Clerks II (2006)
Brian O'Halloran: Dante
Photos
Quotes
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Randal Graves : What? What is the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to say porch monkey?
Becky : Oh, I don't know, since forever?
Randal Graves : Why?
Dante Hicks : Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!
Randal Graves : No it's not! Nigger is.
Dante Hicks : Randal!
Elias : Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky : Shut up, Elias!
Randal Graves : I did not just call Dante a nigger, I just said that 'nigger' is a racial slur.
Dante Hicks : So is porch monkey!
Randal Graves : Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; *Those* are racial slurs! Porch monkey is not!
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Randal Graves : [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you.
Dante Hicks : I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me.
Randal Graves : Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.
Dante Hicks : Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?
Randal Graves : Well, I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!
Dante Hicks : The most likeliest of scenarios.
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Dante Hicks : What's the matter with you?
Randal Graves : What did I do now?
Dante Hicks : There's a crippled guy who found a way to reach out to a world he feels isolated from and you somehow found a way to take issue with him.
Randal Graves : Sure, take his side.
Dante Hicks : Have you become so embittered that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?
Randal Graves : What handicap? They guy's just in a wheelchair, it's not like he's Anne Frank or something.
Dante Hicks : Anne Frank?
Randal Graves : Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick that was all duhhh, till the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.
Dante Hicks : You're talking about Helen Keller.
Randal Graves : No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.
Dante Hicks : No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.
Randal Graves : Are you sure?
Dante Hicks : Yup.
Randal Graves : Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?
Dante Hicks : Anne Frank's the little girl who hid from the Nazis in a secret room with her family; she wrote a diary.
Randal Graves : Oh, yeah. Well, then I guess this guy is like Anne Frank with the diary and all.
Dante Hicks : No, he's like Helen Keller with the handicap, you jerk!
Randal Graves : You always gotta be right, don't you? You Nazi douchebag.
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Dante Hicks : You're chaos incarnate, man. Our whole lives, you've been getting me into trouble and holding me back!
Randal Graves : Oh, I'm holding you back, right? I remember like 10 years ago, the night we went to Julie Dwyer's funeral, you were all like "I need to shit or get off the pot!"
Dante Hicks : YOU said 'shit or get off the pot', not me.
Randal Graves : You got all fired up about taking charge of your life and what did you do? You worked at the store 'til the place burned down.
Dante Hicks : I took courses that broke down!
Randal Graves : And dropped out!
Dante Hicks : Because you stopped going!
Randal Graves : Because we were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the fuck were we training to be, Batman?
[Jay and Silent Bob smile at each other]
Dante Hicks : At least, we were doing something instead of wasting our lives in some fucking convenience store!
Randal Graves : You know what, you can bad mouth Quick Stop all you want, but I miss that place! I loved working there! I look back at that period as the best time of my life!
Dante Hicks : [scoffs] Now I know you're fucking nuts.
Randal Graves : Why? Because I enjoyed what I did? I got to watch movies, fuck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend all day. Can you think of a better way to make a living? Yeah, maybe it's not what everyone does, but it was pretty fucking good!
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Randal Graves : [Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell] Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.
Jay : Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.
Randal Graves : Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite.
[Silent Bob points and nods in agreement]
Randal Graves : What do you think, Dante?
Dante Hicks : [Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars] I think I'm gonna kill you!
Jay : What up, steel cage match!
Dante Hicks : You ruined my life!
Randal Graves : Your life was already ruined!
[shoves Dante away]
Randal Graves : Jesus!
Dante Hicks : What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?
Randal Graves : It was your going away present!
Dante Hicks : [sarcastic] Sure was! I never thought I'd be going away to prison!
Sexy Stud : Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration. Hey!
[as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars]
Sexy Stud : I miss my donkey.
Dante Hicks : I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict
Randal Graves : Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!
Jay : You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Ew!
Randal Graves : [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?
Dante Hicks : [at Jay] Would you shut up?
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Randal Graves : Since when did porch monkey suddenly become a racial slur?
Dante Hicks : When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago!
Randal Graves : Oh, bullshit! My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors!
Dante Hicks : Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur! It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike!
Randal Graves : Oh, it is not. Plus, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid she told me to always treat the Jewish kids with the utmost respect, or they'd put the sheni curse on me.
Dante Hicks : What the fuck, man?
Randal Graves : What?
Dante Hicks : Sheni's a racial slur, too!
Randal Graves : Oh, it is not.
Dante Hicks : Yes, it is!
Randal Graves : She never called any Jews 'sheni', she just used to say sheni curse a lot. It was cute!
Dante Hicks : It wasn't cute! It was racist!
Randal Graves : I disagree, man, she was just an old timer, that's the way people talked back then! Didn't mean they were racist... Although my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife... You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
Dante Hicks : You think?
Randal Graves : Well,I still don't think porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could re-claim it, and save it.
Dante Hicks : It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race! And even if it could be saved, you can't save it because you're not black!
Randal Graves : Well listen to you! Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin! You're the racist! I'm taking it back, you watch!
[customers enter]
Randal Graves : Hey, what can I get for you, you little porch monkey?
[beat]
Randal Graves : Its cool, I'm taking it back.
-
Elias : Whoo! We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!
Dante Hicks : Oh my God, is Elias hammered?
Jay : Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk!
Elias : Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love a lot of pussy!
Jay : [looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!
[Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors]
-
Becky : [on the roof about to teach Dante how to dance] Hey, Twelve-Step!
[Jay looks around confused]
Becky : Jay!
Jay : [looks up] Lord?
Becky : Up here, jackass.
Jay : [moves so he can see her] What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first! Lemme find out.
Becky : You still got your boombox?
[Silent Bob comes out with the boombox]
Becky : Play something and turn it way up.
[disappears, then comes back]
Becky : Something danceable!
Dante Hicks : Up here? Are you serious? You're gonna teach me to dance up here?
Becky : What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?
Dante Hicks : What customers?
Becky : Shut up. Come over here. Okay, get ready for the music. You feel it... here. Here it comes.
[Heavy Metal begins to play. Jay and Silent Bob headbang and dance furiously]
Becky : Something a little less demonic, please?
-
Dante Hicks : [pause in dancing as he dips her; to Becky] I love you, Becky.
Becky : I'm pregnant, Dante.
[Dante drops Becky]
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Dante Hicks : Why *do* the Go-Karts help?
Randal Graves : I don't know. They just remind me of a better time in my life.
Dante Hicks : Like when?
Randal Graves : Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.
Dante Hicks : We're not that old.
Randal Graves : Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
Dante Hicks : You know, you can do something about that.
Randal Graves : I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!
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Randal Graves : Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
Emma : You just *had* to tell him, didn't ya?
Dante Hicks : It kinda came out one day!
Randal Graves : He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.
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Dante Hicks : You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?
Randal Graves : No, 'cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick.
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Randal Graves : I know you've given a blowjob, right?
Becky : I haven't even put my purse down, yet.
Randal Graves : That's a yes.
Randal Graves : [to Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky : What's your point?
Randal Graves : Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky : Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.
Randal Graves : And?
Becky : Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?
Randal Graves : That's an Elias job!
Becky : That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.
Elias : Zing!
Randal Graves : [to Elias] Shut the fuck up, GoBot!
Randal Graves : [to Becky] I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks : You never go ass to mouth!
Randal Graves : Would you grow up?
-
Dante Hicks : I need two Egg-A-Moofins and we're almost out of hash browns.
Randal Graves : [On the computer] Hold on.
Dante Hicks : [Through the P.A. microphone] Now, Randal!
[Randal finishes typing something and hops back over the counter into the kitchen]
Dante Hicks : What were you writing over there anyway, your memoirs?
Randal Graves : I'm battling this jackass on his blog's message board.
Dante Hicks : About what?
Randal Graves : About how he's got too much free time and no life.
Dante Hicks : So does the guy who's flaming him on his website
Randal Graves : I can't help it, the guy pisses me off. It's this fuck in a wheelchair that's always preying on everyone's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again, and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs.
Dante Hicks : That 'diatribes' you call it sounds like some poor, crippled guy pouring out his heart and feelings!
Randal Graves : Oh, fuck him, man! Trying to guilt me into walking around more because *he's* all gimped out? Kind of mindfuck is that shit? So I've been getting into it with him, throwing it right back in his stupid crippie-boy face about how I love to just sit around, and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk!
Dante Hicks : The guy's in a wheelchair.
Randal Graves : Yeah. That's why I called him "crippie-boy."
-
Emma : Come outside with me, I've got a surprise for you!
[Emma and Dante run outside and pass Jay, posing completely naked]
Dante Hicks : That's my surprise?
Emma : No.
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Randal Graves : Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias! Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, Tijuana Mexico!
Dante Hicks : Oh, God, no.
Randal Graves : Oh, God, yes!
[snaps his fingers and an incredibly elaborate lighting set-up is activated]
-
[Randal bursts into the office]
Randal Graves : [laughing] I made fun of "Lord of the Rings" so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
Dante Hicks : In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products.
Randal Graves : We have cleaning products?
[Randal shuts the door]
-
Randal Graves : Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks : Oh, my God.
Randal Graves : What?
Dante Hicks : Are you serious?
Randal Graves : I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks : You never go ass to mouth!
Randal Graves : It's never my idea!
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Dante Hicks : [about Becky] No, we had sex one night after work a few weeks ago.
Randal Graves : What? Where?
Dante Hicks : Here, on the prep station table.
Randal Graves : Ew, that's my prep table.
-
[last lines]
Dante Hicks : Can you feel it?
Randal Graves : Feel what?
Dante Hicks : Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
-
Dante Hicks : I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.
Randal Graves : Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"
Jay : [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?
Randal Graves : [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?
-
Dante Hicks : We need to talk.
Becky : [referring to the donkey] Did you see the size of that cock?
-
Randal Graves : The best part of this job is all the barely legal pussy that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome.
Dante Hicks : You're thirty-three.
Randal Graves : You show me one thirty-three year old chick who's buck wild in bed as your seventeen year old counterpie. Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks : Oh... My... God.
Randal Graves : What?
Dante Hicks : Are you serious?
Randal Graves : I don't fuck around when it comes to ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks : You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves : It's never my idea. These young girls, they get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks : You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal.
Randal Graves : You sound like my Mom.
[Becky enters]
Randal Graves : Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?
Becky : You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves : You've never gone ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks : You never go ass-to-mouth.
Becky : I've never gone ass to mouth.
Randal Graves : Not even once?
Becky : Not even ever.
Randal Graves : You're both so repressive.
[to Becky]
Randal Graves : Alright look, I know you've given a blowjob, right?
Becky : I haven't even put my purse down yet.
Randal Graves : That's a yes.
[to Dante]
Randal Graves : And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky : What's your point?
Randal Graves : Well, when you're done chowin' down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky : Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an ass hole.
-
Becky : Where the fuck did you guys go?
Dante Hicks : You don't wanna know.
Becky : Well, I know it's your last day and all, but while you're still on the clock, could you at least pretend that you still give a shit?
Randal Graves : Don't blame this guy! Some cock stain we went to high school with showed up to remind us that we're fucking failures, so I wanted to get out of here to blow off some steam if you must know!
Wife : Did he say 'cock stain'? What the fuck is cock stain?
Husband : I don't know. That's some white freaky stuff. White boys get white women to do everything. You wanna do a cock stain?
Becky : Do you know how often I've had people I went to high school with come in here? Fuck, I had to take an order off a guy I blew after Junior Prom.
Randal Graves : Yeah, I waited on your brother, too.
-
Dante Hicks : I'm having second thoughts.
Randal Graves : About your sexuality?
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Dante Hicks : [after Emma flashes Randal] What'd you do that for? You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a threeway with us now, don't you?
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Dante Hicks : I mean, you already taught me how to dance at a wedding.
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[first lines]
Dante Hicks : [on his cellphone] Yeah, I got a fire at the Quick Stop. Yeah.
-
Randal Graves : If I were you, I'd spray paint 'eat pussy' across the side of the building in huge letters.
Dante Hicks : Why?
Randal Graves : Let 'em know you were there, man.
Dante Hicks : I'd rather let 'em know I'm not an asshole.
Randal Graves : Too late for that.
