Destroy All Humans! (2005 Video Game)

Richard Steven Horvitz: Orthopox, Suburban Crazy

Quotes 

• Orthopox : [in the Mothership, if left idle]  Well, it's your electric bill. You could have thought to turn the console off. Haven't you ever heard of global warming?

• Orthopox : [in the Mothership, if left idle]  Oh don't mind me, I'm only a fictional character in a simulated universe, after all. I have nothing better to do, really. I'm just made up of a bunch of electrons floating around your console, and a few hundred kilobytes of data stored on your DHS disk...

  [shouts] 

  Orthopox : Don't pay any attention to meeee!

• Orthopox : If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.

• Orthopox : We can subjugate the humans to the reign of the Furon Empire. Hahahahaha...

  [cough] 

  Orthopox : If you can bend the antenna in the direction of the Mothership me should be able to send the signal. That's the good news. The bad news is that for complex and highly technical reasons you have only three minutes to do this or very bad things will happen. Now let us never speak of it again. Now go out there and bend some rabbit ears!

• Orthopox : It's time to capture one of those men in... really... dark brown and give him a good probing. What do you say... up for a little fun?

• Suburban Crazy : I love Bert Whither, even though he called me a crackpot on that TV interview he said lukewarm fusion wouldn't work but I know it would if only I'd have gotten the funding but I didn't thanks to Bert Whither. Bastard.

• Suburban Crazy : I heard that the dolphins are doing a good job contacting the extraterrestrials. I heard that from the mice!

• Cryptosporidium : [to Orthopox]  You're a smart cookie. But there's a time for thought and a time for action! And this is one of those times!

  Orthopox : Which?

  Cryptosporidium : The second one!

• [if a mission is failed] 

  Orthopox : Crypto!

  Cryptosporidium : [agitated]  What?

• Orthopox : This human "Whither" says the President will appear before his subjects today. This "President" must be more integral to their social society than I expected. I have noticed a significant increase of activity surrounding the White House.

  Cryptosporidium : Right, just tell me where he is and what he looks like.

  Orthopox : I... er... the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.

  Cryptosporidium : You think?

  Orthopox : I can't exactly pinpoint the President from orbit, Crypto. It's not as if he walks around with a big red arrow over his head. I need you follow those vehicles so we can identify him!

• Sleepy Ernst : Soon I'll prove the human mind can be controlled by televised propaganda and then I'll start my own cable news network! Where the heck are those Majestic Agents? America ain't gonna brainwash itself!

  Orthopox : We cannot allow Sleepy Ernst to turn humanity into his own supply of science guinea-pigs! They should be OUR guinea-pigs! Vaporise him Crypto!

• Orthopox : Quick, he's heading to the white building! No, the OTHER white building! The one with the tall, ugly fellow with the beard! I think he's Amish or something!

• Cryptosporidium : Man, I love the smell of presidential brains in the morning.

  Orthopox : Just shut up and remember who set that presidential foetus of destruction upon you!

  Cryptosporidium : Riiight...

  Orthopox : You know who I mean.

  Cryptosporidium : Oh, that Silhouette guy, right? Or chick?

  Orthopox : Would you do me a favor and NOT creep me out?

  Cryptosporidium : Sure.

• Orthopox : Crypto, it's an ambush! Circle the wagons! Throw me a shotgun! Get the womenfolk inside! Oh... I must stop watching human television. Ah, screw it. Destroy them all!

• Orthopox : Crypto, those humans are trying to destroy the film! Kill the bastards! Have they no respect for art?

• Silhouette : You're probably watching... gloating.

  Cryptosporidium : Pretty much.

  Orthopox : It seems only fair.

• Suburban Crazy : Pardon my impertinence but uh, are you an alien?

  Cryptosporidium : How'd ya guess?

  Suburban Crazy : Oh my prayers have been answered! On behalf of all the nations of the Earth let me welcome you, brother from another planet!

  Cryptosporidium : Thanks, it means a lot to me.

  Orthopox : Enough chit chat! Where is Bert Whither,crackpot human?

  Suburban Crazy : You want Bert Whither? I'll take you to him.

  Cryptosporidium : Perfect.

• Orthopox : Here's the keys, now do try and bring it back in one piece double O... I mean Crypto.

• [if the scientist leading Crypto to Bert Whither is killed] 

  Orthopox : Oh no! The crackpot is dead. Now you have no choice, you have to find Bert Wither on your own!

• Orthopox : Now that their President is dead, the human senators are voting for a new President and the vote is agonisingly close!

  Cryptosporidium : Doesn't the Vice President automatically become President?

  Orthopox : Just shut up and kill those senators before they get to the Capitol!

• Orthopox : I detect military units approaching from the south... with my military unit detecter-o-tron! Oh, just take my word for it!

• Orthopox : Oh no, they're at the main gate again!

  Cryptosporidium : What's the good news?

  Orthopox : Er... this time they're more heavily armed?

  Cryptosporidium : Oh goody...

• Orthopox : [to Crypto]  Shall I tell you a secret? Few of our people know this, but the DNA patterns in our cloning banks are becomming more and more degraded with each new clone.

  Cryptosporidium : That's bad, right?

  Orthopox : Only if we want to attain our immortality through cloning. OF COURSE IT'S BAD!

• Suburban Crazy : So there were these astronauts on a star trek in a galaxy far, far away, but they turned out to be DAMN DIRTY APES! YOU MANIACS!

• Orthopox : Now, Crypto, to ensure this invasion runs smoothly it is imperative we identify the dominant life forms on this world. Those lactating bovoids are likely candidates.

  Cryptosporidium : Surely you don't mean those foul-smelling gasbags beyond the fence?

  Orthopox : Yes, I'm afraid I do.

  Cryptosporidium : But they're covered in nipples!

• Orthopox : [after Crypto scans Sleepy Ernst]  We cannot allow the human race to be Sleepy Ernst's experimental guinea pigs! They should be *our* guinea pigs!

• [Crypto has scanned a cow] 

  Cow : Moo.

  Orthopox : "Moo"? Primitive, yet profound. Scan another one.

• Orthopox : Alright Crypto. I've analyzed the data that you've collected, and I've found the perfect candidate for you to...

  Cryptosporidium : Probe and vaporize?

  Orthopox : No, abduct and bring back to the mothership.

  Cryptosporidium : My way's more fun.

  Orthopox : Abduct. Not vaporize.

  Cryptosporidium : Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself, all I'm saying.

  Orthopox : Can I finish?

  Cryptosporidium : Can I stop you?

• Orthopox : I've sent Crypto-136 in search of a planet we visited many eons ago. A planet seeded with Furon DNA. But I lost contact.

  Cryptosporidium : Let me get this straight: you sent me... er, him... Crypto-136 to a "hostile planet", and he's disappeared. Maybe captured. Maybe even being tortured as we speak.

  Orthopox : Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

  Cryptosporidium : I bet you wouldn't.

• Orthopox : [in the Mothership, if left idle]  Take a step outside the Mothership. There's a whole planet filled with humans just waiting to be stepped on!

• Orthopox : Awww! How cute! The Robo-Prez is all hurt, and he's taking his brain stem and heading home! Poor little Robo-Prez! Everybody's so mean to him!

  [shouting] 

  Orthopox : FOLLOW HIM TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND CRUSH HIM LIKE A TIN CAN IN A TRASH COMPACTOR!

• Orthopox : Crypto! That human law enforcement officer is attempting an unauthorized entry of your spacecraft! If those pea-brains were to get their hands on your Quantum Deconstructor, they could rip a hole in the space-time continuum! Oh, the Furonity! Vaporize them, Crypto!

• Orthopox : [referring to zombie cows]  They must have gathered them for study. Can't imagine what they hope to learn.

• Orthopox : Now then, I know what you're thinking: what can I, a lowly novice, do to help bring about the destruction of Earth and the inevitable reign of the Furon Empire? Well, I'll tell you. It was in the earliest days of the empire we realized our species was doomed. Eons of waging war on inferior races with unregulated atomic weaponry had mutated our genes. We could not propagate due to a complete and utter lack of genitalia. Fortunately, a Furon ship happened upon Earth on its way back from destroying the Martians. Human society was young and... nubile. Sailors on a foreign planet, letting off steam, one thing led to another. Long story short: every human being alive today has buried deep in his genetic code a strand of Furon DNA. Over the eons, we've learned to clone ourselves, but with each iteration, the information degrades, and the results are increasingly... unpredictable. The Furon genes in humanity's DNA are ancient, uncorrupted. They represent the future of the Furon race. If only we can get at them...

• Orthopox : We are living in a material world, Crypto, and I am a material... err, Furon.

• Orthopox : There's a sucker born every minute! But I had mine removed.

• Orthopox : What we need to do is find the dumbest most malleable human in the area. Admittedly, the competition will be fierce. You'll just have to scan them all!

• Orthopox : No DNA, no upgrade. Them's the rules, partner.

• Orthopox : [in the Mothership, if left idle]  May I remind you that the name of this game is "Destroy All Humans", not SCREW AROUND IN THE MOTHERSHIP!

• Orthopox : [in the Mothership, if left idle]  Why don't you hurry up and eat you fish and chips and watch your television!

• Orthopox : Hmmm... passengers and compounds appear to made of carbon components. They must have gotten the soylent-green leather interior. Pricey option.

• Cow : Mooo... er... brains!

  Orthopox : Brains? Healthy green glow? Those human fools! Clearly they've genetically altered those pathetic gasbags and turned them into RADIOACTIVE EXPLODING ZOMBIE COWS! Show them the folly of their mad science!

• Orthopox : They've sent in their cyborgs! Can Steve Austin be far behind?

• Orthopox : Crypto, the 'dudes in dark' have found your saucer. I think they're meaning to destroy it this time! I'm no expert in human explosives, but I think there are enough there to breach the hull! That could destroy the entire city!

• Orthopox : [Crypto has bent all of the television antennae]  Cross your pods. Here we go. Beginning transmission...

  [the antennae start to shake] 

  Orthopox : Furon signal downlink successful! Oh, this is smashing! All right, I'm increasing the power...

  [the antennae now shake very fast and more violently] 

  Orthopox : Wait! Crypto! The signal is too strong! Humans are weak! Their minds can't take that kind of amplitude! Quickly, Crypto, you've got to bend the antennae before they...

  [suddenly, the humans' heads all explode] 

  Orthopox : Oh, that has to hurt. Eww. Disgusting!

  [the humans' heads continue to explode] 

  Orthopox : Crypto? Crypto! Where did you go?

  Cryptosporidium : [running down a street as the screen goes black]  Snack time!