Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)
Fat (1992)
Jennifer Saunders: Edina
Photos
Quotes
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Eddie : I'm opening a shop, Pats.
Patsy : Ooh, what are you going to sell?
Eddie : Oh, just gorgeous things, you know.
Patsy : Ooh, lovely.
Eddie : Gorgeous, tasteful, little stylish little gorgeous things.
Patsy : Expensive...
Eddie : Obviously, yes. They'll be present-y Anoushka Hempel-y sorts of things everywhere.
Patsy : Chocolates?
Eddie : Garden implements, that sort of thing.
[flicking through a magazine]
Eddie : I can't find anyone I want to look like... Oh! Oh, she's not bad. Who's that?
Patsy : That's Ivana Trump.
Eddie : She's good, isn't she?
Bubble : Do you think so? She looks like a classic bimbo to me. All that terrible blonde hair piled on top of her head. False tan. She's far too thin. Always pouting. Absolutely no character. The skirt's too short. I mean, it's pathetic these older women struggling to look twenty five... Sorry.
Patsy : I think she's tremendous.
-
Saffie : I take it you want a chocolate croissant then?
Eddie : "Pain au chocolat", we call it in this house, darling. And no thanks, I won't. I'll just nibble a corner of yours. There's only one thing to be done... It's just the chocolate I have to avoid in these, darling. I'm alright with the pastry.
-
Eddie : You're very thin, aren't you, Bubble
Patsy : She's emaciated, like her brain!
Bubble : I know, it's awful. I can eat as much as I like and I just don't get fatter. I cannot put on weight.
Eddie : Oh, how terrible...
Bubble : I know. I wish I was more curvy. I wish I had breasts like yours.
Eddie : No, you don't.
Bubble : Yes, I do.
Eddie : No, you don't.
Bubble : I do! Great, big, large, pendulous breasts. I'd like to fill a bra.
Eddie : No, you wouldn't. Just stop saying you do. You don't know what it feels like. You think, just because you feel better with a couple of oranges stuffed down your cups, that you know what it feels like. Well, you don't. It's hell.
Bubble : I don't have to wear a bra. I just stuff the oranges down me vest.
Eddie : Listen, you little bookmark. You know I only employ you because you make me look better, don't you?
Bubble : I've remembered what she's called. Penny Caspar-Morse!
-
[explaining why she never did exercise]
Eddie : In the sixties, we were too stoned to jog. In the seventies, we had platform shoes.
Justin : That high.
Eddie : and in the eighties...
Justin : Brain cells destroyed in the sixties. See, you know, she can't remember. The Age of the Punk.
Eddie : Yes, punk darling. We were too busy putting pins through our noses.
Saffie : But you were too old to be a punk, weren't you?
Eddie : Darling, I was a punk.
Saffie : I know.
-
Eddie : Now is there anything I should look at?
Bubble : Yes, a few of them what-you-call-thems have come through.
Eddie : What?
Bubble : Paper comes out...
Eddie : What, what paper?
Bubble : Very important, urgent paper.
Eddie : What? Tell me, tell me.
Bubble : The paper that comes out of the answering machine.
Eddie : Fax?
Bubble : Messages, letters, the lot. It comes and it comes. Anyway, them. I've managed to get a couple of them down. I copied them onto me pad.
Eddie : Let's have a look.
[reading]
Eddie : "We've been saved by English Heritage." What does that mean?
Bubble : Where?
Eddie : It's here, "saved".
Bubble : No, "sued".
Eddie : Well it's only four letters out, I suppose that's alright. Sued, why are being sued, darling?
Bubble : Well, that last fashion shoot you organised. Apparently, someone moved a couple of rocks, or something.
Patsy : Moved a couple of old rocks? My God!
Eddie : Stonehenge, Pats. Anyway...
Patsy : So? They should be glad of the publicity.
Eddie : Exactly, exactly. Send that one to my lawyers. Now...
[reads]
Eddie : "Penny called from L.A.". Penny who?
Bubble : It'll come to me. It's only urgent-ish. She's coming over in a week or two. She wanted to talk to you about a shop, or something.
Eddie : Yeah...
Eddie : She wanted to sell you some things, or something.
Eddie : My shop, remember? I'm opening a shop, Bubble.
Bubble : Ah...
-
Saffie : [Edina is chanting in Buddhist] Oh, dear.
Eddie : Morning, sweetie. I'm only going to wear orange from now on, darling. Religious purposes.
Saffie : You've been getting dressed for three hours and you still look like a bloated citrus fruit.
Eddie : Sweetie, it is a very healing color, a very positive color.
[continues chanting]
Eddie : I'm getting rid of all my other clothes.
Saffie : Is that really the best you could come up with?
Eddie : Oh, God! Well, only this and the deaded kaftan fitted. Well, I say fitted. It was filled to capacity. I mean, all my clothes have got stretch marks, darling.
-
Eddie : Honestly, I mean, you wouldn't believe how much I weigh.
Saffie : I would.
Eddie : I know I don't look hugely overweight, darling...
Saffie : You do.
Eddie : I mean, what I saw in that mirror shocked me. Barbara Bush with no clothes on. I don't believe it.
Saffie : Who did you expect?
Eddie : Well, Marisa Berenson, of course.
Saffie : Who?
Eddie : I have only ever seen Marisa Berenson. Sometimes Cher.
Saffie : Pre-knife. Do you want a cup of tea?
Eddie : Oh, no. Coffee. Black, I shouldn't drink milk.
-
Eddie : Oh, God. Why am I so fat?
Saffie : You're not SO fat.
Eddie : I am! Why?
Saffie : Well, for start, you eat too much, you drink too much and you take no excercise.
Eddie : Darling, darling, please. It's far more likely to be an allergy to something, you know... You know, sort of a build-up of toxins, or something, or hormone imbalance, isn't it? Hmm? And also, sweetie, did you know I've got a very heavy aura? Did you know that? That's why animals love me, darling.
Saffie : They just see you as something to hibernate in.
-
Saffie : Look, mum. All you've got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise.
Eddie : Sweetie, if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it. Anyway, I don't know what you mean. I do take exercise!
Saffie : You get out of bed, it ends there.
Eddie : I know what I'll do, I'll wait 'til Patsy gets here and phone her doctor. He'll do anything. And if that doesn't work, darling. I'm gonna go down to that Chinese clinic...
-
Eddie : Well, sweetie. The reason... It's not what I eat or how much I eat, it's these things in here. This fridge is just filled with crap, darling. Just filled with crap. Honestly. Look at this! I should only be eating organic food, food with the dirt still on it, darling... Throw out all the food in this fridge. It's revolting. I should just be eating green and white holistic food, shouldn't I sweetie? I shouldn't be eating... Oh, that's still got some in it, sweetie. I shoudn't be eating all this, should I, darling? Anyway, first I'm going to go on a fast.
[Saffron stares in disbelief]
Eddie : Well, it's not the sort of fast you're thinking of, darling. It's a special fast.
Saffie : Sort of an "eating a lot" sort of fast?
-
[on the subject of Eddy's fatness]
Eddie : Just try and help me. Try.
Saffie : Well, what can I say?
Eddie : Well, darling, just try to be little bit less Western in your thinking, if you can, please. I mean, you realize, of course, that in Zen terms everything in the universe is just molecules, don't you? Ying and yong, ping and pong... Mmm? You know that, darling? These are my molecules and that's your little clump of molecules over there, sweetie. I mean, in real terms, there's no difference between me and the coffee, me and the table, me and a tree, me and Madonna, for God's sake!
Saffie : Except that you have a fatter bottom.
Eddie : Oh, shut up!
Saffie : Well, what you want me to say? Mum, it doesn't matter to me that you haven't seen your navel in twenty five years, or that you can wear your stomach as a kilt. Just tell me you're happy.
Eddie : How can I be happy with this great bulk hanging off of this skeleton? I can't.
-
[still on the subject of Eddy's fatness]
Saffie : I mean, you're not ill. You don't have a disease...
Eddie : As far as I know.
Saffie : You're not menopausal?
Eddie : No, still very much menstrual, thank you, sweetie!
Saffie : You've been tested for everything under the sun, so you're not allergic to anything...
Eddie : Wrong. Jelly fish!
Saffie : There's more of your blood sitting in test-tubes around the world then is currently circulating in your veins. I mean, you've tried every fad-drug, every fad-diet that's ever existed. I mean, more money is being poured into your quest for "Twigginess" than goes in aid of most Third Word nations and somehow, Mum, somehow, you're still two stone overweight.
Eddie : One stone, actually!
Saffie : Mum!
Eddie : Well, darling, I mean, you know, for my height.
Saffie : How tall?
Eddie : Six foot.
-
Saffie : Well, you can't have anything in common. You can't have Anything to talk about.
Eddie : Ha. She doesn't want somebody to talk to, darling.
Patsy : I've got you to talk to.
Eddie : Exactly. I mean, no one blinks an eye if an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo, do they? Or what's really sick... , Listen now Patsy, what is really sick, darling, is when a non-bimbo girl goes out with a really old man. That's sick, isn't it, darling.
Patsy : Brrrr.
Saffie : Mum, what is this world you live in? What does "bimbo" and "non-bimbo" mean?
Eddie : The real world, darling.
-
[first lines]
Eddie : Yes, yes, yes, yes... It'll be alright with a bit of jewellery.
[weighing herself]
Eddie : Oh, God, this is stupid. No, no, no, no! I've never been this heavy. There's not enough room on my bones for that sort of weight. No, no, no, no, no, no...
[drops her earings to the floor]
Eddie : Those are real gold, they must weight more than that. God!
-
Eddie : [on the phone] Can I speak to Doctor Jackson, please. It's Edina.
Saffie : Mum!
Eddie : [to Saffron] Shh, sweetie.
[into the phone]
Eddie : Philip, darling! It's Eddy. Look, can I have a few more of those pills I had last time? I want to lose a stone... Two weeks... Hmm, but it must be years since I had them last, isn't it?... Hmm, but they were just palpitations, for God's sake! Hmm? Are you telling me I can't have them?... What is the point of having a private doctor if he won't do what you want? Listen!... Please?... I want them to kill me!... Pilip?
[to Saffron]
Eddie : Can you believe he's not going to give them to me, darling!
Saffie : Good. You can't just take huge quantities of speed to lose weight.
Eddie : You can, darling. He treats royalty, believe me. Anyway, who wouldn't suffer a minor coronary for that degree of weight loss, I ask you?
-
Patsy : Eddy, do you remember that time I went out with Ferruzzi?
Eddie : Saffy, this man was fifty five years old, for God's sake.
Patsy : The only thing that got him up in the night was his bladder. Did you get it, Ed? Did you get it? The only thing he got up for was to have a slash. Remind me not to tell that one again when I'm sober.
Saffie : Sober? Chance would be a fine thing.
-
Eddie : Yes, you're right, I do need a bit of inspiration. I mean, I could go out and buy a lot of new clothes two sizes too small. but ooh I've done that before.
-
Eddie : [to her ex-husband Justin] How you could have chosen to live with an evil, vicious, pot-bellied, ugly little dwarf is beyond me!
-
Patsy : Don't let her torture you, Eddy. I mean, she ruined your figure in the first place.
Eddie : Exactly!
Patsy : She's the one who turned you into this potato that we see before us.
Justin : Now, now, now, now! That's unfair. I mean, I liked you when you were sort of heavier. You know, you were more umm... umm cuddly.
Eddie : Oh, God! I'm sick!
Patsy : I'm going to throw up.
Justin : I mean, tough, really tough. Really tough.
Patsy : Let's go.
Eddie : We'll go on a public transport, Pats.
Patsy : Are you mad? I've got nothing to wear on public transport.
Eddie : Yes, but sweetie, I will not have my daughter thinking she's so great, because she can use public transport. Anybody can use public transport, darling!
Saffie : I know. That's the point.
Eddie : Come on, Pats. I'll go and get that... map thing I always use. You know, the "A to Street Map" thing-book. Come on!
-
Eddie : [after taking a cab into work] I mean it's public, and it's transport.
-
Eddie : And do you know, darling, the real problem started, sweetie, because I wasn't even breast-fed.
Mother : Oh, don't be ridiculous, dear. It wasn't done in those days.
[points to Edina]
Mother : Imagine me having that clamped to my breast.
Eddie : Mmm... I want better for you, darling. I want better for you, I don't want you ending up like me, with all my complicated, but still rather marvelous hang-ups. I don't want that, sweetie. I don't want that. At least you were breast-fed.
-
Saffie : Was I? By whom? You told me your milk dried up, your tubes blocked and your nipples dropped off.
Eddie : Well... Well, they did, they did!
Saffie : So who was I breast-fed by? Not one of the many saggy-tittied hippies who lived with us at the time, I hope.
Eddie : Darling, it was a commune. That was the point. Anyway, sweetie, I mean, they gave you a good start in life, didn't they? I mean, you're alright, aren't you? Sweetie, you're alright, aren't you?
Saffie : How many? Which ones?
Eddie : It doesn't matter, they've all died of overdoses since. I mean it doesn't matter. Anyway... Anyway, sweetie, can I just say that at least you're not fat like me.
-
[last lines]
Eddie : Now you come back trying to sell your little bits of tat for my shop. My shop! Well, what a comedown! Because I'm the successful one now, aren't I? I, I'm rich and happy and I've got a wonderful family and friends.
Penny : I want you to know that I am no longer coping with this.
Eddie : Well, I don't have to go to a plastic surgeon to keep my body together, do I. No, no, no. Because I want to tell ya, I've got my fantastic bone structure. I am thin and gorgeous!
Penny : Thin? Ha!
