Tim Allen: Santa, Scott Calvin
Photos
Quotes
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Mrs. Claus : Oh, Scott - - it's time.
Scott Calvin : [checks his watch] Oh, about 10 o' clock.
Mrs. Claus : No, it's time to deliver the package.
Scott Calvin : No... midnight, as usual.
Mrs. Claus : No, it's time to deliver **the package**.
Scott Calvin : [looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization] It's time to deliver the PACKAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!
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Mother Nature : Jack, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii. You made it snow in the Amazon. And you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter.
Jack Frost : Oh.
[scoffs]
Mother Nature : You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Jack Frost : Excuse me. Did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious?
Scott Calvin : Oh, please.
Jack Frost : Guilty as charged.
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[about the elves, thinking they are short toymakers]
Sylvia Newman : What a quaint little village. Everybody's just so petite.
Bud Newman : No. Tom Cruise is petite. These people are short. What's the deal with them?
Scott Calvin : Who? What? Um... Oh, uh...
[just thought of a question back]
Scott Calvin : Have you ever been to Canada?
Bud Newman : No. It's too far. We did go to Rochester, New York, once, though, to visit her sister.
Scott Calvin : Very lovely place. But it's not Canada, is it?
Bud Newman : No.
Scott Calvin : Well, this is...
[trying to think of an answer]
Scott Calvin : This is what Canadians look like.
[everyone is silent]
Bud Newman : [confused] Ah.
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Jack Frost : [appearing as the new Santa] Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?
Scott Calvin : Frost. What have you done?
Jack Frost : Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No hello? Love what you've done with the place?
[over P.A. system]
Jack Frost : Shave a reindeer for five dollars.
Scott Calvin : Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?
Jack Frost : The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.
Scott Calvin : What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?
Jack Frost : Please, I'm cleansing.
[chuckling]
Jack Frost : So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys?
[deep breath]
Jack Frost : I got everything I need right here.
Scott Calvin : Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.
Jack Frost : [sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen] Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?
Scott Calvin : [takes the pen] This junk is not what Christmas is about.
Jack Frost : Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.
Scott Calvin : Because you tricked me.
Jack Frost : Tricked you? Give me a break.
Scott Calvin : I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Jack Frost : Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
Scott Calvin : What?
[surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen]
Jack Frost : [a trifle impatiently] I said, "Who said 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?
Scott Calvin : Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.
Jack Frost : And this is your chance to enjoy the show.
[to the security guard]
Jack Frost : Security.
Security Guard : Yes, sir.
Jack Frost : Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.
Security Guard : Come on, let's go.
Jack Frost : [over P.A. system] Tickets on sale now for the 6:00 elf toss.
-
Scott Calvin : Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this? My Dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada."
Curtis : Canada?
Scott Calvin : Canada. It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game. Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody! Elves, everybody listen up. Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming.
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Jack Frost : [after Santa's pants catch on fire] Is there anything I can do to help?
Scott Calvin : Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will ya?
Jack Frost : [turns his head away slowly]
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Scott Calvin : You hit me with a shovel!
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Scott Calvin : I thought the idea was to give them the sleeping powder when we got them in the car.
Sandman : I just couldn't listen to the Yosemite story again.
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Jack Frost : [recording played of Jack mocking Calvin] I wish I'd never been Santa at all.
Scott Calvin : [mocking Jack's earlier arrogance] Now who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's MAMA?
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[last lines]
Elf : So who got to pick out the name?
Mrs. Claus : Well, that was easy. We named him after his grandpa.
Scott Calvin : That's right. Say hello to Buddy Claus.
[holds out the baby]
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Bud Newman : [about the door he's sanding] As smooth as a baby's butt, feel it.
Scott Calvin : [feels it] Oh yeah, very butt-like.
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Scott Calvin : [after Jack orchestrated situations to make Scott think he must resign to make things better] It's over. I thought I had a second chance at having a family, but I blew it again.
Jack Frost : Hey. There's no one I know who could possibly hold this all together but you.
Scott Calvin : But I didn't. My in-laws resent me, Christmas is a disaster, and my pregnant wife wishes that she never had met me.
Jack Frost : You know, I - I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give you this, but, uh, heh, I - I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up now.
[pulls up his present to Scott]
Scott Calvin : I can't.
Jack Frost : Come on. Open it.
Scott Calvin : I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack Frost : Oh, come on. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better.
Scott Calvin : I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack Frost : Come on, you just open it, please.
Scott Calvin : Thanks.
Jack Frost : So are there times when you wonder...
Scott Calvin : Wonder what?
Jack Frost : If this was even...
Scott Calvin : Worth it?
[scoffs]
Scott Calvin : More than you know.
Jack Frost : [nods] Tonight's one of these times, huh?
Scott Calvin : Wish I'd never put that red coat on.
Jack Frost : So... you wish you'd never become Santa at all?
Scott Calvin : [scoffs] I wish I'd never become Santa.
Jack Frost : At all?
Scott Calvin : At all. At all.
[opens his present]
Scott Calvin : Yeah, at all. I wished I'd never been Santa at all. Happy?
[notices he's holding his snow globe which starts to glow]
Jack Frost : I am now.
-
Scott Calvin : [Comet passes gas] Comet! Next time we fly, go easy on the alfalfa, will you?
[Comet resumes passing gas]
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[Carol cries over her broken glass star tree topper]
Sylvia Newman : Oh, honey.
Scott Calvin : Honey, I think maybe I can fix that. I know you're upset.
Bud Newman : Oh, you picked up on that, did you?
Scott Calvin : Bud, what is that supposed to mean?
Bud Newman : Well, maybe if you weren't working all the time, you would know.
Scott Calvin : Well, maybe you don't understand the pressure I'm under.
Bud Newman : Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore.
Mrs. Claus : Dad.
Scott Calvin : Well, maybe that's why I invited you up here, Bud. So Carol can be surrounded by her family for love and support, while I try to do things you can't even imagine. But rather than try to makes things work, it seems like you're trying to make things worse.
Bud Newman : That's it. We're leaving.
Mrs. Claus : What?
Sylvia Newman : Maybe we shouldn't have come.
Scott Calvin : Maybe you're right. Maybe you shouldn't have come.
Mrs. Claus : Maybe I should never have come either.
[Scott gets frustrated and it's like he's about to say something. Jack rushes up to him]
Jack Frost : Don't say anything you'll regret.
[Carol leaves to sit down]
Jack Frost : I think we all need to cool down for a second. Huh?
[to Scott]
Jack Frost : Why don't you and I take a walk? Come on. Let's go. Let's just go.
[Scott and Jack leave as Carol's parents comfort her]
Sylvia Newman : Oh, sweetheart.
[Jack pulls out his present to Scott as they walk away]
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Jack Frost : [struggling with Scott in the past to get the Santa coat back] I want the coat!
Scott Calvin : Why? 'Cause you make such a good Santa? Because all the elves love you? All those people you took money from, they love you? Listen to me, listen to me.
[Jack pants in frustration]
Scott Calvin : Being Santa's not something you could take. It's something that chooses you.
Scott Calvin (1994) : [puts on the coat and asks young Charlie] Well... how do I look? Nice?
Scott Calvin : And you're too late.
[lets go of Jack]
Scott Calvin : [a moment of suspenseful music plays in the background]
Jack Frost : [yells as he begins to magically go back to the original timeline] Noooooooo!
[Scott happily prepares to magically go home]
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Curtis : [taps Scott's shoulder] Excuse me, sir.
Scott Calvin : Curtis.
Curtis : Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?
Scott Calvin : No.
Curtis : Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
Scott Calvin : What is that?
Curtis : Which is voice-enhanced.
[records his voice on the pen]
Curtis : Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
[plays back his recording]
Curtis : Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
Scott Calvin : That's silly.
Curtis : And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.
Scott Calvin : The nice list?
Curtis : Walk with me, won't you?
Scott Calvin : Curtis, it's me.
[sees the nice list kiosk]
Scott Calvin : Oh, for the love of candy canes, what have you done here?
Curtis : Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.
Scott Calvin : Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss?
[stammering]
Scott Calvin : Where's Frost?
[yells]
Scott Calvin : Curtis, where's Frost?
Curtis : Security!
Scott Calvin : Bring Frost out here right now!
Jack Frost : I'll take care of him.
[Jack Frost appears as Santa]
