- Morticia Addams: Gomez, darling, what would we do if a Martian did land right here?
- Gomez Addams: We'd do what any red-blooded American would do. Run!
- Morticia Addams: True.
- Uncle Fester: Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse!
- Gomez Addams: Come come, Fester, you had that for lunch.
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon. Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, they're always talking politics!
- Gomez Addams: [reading the paper while standing on his head] According to this, we'll be on Mars in another three years.
- Morticia Addams: Nonsense. Pugsley'll be there long before that.
- Morticia Addams: Ah, it's midnight.
- Gomez Addams: The perfect time for a little family picnic! We'll surprise the children.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, darling, they have to get up so early to go to school.
- Gomez Addams: Well, then, we'll leave them here. That should certainly surprise them.
- Gomez Addams: This is a delicate situation, we'd better play it by ear.
- Morticia Addams: Oh dear, I do wish Cousin Grope was here, he has three of them.
- Mr. Hinckley: [talking about Cousin Itt] How do you like the way the little hairy one talked?
- Mr. Gilbert: Do you figure that was Martian?
- Mr. Hinckley: Not according to Professor Altshuler.
- Mr. Gilbert: Maybe he's a retarded Martian. Let's blow this clambake.
- Morticia Addams: Dear Pugsley. He does enjoy playing with his missiles.
- Gomez Addams: Keeps him out of mischief, too. It's amazing how that little rascal manages to keep one step ahead of the government space program.
- Morticia Addams: A true Addams!
- Mr. Hinckley: I think we better get to that Cemetery Ridge district and look around.
- Mr. Gilbert: Right.
- Mr. Hinckley: Oh, uh, one more thing. This may prove to be another false alarm, but just in case it isn't and you are captured, you know what to have to do?
- Mr. Gilbert: Eat the code book.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, are those men staring at us?
- Gomez Addams: Not us. At you. You're ravishing!
- [Starts kissing her arm]
- Morticia Addams: Darling, please. It's early.
- Gomez Addams: Your watch is slow.
- Uncle Fester: Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they could be people from Mars.
- Gomez Addams: Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.
- Cousin Itt: Uts sfoo dedidivuh pah!
- Uncle Fester: Itt's right. They could be disguised.
- Morticia Addams: Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.
- Morticia Addams: I like to relax on these outings. Do you gentlemen mind if I smoke?
- Mr. Hinckley: Go right ahead.
- [Morticia crosses her arms and exudes smoke from her body]
- Morticia Addams: I do hope you gentlemen like tongue of yak.
- Mr. Hinckley: Yak?
- Gomez Addams: Nice and fresh.
- Morticia Addams: It costs a little more than the quick-frozen, but it's so much tastier.
- Professor Altshuler: But zhey are not Martians!
- Morticia Addams: Nonsense. They even speak Martian.
- Professor Altshuler: Heh! Zhey learned it from me!
- Gomez Addams: Oh, then, you're Martian?
- Morticia Addams: Funny, you don't look it.
- Professor Altshuler: If dey are not Martians and you are not Martians - heh - vot am I doing here?
- Morticia Addams: That's an interesting point.
- Gomez Addams: [enthusiastically] Why don't we all go outside, look around some more?
- Cousin Itt: Ahwrty hsdrg kolls!
- Professor Altshuler: Bleep bleep bleep! Bloop!
- [Itt turns away abruptly and walks away, as if insulted.]
- Professor Altshuler: What did I say?