Clerks II (2006)
Jason Mewes: Jay
Photos
Quotes
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Jay : You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah. Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien lifeform... and fuck it. And people'd be like, "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."
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Randal Graves : [Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell] Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.
Jay : Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.
Randal Graves : Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite.
[Silent Bob points and nods in agreement]
Randal Graves : What do you think, Dante?
Dante Hicks : [Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars] I think I'm gonna kill you!
Jay : What up, steel cage match!
Dante Hicks : You ruined my life!
Randal Graves : Your life was already ruined!
[shoves Dante away]
Randal Graves : Jesus!
Dante Hicks : What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?
Randal Graves : It was your going away present!
Dante Hicks : [sarcastic] Sure was! I never thought I'd be going away to prison!
Sexy Stud : Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration. Hey!
[as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars]
Sexy Stud : I miss my donkey.
Dante Hicks : I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict
Randal Graves : Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!
Jay : You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Ew!
Randal Graves : [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?
Dante Hicks : [at Jay] Would you shut up?
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Elias : Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves : No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.
Elias : I don't really want to hear this Randal.
Randal Graves : The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
Elias : You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.
Randal Graves : [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!
Jay : [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site
Randal Graves : Late that night I awoke from my sleep.
Jay : Hearing! Unknown! Voices!
Randal Graves , Jay : Laughing insane!
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Elias : Whoo! We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!
Dante Hicks : Oh my God, is Elias hammered?
Jay : Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk!
Elias : Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love a lot of pussy!
Jay : [looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!
[Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors]
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Becky : [on the roof about to teach Dante how to dance] Hey, Twelve-Step!
[Jay looks around confused]
Becky : Jay!
Jay : [looks up] Lord?
Becky : Up here, jackass.
Jay : [moves so he can see her] What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first! Lemme find out.
Becky : You still got your boombox?
[Silent Bob comes out with the boombox]
Becky : Play something and turn it way up.
[disappears, then comes back]
Becky : Something danceable!
Dante Hicks : Up here? Are you serious? You're gonna teach me to dance up here?
Becky : What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?
Dante Hicks : What customers?
Becky : Shut up. Come over here. Okay, get ready for the music. You feel it... here. Here it comes.
[Heavy Metal begins to play. Jay and Silent Bob headbang and dance furiously]
Becky : Something a little less demonic, please?
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Jay : [Emma parks her SUV and gets out. Jay and Silent Bob stand in front of the graffiti on the side of the Mooby's - "Eat pussy."] Oh, we *totally* do.
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Jay : [after Silent Bob hands Jay a Redbull, Jay drinks it and kicks it in the air] Get the FUCK outta here!
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Randal Graves : [to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.
Jay : [to Silent Bob] Yeah, right.
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Jay : You know, sometimes I wish I'd done a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places, selling weed and shit. Like maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe be an astronaut. Yeah. And be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy. Or find a new alien life form... And fuck it. And people would be like "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a martian once."
[Silent Bob looks at him weirdly, before two teenage drug buyers start to approach them]
Jay : Holy shit out first customers since our triumph of return, act cool.
Teen #1 : You guys holdin'?
Jay : Yeah, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.
Teen #2 : What?
Teen #1 : How about a nicklebag?
Jay : [Improvised rapping] Oh, fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand. Nong-nong-nonga-nonga-nong-nong.
[Teen #2 gives Silent Bob $15, who exchanges it for a nicklebag of weed]
Teen #1 : So, ahh, haven't seen you guys in a while. Where've you been all this time?
Jay : Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car. We're cruising down to the boardwalk, fuckin' middle-town cop pulls us over for suspicion of mischief.
Teen #1 : What the fuck's that mean?
Jay : Drivin' around with a deployed airbag. Cops pull us over, they find two pounds of Jamaican Landswolf. Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime but the judge gives us rehab instead.
Teen #1 : Shit, rehab?
Jay : Yep yep.
Teen #2 : How long were you in?
Jay : Six months, sir. We got six months and two days on the wagon, as a good friend of Bill W's. Check it out.
[Holds up rehab token]
Jay : Just got it two days ago, before we got out.
Teen #2 : Yeah but if you're holdin' all the time, aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?
Jay : Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.
[Silent Bob holds up a Holy Bible]
Teen #2 : Is that a fucking Bible?
Jay : Hey, hey, the Holy fucking Bible, son.
Teen #2 : [to Teen #1] What the fuck kinda song-bird Jesus-freak dealers d'you bring me to?
Teen #1 : I like them, man. They're funny.
Teen #2 : They're fuckin' stupid.
Jay : You should read your Bible, sirs. You'll find all types of weird shit in there. Like did you know Jesus was a Jew?
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Dante Hicks : I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.
Randal Graves : Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"
Jay : [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?
Randal Graves : [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?
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Jay : [dancing to "Goodbye, Horses"] Would you fuck me?... I'd fuck me... I'd fuck me hard...
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Randal Graves : You guys would be willing to lend us some of that money, so we could reopen the stores?
Jay : Sure, on two conditions. One, we can hang out in front of the store any time we want and you can't call the cops. And two, you have to blow each other and we get to watch. Then, you have to go ass to mouth.
[Dante, Randal, and Silent Bob give Jay a weirded out look]
Jay : Alright, just the first condition.
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Jay : That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.
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Jay : What kinda sick fuck gets turned on watching a guy fuck a donkey?
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Jay : I was outside taking a piss when I heard the news, congrats!
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Jay : [while eating food that has piss and flies] This tastes like piss and flies, doesn't it?
Silent Bob : [nods]
