Let's Go to Prison (2006)

Dax Shepard: John Lyshitski

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nelson Biederman IV : [Long silence]  So now what do we do?

  John Lyshitski : Hmm?

  [pause] 

  John Lyshitski : What do you mean?

  Nelson Biederman IV : What do I mean? I mean, what are we... what are we supposed to *do*?

  John Lyshitski : We're doin' it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action. We hang out here, go to lunch, come back, hang out some more, go to dinner... You know how someone might describe a situation that's unpleasant or confining as being, "like a prison"?

  Nelson Biederman IV : [pause]  Yeah.

  John Lyshitski : This is what they were referring to.

• John Lyshitski : It costs $54 a day to keep a person in prison, which comes out to $75 million a day nationally. That's $28 billion a year. When you think about it, wouldn't it be cheaper just to let us keep your goddamn car stereos?

• Stripper : [wearing a halo head-and-neck brace]  Anybody want to buy me a champagne drink? How about a fancy beer? 15 bucks for a lap dance.

  John Lyshitski : Yeah, I'm not that horny. I just got out of prison.

• John Lyshitski : Our justice system sucks. You know, there are over two million Americans behind bars. That's a little larger than the population of Houston. Every year, there are enough children born in prison to fill 250 Little League teams and enough people are raped in prison to fill a stadium more than three times. Can you picture that? Three stadiums full of people raping each other? I know I can.

• John Lyshitski : [narrating]  The three scariest words in the English language: "Trial by jury." Juries are made up of 12 people who are so dumb they couldn't even think up an excuse to get out of jury duty.

• John Lyshitski : We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.

• [after the jury have watched a tape of Nelson robbing the drug store] 

  Judge Eva Fwae Wun : Mr. Hingly?

  Duane : Oh, yeah?

  Judge Eva Fwae Wun : You may proceed with your defense.

  Duane : [whispering to Nelson]  Watch this.

  [Duane walks up to the jury] 

  Duane : Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You've all seen Jurassic Park, and yet you are aware that Jeff Goldblum have never actually been attacked by dinosaurs. Even through you've seen it with your own eyes, on a T.V. not unlike that one.

  [Duane points dramatically at the television] 

  Duane : I rest my case!

  [Nelson looks confused and shocked] 

  John Lyshitski : Bwahahah!

• John Lyshitski : Under all the swastikas, he's a real prick.

• Nelson Biederman IV : It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you.

  John Lyshitski : [annoyed]  "Crying takes the sad out of you"? Hey, that shit may have flown back when you were a human being, but you're not now. You're a piece of meat and you're in the grinder. The softer you are, the more it's gonna grind you up, and the more them animals are gonna wanna eat you. Alright, you gotta toughen up. Show me your tough face.

• [Some of the prisoners try to grab Nelson in the shower, but John comes to his rescue] 

  John Lyshitski : Hey! He is my property, you dick monster! You got that?

  [Pushes the one standing closest] 

  John Lyshitski : This little frilly is all mine! You can look, but not touch! This little asshole only got one name on it! Mine! Romeo! Romeo Lyshitski! No rear entry!

  [slaps his hand on Nelson's butt and points at Barry] 

  John Lyshitski : That goes for you!

  [Barry walks off] 

  John Lyshitski : That big bastard is the head of the Black G Lords.

  [Nelson is stiff as a board] 

  Nelson Biederman IV : I don't mean to sound ungrateful John... but did you have to stick your finger up my ass?

  John Lyshitski : Nope, probably not. But it happened.

  [Doesn't remove his hand before now] 

• John Lyshitski : [emerging from the grave]  Oh, my God. I gotta drop a deuce like no one's business.

• John Lyshitski : If I had a nickel for every time I've been incarcerated... I'd have fifteen cents.

• John Lyshitski : Same Lyshitski, different day.

• John Lyshitski : It's called isolation. The hole. In the hole, it's impossible to tell the difference between five minutes and forever. Your mind plays tricks on you, you get depressed, you get disoriented, but most folks just suffer from extreme panic and vivid, horrifying hallucinations.