- Uncle Fester: Oh, not my suit of armor please, I need it to feel secure. Like Pugsley needs his wolf-head clock. That armor's the... only place I can find to hide in, to take my afternoon's nap.
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, the whole family has given until it hurts.
- Uncle Fester: Well, I like to hurt as much as anybody, but don't ask me to give my armor up. I have to wear it practically every day to scare off those neighborhood kids.
- Morticia Addams: They annoy you?
- Uncle Fester: Oh not me, but... they keep waving sticks and throwing stones at my new pet falcon. And he's getting a nervous stomach.
- Gomez Addams: Morticia, let's forget the bazaar. They haven't even asked us to donate this year anyway.
- Morticia Addams: Yes, and I can't understand that. Our old insurance man, Mr. Henson, is in charge this year, and he's been to our home. He knows what lovely things we have.
- Gomez Addams: Behaved very strangely the last time he was here. Perhaps he's one of those people with no taste.
- Morticia Addams: Last year they auctioned off my stuffed vulture for thirty-five cents.
- Gomez Addams: Your live one would've gotten much more.
- Gomez Addams: Have you seen the clock I'm giving you folks?
- Mr. Henson: Does it explode?
- Gomez Addams: Certainly not. I wouldn't tamper with a valuable old timepiece like that. Come here. How 'bout that?
- Mr. Henson: How 'bout that? Well, it looks like... th-the rear end of a moose?
- Gomez Addams: You have a very discerning eye, Henson.
- Morticia Addams: [to Gomez, as Pugsley hides up the chimney] Darling, this may be a traumatic experience for him. Perhaps we'd better try and get the clock back.
- Gomez Addams: Nonsense. Some of the finest men in the Addams family have been shaped by childhood traumas.
- Mrs. Atherton: [Finding a shrunken head amongst the Addams' things] Mr. Henson!
- Mr. Clayton: Don't be absurd. The chin's much too strong.
- Mr. Henson: [annoyed by what he overhears] Well, thank you!
- Morticia Addams: [entering the basement] Oh, I love coming down to this old room - such charming mustiness.
- Gomez Addams: In many ways the most attractive room in the house.
- Mr. Henson: [warning Mrs. Atherton about the Addames' contributions] Oh, and please, examine all this monstrous junk they contribute very carefully. And if you come across a shrunken head, look closely - it may be mine!
- Wednesday Addams: [holding up her headless doll] I'm donating Mary Queen of Scot.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, that is your most precious possession.
- Wednesday Addams: I can chop a head off another doll.
- Morticia Addams: I know, but all the heads don't come off as nicely as this one. Are you sure you want to donate Mary?
- Wednesday Addams: Yes, but I'll never be able to look her head in the eye again.
- [after seeing Lurch, Jason the truck driver fears entering the Addams home]
- Mr. Henson: [shoving the man inside] It's all right. He's really a nice fella.
- Jason - Truck Driver: Yeah? He looks like parts of three nice fellas.
- [after a mix-up at the charity auction, Lurch returns to the Addams mansion with Pugsley's wolf-headed clock]
- Morticia Addams: And how in the world did you ever get it away from Mr. Clayton?
- Gomez Addams: Did he sell it back to you?
- Lurch: Gave me five dollars to take it.