Beerfest (2006)
Steve Lemme: Fink, Emcee
Photos
Quotes
-
Barry Badrinath : I was in Thailand playing ping-pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high stakes game in some opium den. Turns out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat 'em, they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... they held me down and shoved a ping-pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. Damaged goods.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if someone shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Barry Badrinath : It wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Great Gam Gam : Mr. Badrinath... we are not so different, you and I. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass. I got over it. You will, too.
[puts a comforting hand on Barry's shoulder]
Great Gam Gam : You will, too.
-
Barry Badrinath : Back the fuck up, Antonio! My dick!... My apologies, now 5 dollars to touch it while I touch my toes, 6 dollars to touch it while I touch your... Hey Jan and Todd... and Fink? Hey looking good, Finky!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : You too, Barry.
-
Barry Badrinath : It's $10 for a BJ, $12 for an HJ, $15 for a ZJ...
Landfill : [Interrupting] What's a ZJ?
Barry Badrinath : If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : I've got $4.
[Landfill puts Fink's hand down and mouths, "No, thank you."]
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : I once saw him fart a plum... I was plum surprised.
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : You know, I got an idea. I think it might work. I did this study in college: Finklestein's Theory on the Effects of Alcohol on the Medial Temporal Lobe.
Gil : English!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Drunken recall. I made people drink massive quantities of alcohol, and then I taught them things while they were blacked out. Now, in the morning, they had no recollection of it whatsoever. But when I got them drunk again, they remembered everything.
Barry Badrinath : [pretends to cough] Bullshit!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Oh, now you're coming after me? This is great. I got a cowboy on one side, an Indian on the other. It's like the Wild West, all right? I got it published.
Barry Badrinath : Where?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Maxim magazine, under the title "E Equals MC Hammered".
-
Barry Badrinath : [after drinking Ram's piss] Oh man, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever drank.
Landfill : I doubt that very much, playboy
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : I'm gonna puke! Hey guys... I don't think sitting on a rooftop drinking ram's piss is the way to go. We should get out there, and mix it up with some randoms.
Barry Badrinath : Yeah.
Landfill : Let's get bombed!
[everyone cheers]
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Somehow I cloned a batch of monkey frogs.
Todd Wolfhouse : They hand out Nobel prizes for stuff like that?
Jan Wolfhouse : Let me see that, let me see you little...
[looking in to the bag, monkey frog screams]
Jan Wolfhouse : Oh my god!
Todd Wolfhouse : Oh my god, what have you done?
-
Landfill : If he had it, why didn't he brew it?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Hebrew?
-
Great Gam Gam : You two are the rightful heirs to the Von Wolfhausen Brewery. You should have the balls to take back what is yours!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Wow! You even talk like a whore!
Great Gam Gam : We are all whores in some ways.
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : [Speaking at Landfill's funeral] Landfill could eat a ton, but he could also love a ton. He had this habit of swallowing his food whole. I called him "The Tiger Shark." I used to joke that if you cut open his belly, you would find a license plate and a tire and half of an 8-year-old boy. One time, he farted an entire plum. I was plum surprised. I always tried to tell him to chew his food better but... he never listened to me. But that was Landfill. He was a fat asshole. But, um, he was my fat asshole.
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : I'll show you how to chug a beer, motherfucker, you fat fuckin' cow. L'Chaim!
[proceeds to drink a half-empty pitcher]
Landfill : Uh oh! I think somebody's trying to chug in my face!
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Come on, guys. I'm a respected member of the scientific community. I've been published in four journals.
Landfill : Which one? Toad Load Weekly?
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Look at the size of that graduated cylinder!
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Oh that's rich! I've got a cowboy on one side and an Indian on the other! It's like the wild west!
-
Pim Scutney : You're all fur coat and no trousers, you are.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : I'm sorry, one more time?
Rog Gobshire : Shove off! We're gonna put the skitters in your Alan Whickers, you plonker!
Barry Badrinath : [looking to Fink] Do you know what he's saying?
-
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Nathan Cornwell has just discovered Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Big round of applause people, big round of applause.
-
Jan Wolfhouse : So what else do the Germans do?
Great Gam Gam : They also practice by drinking the urine of a ram.
Todd Wolfhouse : The - the what?
Great Gam Gam : They drink ram's piss.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Because of the pH balance?
Great Gam Gam : No... because if you can drink ram's piss, fuck, you can drink almost anything.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : She said "fuck."
-
Jan Wolfhouse : Double or nothing!
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus : On what, huh?
Jan Wolfhouse : The von Wolfhausen family recipe. You win, you get to keep it. We win, we get your brewery. Or should I say our brewery?
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus : But we already have the recipe!
[Wolfgang pulls out a disc given to him by Cherry, who laughs with the rest of the Germans]
Cherry : I got it off the nerd's computer. Hahahaha! You're fucked!
Rolf : Yeah, you're fucked.
[Fink bursts out laughing]
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : That's rich, Baron.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus : What's so funny?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : I didn't put that recipe on my computer. However, you are holding the recipe for a low-carb strawberry beer. We call it She-Wolf. It's okay.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus : Strawberry?
[Wolfgang contemptuously turns toward Cherry and claps his hands]
Cherry : No, no, you know how you like strawberries, and you want me to lose weight, so that was the low carbs... Wait a minute, we like strawberries! Get your damn hands off! You're trying to see my panties! Goddamnit, put me down, please! Where are the Africans! Can the Africans come help me? Jesus!
[Gunshots are fired offscreen as Wolfgang's goons kill Cherry for bringing him the wrong recipe]
