- Silhouette: Fool... do you think America is the only civilization on this planet?
- Cryptosporidium: Well, all the Americans seem to think so. At least, the ones I scanned.
- Cryptosporidium: [referring to the Majestic and the army] If any of those monkeys lay one hairy finger on me, I'll rip 'em a new asshole!
- Orthopox: [in the Mothership, if left idle] Well, it's your electric bill. You could have thought to turn the console off. Haven't you ever heard of global warming?
- Orthopox: [in the Mothership, if left idle] Oh don't mind me, I'm only a fictional character in a simulated universe, after all. I have nothing better to do, really. I'm just made up of a bunch of electrons floating around your console, and a few hundred kilobytes of data stored on your DHS disk...
- [shouts]
- Orthopox: Don't pay any attention to meeee!
- [Crypto is attempting to communicate with a cow]
- Cryptosporidium: [to himself] They eat with their mouths? Ugh! I think I'm going to be violently ill!
- [he then speaks to the cow]
- Cryptosporidium: Attention, Earth creature. This planet is now part of the Furon Empire. Your benevolent masters welcome you.
- Cow: Moooooooooooo.
- Cryptosporidium: At this time, we wish to abduct you for the purpose of scientific research. The procedure will be protracted and invasive. Do you have any objections?
- Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOO.
- Cryptosporidium: Earth creature, I am addressing you! Respond or be vaporized!
- [cow unloads its bowels]
- Cryptosporidium: I don't care how many stomachs you have, I don't have time for this!
- Silhouette: Credit is where credit's due, you defeated my beautiful Robo-Prez and I bet right now you're fantasizing about "destroying all the humans". Typical. Sure, you handled the boys: Armquist, Huffman... Ooh, that was a challenge.
- [laughs]
- Silhouette: But everybody knows which sex dominates *this* planet, and there's plenty of time to get your asses handed to you. That is, if you're not afraid to fight a girl.
- Cryptosporidium: No, no, I'm not hung up on the whole pudenda thing.
- Silhouette: So come on, Crypto. Let's dance. I'll even let you lead. I'm at the Octagon; don't keep me waiting.
- President Huffman: The truth is, America has been invaded though not by little green men, but red and the invaders are definitely of this Earth. America has been invaded by Communists.
- Cop: Attention, please step away from the flaming police officer. That is all, thank you for your cooperation.
- Majestic Agent 1: Subliminal TV messages. What will Majestic think of next?
- Majestic Agent 2: Search me.
- Majestic Agent 1: Do you have any idea what a rhetorical question is?
- Majestic Agent 2: Nope, not a clue.
- Orthopox: We can subjugate the humans to the reign of the Furon Empire. Hahahahaha...
- [cough]
- Orthopox: If you can bend the antenna in the direction of the Mothership me should be able to send the signal. That's the good news. The bad news is that for complex and highly technical reasons you have only three minutes to do this or very bad things will happen. Now let us never speak of it again. Now go out there and bend some rabbit ears!
- Orthopox: It's time to capture one of those men in... really... dark brown and give him a good probing. What do you say... up for a little fun?
- Suburban Crazy: I love Bert Whither, even though he called me a crackpot on that TV interview he said lukewarm fusion wouldn't work but I know it would if only I'd have gotten the funding but I didn't thanks to Bert Whither. Bastard.
- Majestic Agent 2: Attention space freak. You have ten seconds to drop the weapons and hypnotise yourself into a coma. 10... 9... 8... 7654321 hot damn! Fire!
- Suburban Crazy: I heard that the dolphins are doing a good job contacting the extraterrestrials. I heard that from the mice!
- [hearing some pass gas as they get shot with an anal probe]
- Farmer Turnipseed: Shoo! I ain't heard anything like that since my Uncle Cletus injured himself at a post Thanksgiving party in '42.
- [one of the many lines spoken by soldiers when they try to stop Crypto]
- Soldier 1: C'mon, you glory hounds! You wanna live forever? Let's stop that little Commie! Find him, neutralize him!
- Cryptosporidium: [to Orthopox] You're a smart cookie. But there's a time for thought and a time for action! And this is one of those times!
- Orthopox: Which?
- Cryptosporidium: The second one!
- Cryptosporidium: [to Orthopox] What's shakin', Pox? You look a little... what's the word... constipated.
- [Silhouette is revealed to be a female]
- Cryptosporidium: You're a *chick*?
- Silhouette: I'm a patriot. If you had to put up with politicians playing grab-ass all day long, you'd wear a mask, too.
- Cryptosporidium: Me, I get my kicks the old-fashioned way: beatin' up bad monkeys.
- Silhouette: Funny. That's what Crypto-136 said. Of course, he was "a real cut-up", too.
- Orthopox: This human "Whither" says the President will appear before his subjects today. This "President" must be more integral to their social society than I expected. I have noticed a significant increase of activity surrounding the White House.
- Cryptosporidium: Right, just tell me where he is and what he looks like.
- Orthopox: I... er... the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.
- Cryptosporidium: You think?
- Orthopox: I can't exactly pinpoint the President from orbit, Crypto. It's not as if he walks around with a big red arrow over his head. I need you follow those vehicles so we can identify him!
- Cryptosporidium: [disguised] Aren't you jumping the gun here Armquist? That fire could have been started by rowdy teenagers. I did as much or worse in my day.
- Head of the Marines: He's right General. Kids these days lack discipline, but they're not Communists. I think you're making too big a deal out of this.
- Cryptosporidium: So, waving the white flag, huh? All the monkeys got together, scratched their heads, accepted the inevitable?
- Silhouette: That sense of humor, just like your...
- Cryptosporidium: Like my what?
- Silhouette: Er, file. Your dossier, Crypto; Said you were quite the joker.
- Cryptosporidium: I think I never told you my name.
- Silhouette: No, I suppose I have your brother to thank for that.
- Sleepy Ernst: Soon I'll prove the human mind can be controlled by televised propaganda and then I'll start my own cable news network! Where the heck are those Majestic Agents? America ain't gonna brainwash itself!
- Orthopox: We cannot allow Sleepy Ernst to turn humanity into his own supply of science guinea-pigs! They should be OUR guinea-pigs! Vaporise him Crypto!
- Majestic Agent 2: Did you see what I saw?
- Majestic Agent 1: You bet your sweet ass I did. What did you see?
- Majestic Agent 2: Little green man in a flying saucer wiping out the best infantry unit in the U.S. Army.
- Majestic Agent 1: Right. Good. Me, too. Green, not gray?
- Majestic Agent 2: Don't be a stiff. Do you know what it means?
- Majestic Agent 1: Absolutely. What?
- Majestic Agent 2: It means the papers got it right for once. Get on the horn to Silhouette. We've got the worst case scenario.
- Orthopox: Quick, he's heading to the white building! No, the OTHER white building! The one with the tall, ugly fellow with the beard! I think he's Amish or something!
- Cryptosporidium: Man, I love the smell of presidential brains in the morning.
- Orthopox: Just shut up and remember who set that presidential foetus of destruction upon you!
- Cryptosporidium: Riiight...
- Orthopox: You know who I mean.
- Cryptosporidium: Oh, that Silhouette guy, right? Or chick?
- Orthopox: Would you do me a favor and NOT creep me out?
- Cryptosporidium: Sure.
- Orthopox: Crypto, it's an ambush! Circle the wagons! Throw me a shotgun! Get the womenfolk inside! Oh... I must stop watching human television. Ah, screw it. Destroy them all!
- Cop: Nightstick, check, taking bribes from local gangster, check! Sense of moral superiority over fellow citizens, check! Time to arrest me some peeps!
- Cryptosporidium: A Cryptosporidium captured by a bunch of monkeys! We gotta go in, we gotta crack some craniums. I've gotta rescue me - him - he's gotta rescue me - I mean we gotta - I gotta - brains, man - WHEN DO I GET TO BLOW THINGS UP?
- Mayor: [someone asks about glowing cows] Why do you think they're glowing, they've been probed!
- Rural Male: That's a stinking lie! I would never touch a cow like that!
- Orthopox: Crypto, those humans are trying to destroy the film! Kill the bastards! Have they no respect for art?
- Silhouette: You're probably watching... gloating.
- Cryptosporidium: Pretty much.
- Orthopox: It seems only fair.
- Suburban Crazy: Pardon my impertinence but uh, are you an alien?
- Cryptosporidium: How'd ya guess?
- Suburban Crazy: Oh my prayers have been answered! On behalf of all the nations of the Earth let me welcome you, brother from another planet!
- Cryptosporidium: Thanks, it means a lot to me.
- Orthopox: Enough chit chat! Where is Bert Whither,crackpot human?
- Suburban Crazy: You want Bert Whither? I'll take you to him.
- Cryptosporidium: Perfect.
- Majestic Agent 1: Why does Silhouette give me these jobs? I wonder if it's because I hit on her at the Christmas party... Oh, wait, no one's supposed to know Silhouette's a chick. Scratch that thought.
- [if the scientist leading Crypto to Bert Whither is killed]
- Orthopox: Oh no! The crackpot is dead. Now you have no choice, you have to find Bert Wither on your own!
- Worker 1: L-L-Little green men!
- Cryptosporidium: Not again! Colorblind morons.
- [he aims his disintegrator ray gun at the worker]
- Cryptosporidium: Die, pea-brain!
- [but the gun doesn't work]
- Cryptosporidium: Hey, where's the... What did you do with my clip, monkey boy?
- Worker 1: Phew!
- Cryptosporidium: So much for wholesale carnage. I guess I'll just have to settle for ripping your limbs off one by one with my bare hands, until I find it. With my bare hands!
- Worker 1: AAAAAAAAAAGH!
- Suburban Male 1: What a great guy. He must really love pool parties.
- [Crypto scans the Mayor]
- Mayor: You'd think with all the power I have in this town I could ban these stupid pool parties.
- Cop: Now If only I could find a cowboy, an Indian and a construction worker I could form that new singing group down at the village. What would we call ourselves I wonder? The City People, The Village folk or something...
- General Armquist: So you didn't want to destroy us?
- Cryptosporidium: No, we were as scared as you. Deep in our hearts I think we wanted to be just like you.
- General Armquist: I guess... at the end of the day we really are just... human beings.
- Cryptosporidium: Psyche!
- [he shoots Armquist]
- Rural Male: ...every one o' them dang cows, and then look like it stuck some sorta device up the poor things...
- Fair Worker: ...claptrap, and after all that I didn't even get to see Miss Rockwell; she just walked right on by, with her...
- Rural Female: ...crops laid out flat in circles like a Fourth-of-July pinwheel! I told Edgar, there goes our savings; no new shoes for the twins, and I guess Darlene's just gonna have to live another year with that overbite...