Beerfest (2006)
Paul Soter: Jan Wolfhouse
Photos
Quotes
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Jan Wolfhouse : So yeah, I heard you got fired from the brewery?
Landfill : [Landfill gets mad, throws his trophy] God damn brewery! You know that brewery makes 10,000 bottles of beer a day. I drink 45 of them, and I'm the asshole!
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Jan Wolfhouse : Get bent, Umlaut
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Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Somehow I cloned a batch of monkey frogs.
Todd Wolfhouse : They hand out Nobel prizes for stuff like that?
Jan Wolfhouse : Let me see that, let me see you little...
[looking in to the bag, monkey frog screams]
Jan Wolfhouse : Oh my god!
Todd Wolfhouse : Oh my god, what have you done?
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Barry Badrinath : [about Great Gam Gam] All I'm saying is... that whore thing could be a real possibility. Some of my best friends are whores.
Jan Wolfhouse : We know, Barry.
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Jan Wolfhouse : And here's something else you forgot to factor in - we're not that drunk.
Pim Scutney : Did you hear that everybody? They said they're not that drunk! Cheeky bastards!
Crowd : [shouting along] They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk!
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Great Gam Gam : [seeing Jan's black eye] What happened to you?
Jan Wolfhouse : Oh, I, uh, accidentally walked into a wall... the Berlin Wall...
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Todd Wolfhouse : We've got to go back and get grandpa's ashes.
Jan Wolfhouse : You go, I'm never leaving this place.
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Jan Wolfhouse : [Barry picked up a woman] Are you sure you want to do this?
Barry Badrinath : Are you kidding? She's hot as hell! I'm just lookin' for a little slap n' pickle.
Jan Wolfhouse : You're drunk.
Barry Badrinath : Hey... I'm drunk, you're drunk... everybody's drunk!
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Todd Wolfhouse : [after trying the beer] What's wrong?
Jan Wolfhouse : This means Great Gam Gam really was a whore.
Todd Wolfhouse : [thinks about it for a second, then runs off with his ears covererd] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...
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Hammacher : We are gonna wipe our schwanz on you.
Jan Wolfhouse : Bring it on, meine bitch.
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Otto : Despite your thievery, we are prepared to buy it from you right now... in cash.
[opens suitcase of euros]
Jan Wolfhouse : Big deal. A suitcase full of monopoly money.
Schlemmer : Come on, those are euros.
Landfill : What's that, like pesos?
Otto : That is legal European tender!
Rolf : I told you we should have brought Deutsch marks.
Gunter : But they are so hard to find!
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Jan Wolfhouse : So what else do the Germans do?
Great Gam Gam : They also practice by drinking the urine of a ram.
Todd Wolfhouse : The - the what?
Great Gam Gam : They drink ram's piss.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : Because of the pH balance?
Great Gam Gam : No... because if you can drink ram's piss, fuck, you can drink almost anything.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : She said "fuck."
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Jan Wolfhouse : Double or nothing!
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus : On what, huh?
Jan Wolfhouse : The von Wolfhausen family recipe. You win, you get to keep it. We win, we get your brewery. Or should I say our brewery?
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus : But we already have the recipe!
[Wolfgang pulls out a disc given to him by Cherry, who laughs with the rest of the Germans]
Cherry : I got it off the nerd's computer. Hahahaha! You're fucked!
Rolf : Yeah, you're fucked.
[Fink bursts out laughing]
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : That's rich, Baron.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus : What's so funny?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein : I didn't put that recipe on my computer. However, you are holding the recipe for a low-carb strawberry beer. We call it She-Wolf. It's okay.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus : Strawberry?
[Wolfgang contemptuously turns toward Cherry and claps his hands]
Cherry : No, no, you know how you like strawberries, and you want me to lose weight, so that was the low carbs... Wait a minute, we like strawberries! Get your damn hands off! You're trying to see my panties! Goddamnit, put me down, please! Where are the Africans! Can the Africans come help me? Jesus!
[Gunshots are fired offscreen as Wolfgang's goons kill Cherry for bringing him the wrong recipe]
