Destroy All Humans! (2005 Video Game)

Jim Ward: Bert Whither, Mayor, Power Suit Soldier, Worker 2

Quotes 

• Mayor : [someone asks about glowing cows]  Why do you think they're glowing, they've been probed!

  Rural Male : That's a stinking lie! I would never touch a cow like that!

• Suburban Male 1 : What a great guy. He must really love pool parties.

  [Crypto scans the Mayor] 

  Mayor : You'd think with all the power I have in this town I could ban these stupid pool parties.

• Mayor : Greetings my fellow agricultural engineers. Everything is normal. Return to your pathetic human lives.

• Rural Female : Well, now hold on! How come people in Santa Modesta haven't experienced anything like this yet?

  Mayor : [Crypto in disguise]  Because we're real Americans and they're not. Next.

• Bert Whither : [thinking]  That Rock Hudson... what a dreamboat... Did I just think that? Ummm... uh, lumberjacks... uh, football... Ah, that's better.

• Mayor : [Crypto in disguise]  Greetings, fellow human agricultural engineers. Nothing is going on. Everything is normal. Continue with your pathetic human lives. That is all.

• Bert Whither : [broadcasting from the SMCBS station]  SMCBS will bring you further news as it unfolds. Good day, John and Jane America, from north to south, from sea to shining sea. This is Bert Whither, coming to you live from a secure SMCBS studio at an undisclosed location of America's sunshine capital, Santa Modesta, with a special news bulletin. For years, America has been a beacon of hope to the world. But today comes disturbing proof: our very way of life is under attack! Our great nation devoured from within by a malignant tumor of corruption! Yes, you heard it here first. The very heart of power in the United States of America is now cancerous! Its malevolent might, bent to a crooked will! The insidious nature of this cancer, right after a word from our sponsor.

  [later] 

  Bert Whither : Unease sweeps the country like a fever! Police flout civil liberties, arrest people without cause, even brazenly engage in criminal and unconstitutional behavior! I have here a secret affidavit, signed by the chief of the Santa Modesta police department, attesting not only to the existence of these abuses, but to their orchestration by an agency of our own federal government! Up to now, many Americans believed such a thing could never happen here in the land of liberty. But happen it has! More to come, after these commercial messages.

  [later] 

  Bert Whither : The federal agency behind the new terror on our streets, the terror of cops gone bad! But if power is corrupt, what of the government responsible? SMCBS has acquired extensive documentary footage: shadowy agents in reasonably-priced black suits in Rockwell, Santa Modesta, even Capitol City, shown here abducting innocent citizens in unmarked black sedans! No arrest records exist, yet to date, over eleven hundred people have disappeared, their families kept in the dark, and still the U.S. government remains silent! It refuses to acknowledge these abductions ever took place! Why has our government deserted us? Stay tuned!

  [later] 

  Bert Whither : We have only a few moments until the army destroys our building. They're deploying tanks and - Good Lord, giant robots! We cannot survive for long! But in these moments, I want to share a new hope. SMCBS correspondents have uncovered something incredible! For the first time in history, proof that an alien race has visited Earth, and apparently, repeated attempts to communicate their message, to "befriend all humans". Tragically, these gentle, intelligent creatures are being systematically exterminated by government agencies. Are these interstellar ambassadors our last hope for a peaceful human future? Could they help us take back America? May providence smile upon us all! This is Bert Whither saying goodbye!

• Mayor : [thinking]  I, ah, hope no one notices I have women's panties on.

• The Robo-Prez : If elected, I promise to... Destroy All Furons!

• Farmer Turnipseed : How does that explain those flyin' objects we see in the sky at night?

  [One of the choices when Crypto is Holobobbed into the mayor of Rockwell] 

  Mayor : It doesn't! Hahaha!

• Mayor : Now that you are all here I'd like to say er... please stay in your homes.