Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)
Fashion (1992)
Julia Sawalha: Saffron
Quotes
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Eddie : Sweetie, make mama a cup of coffee. You're so clever and you know where everything is, darling, don't you? I think it's marvelous the way that you know where things are, darling. I think you're marvelous.
Saffie : Flattery won't turn me into your servant. The coffee is on the table in front of you. Pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup, pour on boiling water...
Eddie : ...Yes, yes, and scald hands and get third-degree burns, screaming in agony. Do you really want THAT on your conscience this morning, darling?
Saffie : All right...
Eddie : Thank you, sweetheart. No, not instant, darling. Not instant. Grind some beans, for God's sake. Instant coffee: is just old beans that have been cremated. I don't want THEM. I want them entire, with life force today. Could you not pull that face while you grind? I don't really want to drink a cup full of your anger... Anyway, I shouldn't be drinking coffee, I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee! I don't want any coffee, darling! Throw all that coffee away! I don't want any bloody coffee! I just wanted some fennel twig tea, or something, I don't know.
-
Eddie : I forgot to ring Chukhani. He was going to channel a color for me today.
[dials a number on the phone]
Eddie : Chukhani, it's Edina. Green. Thank you, darling.
[Saffron laughs to herself]
Eddie : Don't look at me like that. There's more to it, you know.
Saffie : Of course, there is. The bill.
Eddie : Sweetie, sweetie. He doesn't just choose the color... Listen, because you might learn something, now. He doesn't just choose the color himself, darling. It is related to who I was in a previous existence.
Saffie : And who was it you were in a previous life, then? I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty?
Eddie : Well, close, yes.
Saffie : So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat, old cow?
Eddie : Will you stop saying the word "fat"? Stop it, now! Stop it! I know you're only saying it to annoy me. Aren't you, darling?
Saffie : No, I'm saying it because it's true.
Eddie : Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God!
Saffie : What happened then?
-
Saffie : Major motion pictures are made, huge concerts are put on in stadiums. I mean, for God's sake, five hundred thousand troops were mobilized in the Gulf, and a war fought and won in less time, and without everyone included having a nervous breakdown and being sent flowers. It cannot be that difficult.
Eddie : Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmine Le Bon. The generals didn't require big hugs after every maneuver, and the whole operation did not have to be co-ordinated to rap and Japanese avant-garde pipe music because, you know, darling, I think if it HAD, the outcome might have been rather different, don't you? Hmm?... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and get dressed.
-
Eddie : Why do you have to pick on everything I do? Darling, all I want is a few little things, a few little pleasures, a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling.
Saffie : Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility. You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. Someone does your hair, someone chooses what you wear, someone does your brain, someone tells you what to eat and three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you.
Eddie : Oh. OH... It's called colonic irrigation, darling. It's not to be sniffed at.
Saffie : Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people?
Eddie : Is that what you really want me to be, darling? NORMAL? Some boring, old, normal, old, toilet goer, huh? HMM? "Where is mommy?" "She's on the TOILET." "But I want to go somewhere interesting and meet exciting people". "Well, she can't take you while she's on the bloody TOILET". Why, anybody can go to the toilet, darling, these days.
Saffie : Well, they obviously haven't seen YOU drunk.
-
Eddie : Oh, look at the time, sweetie. I should be in the office! Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie! Tell them, tell them the car hasn't arrived, there's traffic door-to-door, and I'm not well! I'm not well!
Saffie : Hello? My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown, with her face...
Eddie : [Edina starts screaming and snatches the phone from Saffy] Yes, it's me, darling. "Dressing gown", she knows nothing about fashion. Anyway, now listen, sweetie. I'm literally out the door when my bloody car turns up, alright? And I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end, alright? I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, alright? I'm chanting as we speak, bye-bye, darling.
[hangs up. Saffy is staring at her]
Eddie : You're not a Buddhist, darling. You wouldn't understand.
Saffie : Mum, you did for a week, which admittedly for you is a record.
Eddie : It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals.
[Buddhist chanting]
Eddie : Omrankatingtingtong... Omrabremnimah...
Saffie : Please, stop it!
Eddie : Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owe to my chanting, darling. A lot of things in this house, this HOUSE wouldn't be here, darling. I chanted for this gorgeous house! I chanted to be successful and believe in myself...
[aside]
Eddie : Please, let me make some more money so I can buy Saffron some more books and a car... Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!... Please.
[to Saffy]
Eddie : In Buddhist, obviously, darling, not in English, when I do it properly.
Saffie : What is it? Some sort of a cosmic cash machine?
Eddie : Oh, God! Could you try not to be so cynical today. You know, today I need just a little bit of bloody support.
Saffie : Well, why is today such a panic, anyway? It's only a fashion show, and you've had six months to prepare it. I mean, why is everything always so hysterical? I mean, all you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, get some people who've thrown up everything they've ever eaten and send them down a catwalk. Greater feasts have been achieved in less time and with less fuss.
Eddie : Not quite with it, darling, are you?
-
Eddie : La Croix, sweetie! It's alright, isn't it? A bit tight, but it's alright, isn't it? You know, people will think, "Wow, it's a La Croix!", okay? I just can't find anything to go with it.
Saffie : Maybe I can throw up on something for you.
Eddie : [puts on a jacket] I'll wear this one.
Saffie : Oh, I see. Somebody already has.
Eddie : Jean Muir.
-
Eddie : Stop looking at me like that, sweetie! What do I have to do to convince you I've given up drinking? Hmm? I had one bloody drink, sweetie! Are you accusing me of something?
Saffie : Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Your eye bags are ruched.
Eddie : What are you eating, there? What are you eating?
Saffie : Toast.
Eddie : What is that on that toast?
Saffie : It's honey, Mother.
Eddie : Honey, darling? That's not honey, that's my bloody royal jelly moisturizer, sweetie. Good God, you're eating three hundred pounds worth of royal jelly, darling. It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside. And not any old bloody bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling. This is the stuff, sweetie, that Jackie Stallone would kill for this, darling.
[scrapes it off the toast]
Eddie : That's better. Make me a cup of coffee, darling.
Saffie : You know where it is, make it yourself.
Eddie : I don't know where it bloody is, do I?
Saffie : Please don't swear.
-
[last lines]
Saffie : [on the phone] Oh, hang on a moment.
[to Edina]
Saffie : Mum, it's the Betty Ford Clinic.
Eddie : What do they want, sweetie?
Saffie : They say they're confirming the booking for four weeks from next Monday.
Eddie : Sweetie, I think it's the only way. Don't you, darling?
[Saffron nods]
Eddie : I'm going to swallow my pride and do it, if that's alright by you.
[Saffron nods again]
Eddie : You've been very good to me. Thank you.
Saffie : [hugging Edina] Well done!
Eddie : Thank you, Sweetie.
[as soon as Saffron leaves, Edina talks into the phone]
Eddie : Thanks, Pats.
