arcade game's gun] I'll shoot him in the brains when I find them!
-
Boyce : Guy, Mac's awake. He's come out of his coma, Guy.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : That's great, if he's out of his coma, then I haven't murdered anybody!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : So, are you sure you understand the spoooon of destiny?
Dr. Macartney : I do understand the spoooon of destiny.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [Amnesty International's "Secret Policeman's Ball" 2006, to audience member] Did you go to a Comprehensive?
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Dr. Caroline Todd : You said you had a Spare Room, that was a lie!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I have a Spore Room! I collect Spores from around the World.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No! Now he won't be able to eat asparagus!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : My Mother's Womb is no more...
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [walking around crying, to self] We fight the rampaging hoardes/ something something something/ Of our destiny we are Lords/ For Whitleaf School/ shall fight as one/ Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! What are you looking at? Pleb!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Just think of the bones and the phrase will come back!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : My Father was one of the Gnomes of Zurich.
Joanna Clore : What, really short?
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [pretending to be Sue] I'm mad and I'm Scottish, I'm mad and I'm Scottish...
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Goths! It's genius how they make it look like they're ugly on purpose.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Had that one Front and Back.
-
Dr. Martin Dear : [Cliff edge Ambulance] I'll sacrifice myself! My legs are gone, anyway!
Dr. Macartney : No!
[Aside to Guy]
Dr. Macartney : Is it Karen? Karen wouldn't want you to.
Dr. Martin Dear : Well, you can't go because you've got Carol, it'll have to be Guy!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Wait I've got stuff to live for too! I can't die, I can't die... until I remember the name of the Last Muskateer!
Dr. Martin Dear : Athos!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Oh yeah...
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [Card Game] It's another Tarot, Caro...
-
Dr. Macartney : You're part of my Team!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You're part of my Anus!
-
Dr. Macartney : Not the Hands!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Not the Hair!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Not the Face!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Martin's having a wank in the cupboard!
Dr. Martin Dear : I'm not!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I can't tell you that.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Why are they always sick?
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : The information is in my mind. It exists.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Right, you're getting my best moves!
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Go and have a hand-shandy, go on.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [trying to Charm the Canteen Staff] Well, you look... fit...
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Pikey! The earrings are a giveaway!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : That's nice, what is it?
Sue White : Umbilical Cords.
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You're not a real man until you've got some blood on your sword.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Sex for Everyone!
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [Deleted scene] I don't know, I'm not a Psychologist!
Dr. Caroline Todd : Me neither, but I know a big heap of steaming bullshit when I see it!
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Why are you masturbating your ear?
-
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I took the bitch home, took the bitch home, took the bitch home... Last Night!
-
Dr. Macartney : Well?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Well what, you scrawny poof?
[Mac pushes Guy's head into a bowl of cornflakes]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [through cornflakes] You're not a poof! You're not a poof!
[Mac pulls Guy's head up again]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You're not a poof!
Dr. Macartney : And?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : And - you are a poof!
[Mac empties the bowl over Guy's head]
