- Pugsley Addams: This is the best storm since lightning put the short circuit in Uncle Fester.
- Wednesday Addams: You remember all those red, white and blue flashes coming from his head?
- Morticia Frump: Uncle Fester, Gomez and I are madly in love.
- Uncle Fester: Oh, then, why don't you two get hitched?
- Morticia Frump: Ophelia's my sister. I couldn't betray her. Besides, it would break her heart.
- Uncle Fester: [understandingly] It's bad for the digestion.
- Uncle Fester Frump: Who's the little guy talking to the servant?
- Gomez Addams: That's my Cousin Itt. He's the family intellectual - the long-hair of the family!
- Uncle Fester Frump: He looks it. Is he married?
- Gomez Addams: Free as a tumbleweed!
- Uncle Fester Frump: He looks that, too. He'd be a perfect groom for Ophelia. He'd never see what he's gettin' into.
- Morticia Frump: Is Cousin Fungus coming to the wedding?
- Gomez Addams: Oh, no. He's doesn't get out much. He's lived in a cave in back of the tunnel for thirty years.
- Morticia Frump: What exquisite taste.
- [Ophelia is not bothered by not marrying Gomez]
- Ophelia Frump: Besides, I think I've already found my true love, my d'Artagnan, my Don Quixote, my knight in shining armor.
- Uncle Fester Frump: Sounds like me - but I'm her uncle.
- Minister: [clears throat] I, uh, might remind you that, uh, as the saying goes: I get paid whether the ball game is rained out or not.
- Gomez Addams: Fear not! A wedding will be held here this day!
- Granny Hester Frump: [aside to Morticia] He's looking this way. Do you think he means me?
- Gomez Addams: The woman for me is that graceful, elegant creature standing other there.
- Granny Hester Frump: [girlishly, with heart aflutter] He does mean me!
- Gomez Addams: Querida, will you marry me?
- Morticia Frump: I thought you'd never ask.
- Gomez Addams: [kisses her hair] Oh, your hair... That dress - drives me wild!
- Morticia Frump: I'll never wear another.
- Grandmama Addams: Lurch, have you seen my son Gomez?
- Lurch: Noooo, Mrs. Addammms.
- Grandmama Addams: Where can that boy be?
- Lurch: The river?
- Morticia Frump: Now, come along. Poor Ophelia's crying her eyes out.
- Gomez Addams: That might be an improvement.
- [Uncle Fester searches for Gomez with shotgun in hand]
- Morticia Frump: Uncle Fester, I thought you were our friend.
- Uncle Fester: Oh, I am, but we can't have a jilted Frump. It'd be a stain on our family escutcheon - and our family escutcheon is messy enough.
- Gomez Addams: [rehearsing with Fester] Ophelia, I won't marry you.
- Uncle Fester Frump: [as Ophelia] What!
- Morticia Frump: Uncle Fester!
- Uncle Fester Frump: [grabbing his gun] I'll shoot 'im in the back!
- [Another attempt is made to rehearse Gomez turning down Ophelia, this time with Morticia as Ophelia and Uncle Fester as Granny Frump]
- Gomez Addams: Ophelia, I'd...
- Uncle Fester: All right, son. Speak up! Speak up!
- Gomez Addams: Mrs. Frump, I'm afraid I can't marry your daughter.
- Uncle Fester: What! I'll shoot 'im...!
- Morticia Frump: Uncle Fester...
- Morticia Frump: [correcting herself] Mother, please!
- Minister: Do you really want to marry this man?
- Morticia Frump: I certainly do.
- Uncle Fester: But you've only known him a few days.
- Morticia Frump: What better way to get acquainted?
- Ophelia Frump: I do hope your vaporizer won't interfere with our honeymoon.
- Gomez Addams: By George, it will! Shall we call it off?
- Ophelia Frump: No.
- Gomez Addams: [drawn to Morticia] They shouldn't leave us alone like this.
- Morticia Frump: It's torture, madness - and very bad judgement on their part.
- Gomez Addams: How can I marry Ophelia when I love you?
- Morticia Frump: What does Emily Post say?
- Gomez Addams: Not a word.
- Ophelia Frump: Uncle Fester! How sweet of you to come to my wedding.
- Uncle Fester: Biggest mistake since Uncle Tick married Aunt Phobia.
- Ophelia Frump: But they were a perfect match.
- Uncle Fester: [scoffs] Heh! He had two left feet and she had two right ones. It was a mere physical attraction.
- Ophelia Frump: Ney! I do not like poison sumac. It will not grow in my head.
- Cousin Itt: Tsfaw feh sfihvi hie.
- Ophelia Frump: Yes. Perhaps, I should have my head examined.
- [Itt and Ophelia are drying out after falling into quicksand]
- Granny Hester Frump: Couldn't you see where you were going?
- Ophelia Frump: Of course! I fell in, didn't I?
- Uncle Fester Frump: Well, wouldn't you rather be a strong, masterful he-man?
- Gomez Addams: Too dangerous!
- [Morticia suggests Gomez practice turning down Ophelia]
- Morticia Frump: Uncle Fester, you be Ophelia. You're kind, sensitive, quiet and understanding.
- Uncle Fester: She certainly has changed.
- Morticia Frump: And you're the new Gomez. You're decisive, direct and definite.
- Gomez Addams: I'm afraid!
- Uncle Fester: That's pretty definite.
- Gomez Addams: Thank you.